one year later... still mourning.

[MandaC27]

Ive never written in here before. Truthfully I didn't know this place exsisted.

It's creeping up on one year since I lost my twins. Yet it feels like it was just yesterday. I cry and my heart aches and longs for them. As I write this I hold onto my beautiful newborn rainbow baby. Yet that isn't comforting? Why? I don't know. I don't know why I can't get past the loss of my twins. It was an early loss. I was still in my first trimester. I feel like their is something wrong with me. I wouldn't even let myself get attached to my baby well she was in the womb. Im guessing for fear of losing her to. But losing my twins... It destroyed me. It took something in me away something I didn't even know I had. I don't know how to deal with these emotions. I can't talk to anyone about it in person because I cry uncontrolably... At least typing it out I can put it down and come back to it when I'm composed. I just want to know who they would of been. Boys or girls? Did they look like their siblings? My husband? Me? What color were their eyes? Would they like music and school? I bet they would of been gorgeous if girls and so handsome as boys. Or maybe I would of had one of each. I go through these questions almost daily. I cry for them all the time... Even a year later.. When will the hurt stop. When Will my heart feel full again?

Please tell me I'm not alone.

 

[Deb_baby]

MandaC27 you are definately not alone! I had a miscarriage January 2008 and i was 14 weeks gone, OH didnt want children at that point and his family wanted me to have an abortion and i refused it. After my mc i then fell pregnant 6 months later, i felt detatched from this baby and when she arrived i just couldn't bond and i didnt have the rush of love, just kept thinking of my first baby. I had severe post natal depression for 4 years and i still get therapy for my miscarriage as it was a horrific ordeal for me and i didnt have anyone to speak to about it and i've just had another.

I cant tell you how long until your heart will feel full again, im not sure when mine will even with my little girl. I still release balloons twice a year for my baby i lost.

I'm here if you ever need to talk x

 

[Andypanda6570]

I am so sorry for your loss. I know how you feel and you are NOT alone..

It never goes away the pain, but it does ease up.. I lost my Ava at 22 weeks, I gave birth in my house to her.....I was 40 when I got pregnant with her, by accident..My boys were 20 18 and 12, so she was a massive surprise and knowing it was my little girl, finally, I can't even tell you how I felt..My heart will always be broken, it's been over 4 years..I am better, but I still cry here and there and I always will...It is ok to grieve, we all need that..Believe me at your own pace things will start to get better, I promise..Congrats on your beautiful rainbow..Always here if you ever need to talk
Andrea

 

[MandaC27]

Thank you ladies. Your words and support mean more then you know. I've felt so lost this last year even with having Hailey. There is no doubt in my mind that my love for her is strong. I just wonder about my twins often. I wish I had people close to me who truly understood I feel like everyone around me thinks I should be over it or I'm not over it cause there is some sort of underlying issue which maybe there is. I know they are just trying to help I just wish I knew how to let them help

 

[Andypanda6570]

Thank you ladies. Your words and support mean more then you know. I've felt so lost this last year even with having Hailey. There is no doubt in my mind that my love for her is strong. I just wonder about my twins often. I wish I had people close to me who truly understood I feel like everyone around me thinks I should be over it or I'm not over it cause there is some sort of underlying issue which maybe there is. I know they are just trying to help I just wish I knew how to let them help

They don't understand, they think you and me should just be over it..Yet, if it happened to them they would be calling you and apologizing saying they never knew the pain was so bad..They don't understand this was our baby, child and we will never ever get over it..Yes, we will be somewhat ok again, but the pain never leaves.. They can't help you or me, only people that have been through it know what we feel , those are the ones for you to seek out..Maybe a support group locally where you live....Don't be discouraged by others and really you don't want advice from them cause it will be meaningless, even though it may be coming from a good place. It will be , oh your babies are in a better place, oh there was probably something wrong so thank god this happened and the best of all, you could have another baby That hurts, your babies are not replaceable.. XOXOOXXO

 

[MandaC27]

They definitely don't understand. How do you handle the emotions day to day. I hate how I feel. The closer the 27th the worse I get.

 

[Septie]

My one-year anniversary for the due date of my miscarriage is coming up in November...Fortunately, I got pregnant in November (after a chemical in October) last year. I still think about that November baby...and what would have been (testing indicated it was a girl...would have been my only girl after two boys). But in my case, my new baby boy comforts me. He definitely wouldn't exist had it not been for that miscarriage, so I really can't say I regret that miscarriage! Though the experience, and the half a year or so until my successful pregnancy, was terrible. I do imagine it is worse with losing twins!

 

[Andypanda6570]

They definitely don't understand. How do you handle the emotions day to day. I hate how I feel. The closer the 27th the worse I get.

In the beginning it is torture.. I cried so much one eye was closed shut, it was so bad....I could not get out of bed,but as time goes by and by you just get stronger... Time will never make this pain go away, but it does help in the sense that we are able to deal with it better ..

I also had a 12 year old to take care of..Him seeing me like that was horrible, my other 2 were older ( Thank God) Just give it time, I know you feel helpless, but I promise it will get easier..XO

 

[mamasgirls]

I have had two miscarriages. I understand how strangely numb you can feel toward an existing healthy pregnancy. Its an instinctive coping mechanism. I had a healthy baby first, miscarriage next, healthy baby, miscarriage, and am pregnant right now. This feels like a good pregnancy, but I can't let myself get excited or joyful because of the risk of loss. But, I do not know what you believe, and I am sorry if I offend you, but I believe that just as God sends our babies to us to live, he holds them when they are not with us. I find comfort in hoping that one day, my children will be held by me also. This will get better. But I know you are a mother of three, just as I am a mother of five. We don't have to Stop crying for them. They are our babies. If you feel sad forever, that's just fine. This sadness comes from love for your children, and that makes you a great mom. I hope you feel better.

 

[MandaC27]

You ladies are amazing. I can't thank you enough for the support. My heart aches so bad but I know one day I'll be okay. Just not today. Or tomorrow..

 

[Andypanda6570]

You ladies are amazing. I can't thank you enough for the support. My heart aches so bad but I know one day I'll be okay. Just not today. Or tomorrow..