PAL and pregnancy envy?

[Topanga053]

Hi everyone!

Has anyone else still struggled with a little bit of pregnancy envy when they were PAL?

It's much easier to deal with pregnancy now that I'm PAL, but I find that my experience is just so different than my friends'. My friends who are pregnant now never experienced a loss and got pregnant very quickly. Even though it's much, much easier now, I find myself still a little jealous at how easily they get pregnant, how easy their pregnancies seem to be, and how confident they are that their pregnancies will result in a healthy baby.

A little bit of backstory about what triggered this:

One of my friends told me she was pregnant last January. They got pregnant their first month trying and she said she had really mixed emotions about it because she thought it would take longer. At the time, I desperately wanted to TTC, but DH wasn't ready. It was a really difficult time for us emotionally and I was really jealous that she got pregnant, especially since she was ambivilant about it at first. (It didn't help that when I confided in her how much it hurt that DH wasn't ready, she gushed about how romantic her DH had been when talking about having a baby with her.)

A few months later, we got a BFP, but miscarried in August... two months before her due date. She tried to be supportive, but definitely said some things that actually hurt me. It was hard, but I went to visit her after she gave birth.

Fast forward to yesterday, when DH and I finally announce this newest pregnancy. She texts me to congratulate me... and also to tell me that she just found out she's pregnant again and, once again, has mixed feelings because she wanted to wait a bit. This pregnancy was a bit of an accident.

I AM actually happy for her and I know she's ecstatic for me, but I still feel a twinge of how unfair it is that she get pregnant right away both times (it took DH and I 8 months after our MC to get this BFP) and that she's pregnant with her second child, when I was ready to have a child more than 18 months ago, but had to deal with DH not being ready, the MC, and then such a long time TTC after the loss.

I feel like I don't really have anything to whine about because--at least for now--I have a healthy pregnancy and that's all that matters, but I guess it's still just a little bit tough to watch other women coast through what has been such a long, heartbreaking journey for me, you know? It's also weird because I assume that their pregnancies will work out fine, but I'm constantly waiting and worrying that something is going to go wrong with mine.

So sorry for the novel! No one really has to respond, although I'd love to hear if what I'm feeling is normal. I feel like such a child for feeling this way!

 

[Emily2630]

I know exactly what you mean. I'm now 7 weeks pregnant after two losses in the past 5 months. Two good friends have give. Birth during that time and my SIL is 26 weeks ((4 weeks behind where I should have been with the first loss). Despite the fact that I'm pregnant I'm still jealous. Even though I am very happy about this pregnancy, I feel I've lost the ability to be excited--like I was robbed of the pure joy and excitement that should accompany early pregnancy. Now I'm just constantly worried and nervous and fearful that when I go to my us in 2 weeks that the baby won't be alive. My SIL and friends luckily never experienced this which means they are just blissfully unaware. I don't want to announce this pregnancy for a long time, not because I'm worried of how to tell people if I miscarry again, but because they will all act happy and excited and I can't be excited yet. That may sound ridiculous to a lot of people. I just wish I could enjoy this pregnancy like I did with my daughter. I'm still totally envious of pregnant women, though I agree it's better than before I was pregnant. Then I feel guilty for feeling like this but it's just the way I feel.

 

[LucyLake]

Thank you for writing this post Topanga053 and Emily 2630.

I don't think the word jealous is appropriate. None if us are truly jealous, you're just understandably lamenting the fact that there will not be that sheer joy and unabashed excitement in these first weeks. It's tough to see others not worried about what to eat (listeria), unconcerned about drops of spotting, etc.

Emily2630, right there with you. I'm sooooo careful who I tell. For one thing, I will lay down and die if people buy onesies for me. This is a one day at a time process for me, that's the only control I have, and though I've had two good scans, I cannot, cannot, cannot tell anyone who will start buying or talking about double strollers, names, gender.

For this reason, I truly think I have to wait until 20 wks to tell. 12 weeks is still early to consider twins viable 100 %. I'm also really superstitious about others jealousy, in Arab culture you say nothing because of the evil eye.

Just take it one day at a time ladies and here's a novel idea: maybe we will be even better for this. Instead of worrying about jogging strollers, we hyper-focused on viability and let's hope we ate better, rested up more, just offered all we could towards making our babies stronger.

