Over 40.. Totally scared and unsure but willing to try again

[hopie2015]

Hi All~
I suffered a mmc at 10 weeks in February at age 43. I also had an early mc at age 40. Both times were the first times we tried for pregnancy. I have a feeling it would be possible to get pregnant again but greatly fear that at 43 my eggs might no longer be of good quality and I will have another mc. The past few months I have been on the sidelines due to both of my parents being ill and I've been taking care of them. I am feeling things might be settling down now and this is my last shot at trying. Now more than ever having a child and my soon to be husband and I starting our own family means more than anything to me -- unfortunately I didn't get the longing for a baby until later in life! DF and I have looked into surrogacy/adoption but the cost of surrogacy is outrageously high and adoption could take 3 years?!
My doctor said best chances are with IVF and PGD, though I read successful ivf at my age is 2%?! I am not sure I want to go through that.
Guess I am looking for anyone to talk to around 43 who also might be in the same confusing boat?!
Thanks so much and best to all~

 

[Vonn]

Have you looked into doing IVF with donor eggs or donor embryos? In both cases, you get to carry and give birth to your child, even though genetically it is not yours. There is some interesting research out there about how a carrier can actually influence which/how genes get turned on, so even though the dna isn't yours, you can influence the characteristics of the baby. If using your DF's sperm is very important, then donor eggs would be the way to go. This can be very expensive. Donor embryos are usually less expensive. They can get you much, much higher percentage of success than using your own eggs at our age.

I am grappling with next steps & what to spend our money on if I can't get pg with my own eggs. I'm not sure if I want to spend what money we do have on IVF with my eggs since I feel like they are crap. But it is soooooo hard to give up on the idea of having a baby without my dna. If it came down to no baby or a baby with donor eggs, however, I pick the baby! These are heart-breaking decisions. Good luck to you!

 

[hopie2015]

Thank you so much for the incredibly helpful response! I'm sorry you are also going through making the same difficult decision.
I had no idea about the research saying that the carrier of the baby can influence characteristics.. How cool! I know what you mean about not wanting to spend money on the ivf for own eggs. I used to think never would I use donor but now I really am leaning towards it and will look into it more, as you suggested. You've helped me a lot.. Thanks again and best of luck to you~

 

[Scout]

Wanted to jump in and say that it can still happen naturally too. I know the odds are low, but I had my first baby at age 46. She was a complete surprise as I had long since given up the dream of ever having a child so wasn't trying and had only had sex one time (a fling I'm not proud of) the month I got pregnant. She's a healthy, happy 2 year old now. Good luck

 

[Jennaleigh]

I know mc are hard.... I agree with exploring your options but keep going for natural too...u hear so many stories of ppl who have totally given up hope like story above and BAM tada!!!!

I suffered numerous mc before my daughter... what they consider your "best" fertility years (20's) was nothing but heartbreak. Finally at 28 I decided it was impossible... I had 4 miscarriages... I was convinced that I simply could not carry to full term... but I got pregnant with my daughter and had her at 31...not only did I carry full term...she didn't wanna come out!! She was late!!

I'm not in my 40s yet but my mom went through super early menopause (36) so that always scared me... I'm 35 and I keep waiting for it to be riiight around the corner.

Hugggs to you....

 

[TTC74]

Just wanted to chime in and say "me too!" I'm 40 and my mom went through super early menopause (well before 40). Not surprisingly, my AMH is super low (suggesting my egg quality stinks) and I'm having symptoms of perimenopause. To top things off, DHs count may be low. So, we're really struggling. DH has a SA reanalysis on Monday. Then we go in for another consult on the following Monday. I'm scared to death that they are going to say IVF is our next option. I can't afford IVF and even if I could, I certainly couldn't deal with it NOT working with my crappy, old eggs. So, I can totally relate to you ladies.

 

[hopie2015]

Wow- Scout..that is amazing! Thank you for sharing your incredible story! So happy for you.
I love hearing positive stories. Thanks all -- we have to remember there is always hope. I do have to believe that one way or another just one baby will happen after these 2 losses and i hope and pray for all of you too!

 

[TTC74]

GL hopie!

 

[Emmi]

I am 44 and had my precious little boy 4 months ago. It was our 2nd IVF attempt with ICSI. My eggs and hubby's sperm. Alexander is our little miracle so it really can happen. Good luck with going forwards.

X

 

[luvymom]

There is hope! I know a great number of women who get pregnant and have successful pregnancies in their 40's. My mom being one of them. She had 3 healthy babies in her 40's. Don't give up hope.

 

[vermeil]

I had my daughter at 42 (conceived at 41) via Ivf. Worked first time poof! I even had 22 eggs we had been trying for 18 months.

I think we can be cautiously optimistic about babies in our 40s IF we do the research, take good care of ourselves, be followed by a competent FS etc.

Good luck