People saying stupid things

[AlwaysPraying]

For a lighter moment on this board, if I may....

I find is so interesting that people tend to say stupid things, irresponsible things, irrational thing, and just inappropriate things to us women who have gone through a loss. The explanation is always, "they mean well, they don't know what to say, they are trying their best".

It just hit me on the head just now that what they are really saying is, "give that person a break, they are trying their best". REALLY? Give THEM a break? HA! No, I'm going to tell them they are ignorant, I am going to yell and scream and cry and they should apologize for making ME so upset! Sure, in a dream world, that would be nice to scream out to these, "well intended" people. But for some reason, the loss sufferers (all of us) need to step up and be the bigger person. It just drives me crazy.

I'm just venting, but doesn't it seem odd that we are suffering and we all seem to take it on ourselves to handle it in the most appropriate way? I don't know if everyone agrees with me, but if I really acted the way I felt, there'd be a lot more swearing, crying and arguments with people, but it's just not worth it (and I know is mostly misdriected anyways). So, we're left, the ones with the loss answer questions like, "how are you doing" with pleasant responses, "getting through" or "doing our best" when inside we are screaming either, "THANKS FOR BRINGING IT UP" or, "HORRIBLE ITS HORRIBLE SO HORRIBLE". something to that effect. And when they say, "it was for the best" we reply, "thanks for your thoughts" thinking, "dummy, that was mean, loosing a baby isn't the best" and thinking, "COME ON, REALLY?"

I'm obviously being tounge in cheek here, but thought it might be good to share some real raw emotions instead of the pleasantries that we have to express in public. We, us girls, at least know what it's like to be in each others shoes and I am so grateful for that. I WISH none of us had to know, I wish none of us were here, but if we are, it's better we're together I guess.

 

[LoraLoo]

For a lighter moment on this board, if I may....

I find is so interesting that people tend to say stupid things, irresponsible things, irrational thing, and just inappropriate things to us women who have gone through a loss. The explanation is always, "they mean well, they don't know what to say, they are trying their best".

It just hit me on the head just now that what they are really saying is, "give that person a break, they are trying their best". REALLY? Give THEM a break? HA! No, I'm going to tell them they are ignorant, I am going to yell and scream and cry and they should apologize for making ME so upset! Sure, in a dream world, that would be nice to scream out to these, "well intended" people. But for some reason, the loss sufferers (all of us) need to step up and be the bigger person. It just drives me crazy.

I'm just venting, but doesn't it seem odd that we are suffering and we all seem to take it on ourselves to handle it in the most appropriate way? I don't know if everyone agrees with me, but if I really acted the way I felt, there'd be a lot more swearing, crying and arguments with people, but it's just not worth it (and I know is mostly misdriected anyways). So, we're left, the ones with the loss answer questions like, "how are you doing" with pleasant responses, "getting through" or "doing our best" when inside we are screaming either, "THANKS FOR BRINGING IT UP" or, "HORRIBLE ITS HORRIBLE SO HORRIBLE". something to that effect. And when they say, "it was for the best" we reply, "thanks for your thoughts" thinking, "dummy, that was mean, loosing a baby isn't the best" and thinking, "COME ON, REALLY?"

I'm obviously being tounge in cheek here, but thought it might be good to share some real raw emotions instead of the pleasantries that we have to express in public. We, us girls, at least know what it's like to be in each others shoes and I am so grateful for that. I WISH none of us had to know, I wish none of us were here, but if we are, it's better we're together I guess.

Oh i can relate to this so much- had all the comments- from meaning well, to just thoughtless, to downright nasty. 2 old women watching me atmy daughters grave 'Never Mind'......What? Never Mind? Thats my daughter, not a frigging cat! Honestly, Ive never felt so much like digging a hole there and then and chucking those 2 in, in my life, lol

 

[borntobeamum]

The thing that always springs to mind for me is the saying

"If you cant say anything usefull dont say anything at all."

I think I may have that tato'd on my head, so that peaple dont say things to me or ask how I am, or ask what happended.

A woman said to me today (who I met in the local shop and had heard that Gillian was gone) - "so erm,,,, was she ,,,, erm,,, alive when she was ermm,.... born..." WHAT who the hell asks something like that, then went on to ask if it was a problem with DH and I and could it happen again............. I just walked away...... I couldnt actually say anything cause by that point I was ready to thump her, and its my local shop in the village, so I really didnt want to get barred.... lol....

 

[RobenR]

I think the one that really almost sent me over the edge was someone saying "Well how can you miss something that you never had?" I really had to try not to punch them, because they were trying to offer sympathy, but apparently no one knows what to say for a miscarriage.

 

[hayley x]

I totally agree with what your saying but sometimes I feel like I'd rather someone say the wrong thing than ignore me. We just cant win either way!! The worse someone said to me was 'oh well better luck next time' SAY WHAT?!?!?! He was my baby, I grew him then nursed him for 12 days, I hadnt just lost a bet or something my baby has DIED!!!

xxxx

 

[AlwaysPraying]

Your right, there is the total other side too. The people that don't say anything. In fact, a good example is dinner tonight. I was with 10 extended family members, I had asked my mom to inform them that baby was sick and that we were going to loose him soon (that's how I put it to the general public). I still want to honour and respect my baby, I AM still pregnant after all (for another two days) and the little one should be recognized at any point, with us physically or not. Well, she told and no one said a thing, NO ONE. They all asked us, "how's it going?" in a way you would ask the paper boy. I replied GRACEFULLY, "ok". But no one said a thing. It didn't bother me though, it's so painfully typical of my family. I figured best left alone if they are that uncomfortable with it. Again, THEY MEAN WELL. I do appreciate that they don't know what to say and the only way they would is if they were in my shoes, and I am grateful they have never suffered something like this (that I know of).

 

[jenn2282]

i hate when people say "it just wasn't ment to be", do they have any idea how much that hurts.or "thats ok you still have lots of time left to have a child" It just ticks me off and hurts.

 

[catfromaus]

agreed- the people who say stupid things hurt, the people who ignore it and act as if my baby never existed hurt.
Why is it so difficult to just say "I'm sorry that happened to you"?

cat
xxx

 

[Climbing Girl]

I told my sister after we had our 1st scan that there may be a problem and all she could say was 'at least you know you can get pregnant'. I was gobsmacked as I hadn't actually lost the baby at that point and we were still clinging onto any bit of hope. Many people don't appreciate that it is actually a baby to you from the minute you find out you are pregnant - I think they only think of the baby as real when you bring it home from the hospital.

 

[todteach]

I went in for my bloodwork after my second miscarriage. One of the lab technicians asked "Did you just have a baby?" Holding back rage, I answered her "NO! I JUST HAD MY SECOND MISCARRIAGE! DID YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT THAT WITH ME?!?!?!?!?!?"

Had that been my first miscarriage, I would have throttled her.............she got off easy. What amazed me was, she didn't even blink, no sorry, nothing.

She then......said "oh, well, I must have seen you in emergency then." What a twat!

I have plain out told people not to talk to me, because they just come off sounding stupid when they do. *this is to wellmeaning coworkers trying to diagnose why I can't stay pregnant.* -wrong time of year, can only carry certain sex, etc.........I have told them to leave me alone, b/c they'll just approach me out of nowhere and bring it up. Wellmeaning fools. I tell them that they are NOT doctors, and I am undergoing tests, I don't need their two cents.