Hugs

 

[hope4rainbow]

I also know how you feel. I had my first loss last October, I told a close friend after the miscarriage and two weeks later she told me they were going to start trying. Of course, they got pregnant right away and she's due in September. To make it worse, she knew she was ttc but drank all the way until her bfp at 5 weeks (she was hungover when she tested). Then, my best friend got pregnant while on antibiotics and didn't find out until 12 weeks, she's due in October. I got pregnant again in April, but lost that baby too. DH and I just got our 3rd bfp and are excited but terrified. Dh's best friend and wife came to visit us last week and of course told us they're pregnant with their first... and even though I'm pregnant again it's hard. She just let me know they got to hear the hb and that everything is going well for them, but I don't feel as happy as I wish I did for them. It makes me feel a bit like a monster. I agree that I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop for me, but I just KNOW all of their pregnancies will be fine. It's frustrating.

 

[Brieanna]

I feel the same way as you ladies! I remember the first time I got pregnant and I was sooooo happy! OH and I went shopping and bought books, baby clothes, toys etc. I wanted to tell everyone but one of the books said to wait until 12 weeks so I didn't but I was so happy and excited and I was literally skipping everywhere I went!

Then I had a mc. I was like "WHAT?!?!? How can this happen? I did everything right! I ate right, took vitamins, exercised, stayed away from toxins etc!" It had never even occurred to me that I would have one. I was so naive!

Now I am a LOT more educated about pregnancy (looking back I can not believe how much I didn't know). When I got pregnant again with dd, the whole pregnancy when I heard people say things like "I bet you're glad she's all safe in there, just wait until she gets out!" or my pregnant friends say that they were dreading the birth because as long as the baby was inside them they didn't worry, I bit my tongue. I just couldn't wait to hold a baby in my arms because THEN I knew she would be safer. Obviously their bodies had never betrayed them. I kept my mouth shut. No need to bring others down.

Then my next mc I was like, "Oh no, it happened again" and was actually amazed how devastated I was because I knew the stats! 3 of my friends were pregnant during that mc and I was so jealous of their oblivious joy! I smiled and was happy for them though.

Later I found out that one of my pregnant friends (she has had 2 healthy babies and is pregnant with #3) actually has a history of miscarriages. I never would have guessed! It made me wonder if people actually might have been "envious" of me when I was pregnant with dd and thought "look at her, with no worries while I am struggling". Only a very few people know about my history.

I am happy I am pregnant but I really miss the utter joy and happiness I see others have and that I felt when I was oblivious.

 

[Mahoghani]

I definitely know what you're talking about. A few months after my MC at 17 weeks, I found out that my BIL's girlfriend and heroin buddy was pregnant. She didn't get sober until she was almost 5 months along and even then, we're not really sure she was clean (I tend to think not). Her baby was born last week. I feel terrible but the first thing out of my mouth when my SIL called to tell us was "what's wrong with it?" I know that's a horrible thing to say. I just can't help, even knowing that I'm pregnant again, being horribly angry that she abused her body so terribly when she was pregnant, in her first trimester no less! And her baby is not only alive but perfectly healthy. This is her second child - her first was taken away two years ago because of her drug use. Kid lives with his grandmother...

How does that work?

I get what you mean. I really do. This pregnancy has been so much more stressful and down right scary and it's just beginning. On the other hand, I try to tell myself that when this beautiful bundle is born I'll appreciate it in a way other new Moms never can.

 

[Topanga053]

OMG that's awful!!! I remember one of my friends whose babies were in the NICU recently telling me this horrible story about a drug addicted baby who was screaming in pain from the withdrawal. Its mother was MIA (presumably off doing drugs) and its grandmother was there every single day by its side. Every day, she would ask the nurses if she could just hold the baby, but she wasn't allowed to because the mother hadn't given her permission. So this poor baby is lying there with no mother and a grandmother who isn't even allowed to hold it. It just broke my heart.

And, of course, this was after my MC when we had been TTC for months with no BFP yet, and I remember being SO ANGRY that there's a beautiful baby being abused like that, when DH and I want one so badly and would love it beyond belief. It's certainly unfair how things work out sometimes, isn't it?? It seems like it's never the drug addicts who struggle to conceive or keep a baby. It always seems like it's the good, stable couples with good careers who have to go through that. I really don't get it.