Please don't judge me

[mumj18]

I'm looking for some advice and don't know where else to turn - this forum is such a life saver sometimes


I've always had anger issues, always been unable to control my temper and lash out at people and things. Now I have a five month old daughter and I'm starting to scare myself. I feel as if I need help to deal with this anger but if I go to my doctor I'm afraid someone will take my daughter away from me. I would NEVER EVER hurt her. When I lived at my parents I would kick walls, throw things etc when I was angry but now that I'm in a rented flat I am very aware that I can't do that so feel that this is an improvement as I'm controlling it a little better.

Yesterday I couldn't find my house keys so couldn't leave the house and actually flipped out, tearing the house apart trying to find them and my LO was crying and it was making me so much worse. It was like a red mist descended and I was biting my own hand to try and vent my anger. I phoned my partner screaming 'where are my keys?' phoned my friend screaming, asking if she had them. My partner text me saying I need to sort myself out and he's right. I need help

I just don't know where to go to get it without them thinking I'm a danger to my daughter.

One minute I'm fine, laughing and joking then someone can say something to annoy me and I just turn!

Any advice/personal experiences greatly appreciated.

 

[Menelly]

Advice? You need a doctor, not anyone on a message board. I'm not trying to be mean, I swear... but you need a doctor.

I'm severely bipolar. I've had more than my fair share of... well, let's face it, I have temper tantrums sometimes. I've thrown stuff at walls, screamed, yelled, etc. No one ever told me they were taking my kid away, but they did medicate me, and it's one of the best things that ever happened in my life. If my meds can keep me a significantly calmer, stabler person? It's worth it. But you need a professional for that... not a forum.

One thing I noticed for myself, and my own emotional roller coaster is it's almost 100% tied to whether or not I got enough sleep. I've now come to the conclusion that 8 hours of sleep a day (broken or not, the amount matters more!) is a complete necessity. I can nap to reach my 8 hours, but I HAVE to have it or I break down and scream and lose my temper far more. So if it means housework waits? So be it. Did that load of laundry not get done? Oh well. My mental health is worth more to me.

I hope that helped at all. But find a good, caring, compassionate mental health professional, and find one ASAP.

(And I used to have to go into the back room and scream at the top of my lungs when hugely frustrated. It's a bit cathartic. Just make sure baby is safe in her crib or playpen, and get as far from her as you can before you do it. A good scream does release a lot of tension!)

 

[mumj18]

Wow, your answer has unsettled me a little.
Excuse my ignorance but could you explain a little about what being bipolar means. Thanks.

 

[Menelly]

Wow, your answer has unsettled me a little.
Excuse my ignorance but could you explain a little about what being bipolar means. Thanks.

Didn't mean to unsettle you, I promise.

Bipolar is the new word for "manic-depressive" but most people seem to assume that means only super happy highs, and severely depressed lows, which is actually inaccurate. There are also severely angry times... so angry I can barely see straight.

There are plenty of excellent resources on bipolar online, but I am not a doctor, I don't play one on TV. I have no idea if that's what is going on with you in any way shape or form. I was trying to use my own experiences to show that I'm not exactly clueless in giving advice... and that advice is still "see a mental health professional ASAP before you drive people you love dearly away." My ex husband eventually tired of walking on eggshells. I can't blame him.

There are several different mental health things that can cause uncontrollable anger. I hope you figure out which one it is and get some help. It's no fun to be constantly angry. I think I hated myself more than everyone else hated me when angry... and that's saying a lot, IMO.

 

[mumj18]

Thank you so much for your help.
I really am afraid to go to the doctors about it though
I take it there's not much chance I just have an angrier personality than most and it's not a medical thing? =\

 

[MrsRH]

Thank you so much for your help.
I really am afraid to go to the doctors about it though
I take it there's not much chance I just have an angrier personality than most and it's not a medical thing? =\

hun, there's a huge difference between anger issues and being bipolar; having anger problems doesn't necessarily mean you have a meantal health problem.

please speak to someone, your GP, health visitor, practice nurse...

no one is going to take your LO away for asking for help and getting things sorted. anger problems can be dealt with by anger management counselling.


x

 

[Eternal]

No one will take your daughter away for seeking help. You do need to go to your doctor, whatever is wrong, it could be anger issues or it could be something else, either way you can get help and you need it.

I had depression and although i never had those sort of "issues" you describe, i did totally flip out sometimes and even to the point of biting myself as i was so frustrated inside. I like above needed medication and its the best thing I did, now im medication free and have been since early 2009, sometimes i can see parts of the condition coming back but i can control it now.

Trust me, you need to do something, when you have a naughty toddler its going to be so much harder, plus you dont want your daughter learning from you.

Good luck hun, please get some help x

 

[mumj18]

I suppose I know, deep down, its not just regular anger issues. I sometimes think I can't go on anymore and lash out at the people closest to me, my mum when I lived at home and my oh now I live with him. I'm also very lonely and lack self esteem. I need to sort my life out! I have the most beautiful baby girl but sometimes find myself thinking that I can't do this.

 

[Andypanda6570]

I was thinking bipolar also, i think we all have a little of that I think i do too. But maybe you just need some anger classes and some therapy, your asking for help so that means you are a good person and your recognize you have a problem get some help , maybe you need meds or maybe something happened in your younger years that triggers your anger, we all carry something from our youth I know I do. Just make an appt with a doctor and maybe you can find out what is going on. Sending much love and positive thoughts

 

[peanut08]

sounds like you need some help in finding ways of dealing with your anger, you are stuck in a rut in the way you process your anger, a therapist will help you to understand your triggers and teach you how to deal with them in different ways, you need to break the cycle before you teach your baby the same habbits. We all have times in our lives when we need a little help, me included and please dont be afraid to ask for it, sooner rather than later as these nhs services have waiting lists. Maybe in the meantime you could try some relaxation techniques, i was a little like "yeh as if a massage is gona help my stress" but dont knock it untill you have tried it.
Having a baby is hard, stressfull and with other issues we all have going on in our lives, sometimes we just need a little help