Please help me keep a level head, Ex being a royal pain!

[fairydreams]

we split for good a while back, but having to maintain contact with him for the children, lately he's been letting them down on contact days & I'm the one left to pick up the pieces, I put them to bed excited they're going to daddy's in the morning and then have to dissapoint them in the morning when he's had a better offer, wow! better than spending time with your 2 beautiful children! I just want to be able to not give a toss but honestly I do & I need advice as to not react to him iykwim? x

 

[dustbunny]

I would have a word with him, a serious word. Ask if he actually wants to be in their lives and if he really does then he has to commit the time to your children. It's not good for them at all to have a wishy washy father and if he doesn't want to put the time in then tell him he can sod off.
The only way to sort out the situation effectively is to talk to him about it.

 

[bumphenders]

Just keep your cool... Don't give him too many chances though.
Its not fair on your children.
Tell him calmly if he keeps flaking out on them, then he wont see them anymore.
If he is that bothered he will take you to court - let him!

Keep a diary of the times he's meant to be coming, and make note of when he doesn't etc, that way if he does take you to court you can show the court that you have tried.

They may suggest a contact center, at least you will be doing your part and your children will be able to see that when they're older.

Whatever you do, don't flip on him.

Sorry if this doesnt help much I just didn't wanna r&r

 

[Mally01]

One of the first things I would do (because he is so unreliable) is never tell your children when or if he is coming to collect them. That way you do not have unhappy little faces on your conscience, only you know the secret that he didn't turn up. When he does get up off his bum and sees them at least the little ones will be surprised and they won't feel rejected. Behind the scenes you can deal with him and basically start being unreliable with him too (shoe on the other foot etc). I would be a sneaky cow and plan for him to come over a few times and then casually go off out with the kids. When he kicks up a fuss, just say 'oh, the kids had a better thing to do today than see their Dad, they preferred to go out shopping than see you, sorry' He might get the picture then and see how it feels to be let down at the last minute and feel rejected.

 

[Laura2919]

I agree with Mally! I wouldn't tell them because he is a let down. The more you react to what he is doing the more he will do it. It's instinct to want to protect your children from hurt and pain but they will eventually make up their own minds about him.

It's so hard to stay calm and sometimes it's not always possible especially when he is difficult but you can try and ignore him it will only start affecting him..

 

[daveww]

One of the first things I would do (because he is so unreliable) is never tell your children when or if he is coming to collect them. That way you do not have unhappy little faces on your conscience, only you know the secret that he didn't turn up. When he does get up off his bum and sees them at least the little ones will be surprised and they won't feel rejected. Behind the scenes you can deal with him and basically start being unreliable with him too (shoe on the other foot etc). I would be a sneaky cow and plan for him to come over a few times and then casually go off out with the kids. When he kicks up a fuss, just say 'oh, the kids had a better thing to do today than see their Dad, they preferred to go out shopping than see you, sorry' He might get the picture then and see how it feels to be let down at the last minute and feel rejected.

that has to be one of the most pathetic things i have heard a person say! ...two wrongs dont make a right and why would you advise someone to be a "sneaky cow" , actually go to the lengths of planning for him to come over then casually go off , what inmature childish point scoring load of nonsense

 

[dustbunny]

One of the first things I would do (because he is so unreliable) is never tell your children when or if he is coming to collect them. That way you do not have unhappy little faces on your conscience, only you know the secret that he didn't turn up. When he does get up off his bum and sees them at least the little ones will be surprised and they won't feel rejected. Behind the scenes you can deal with him and basically start being unreliable with him too (shoe on the other foot etc). I would be a sneaky cow and plan for him to come over a few times and then casually go off out with the kids. When he kicks up a fuss, just say 'oh, the kids had a better thing to do today than see their Dad, they preferred to go out shopping than see you, sorry' He might get the picture then and see how it feels to be let down at the last minute and feel rejected.

that has to be one of the most pathetic things i have heard a person say! ...two wrongs dont make a right and why would you advise someone to be a "sneaky cow" , actually go to the lengths of planning for him to come over then casually go off , what inmature childish point scoring load of nonsense

It might not be 100% the right thing to do but bitching someone out won't help the situation either. That pathetic excuse for a man... a father... needs to be put in his place. Unfortunately not all men are like you and want to put in the time and effort to see their children... most can't be fucked. It is pointless him being involved or treated as an equal when he has no respect for a. the mother of his children and more importantly b. his children themselves. He needs a good slap of reality.

 

[Mally01]

One of the first things I would do (because he is so unreliable) is never tell your children when or if he is coming to collect them. That way you do not have unhappy little faces on your conscience, only you know the secret that he didn't turn up. When he does get up off his bum and sees them at least the little ones will be surprised and they won't feel rejected. Behind the scenes you can deal with him and basically start being unreliable with him too (shoe on the other foot etc). I would be a sneaky cow and plan for him to come over a few times and then casually go off out with the kids. When he kicks up a fuss, just say 'oh, the kids had a better thing to do today than see their Dad, they preferred to go out shopping than see you, sorry' He might get the picture then and see how it feels to be let down at the last minute and feel rejected.

that has to be one of the most pathetic things i have heard a person say! ...two wrongs dont make a right and why would you advise someone to be a "sneaky cow" , actually go to the lengths of planning for him to come over then casually go off , what inmature childish point scoring load of nonsense

I think you are missing the point of my post and to add, I would be very,very careful coming on here pal and shouting your mouth off like this to women who have been cruelly dumped on by men and are also hormonal and pregnant. Just a word of warning. Whether you are a good father or not, you are way out of line calling me 'pathetic', 'immature' and 'childish' you have no idea what half of us innocent women go through, whose FOB's have pissed off and also treat their children like this. If this man is playing 'head games' with tiny, little, vulnerable kids I think most mothers would lose their patience dressing their kids up for the day, having them then sit on the sofa patiently waiting for their daddy and then....he just doesn't turn up. You obviously have no concept from your post of how this feels for a little one. I was merely 'suggesting' that if he wants to mess with his childrens heads, then he deserves much of the same.

But of course, YOU are not pregnant and neither have you had the experience of being a good mother who allows her FOB to see her kids when he wants, like this lady is doing and then having the FOB do this to her.

Again, think before you speak.

 

[daveww]

One of the first things I would do (because he is so unreliable) is never tell your children when or if he is coming to collect them. That way you do not have unhappy little faces on your conscience, only you know the secret that he didn't turn up. When he does get up off his bum and sees them at least the little ones will be surprised and they won't feel rejected. Behind the scenes you can deal with him and basically start being unreliable with him too (shoe on the other foot etc). I would be a sneaky cow and plan for him to come over a few times and then casually go off out with the kids. When he kicks up a fuss, just say 'oh, the kids had a better thing to do today than see their Dad, they preferred to go out shopping than see you, sorry' He might get the picture then and see how it feels to be let down at the last minute and feel rejected.

that has to be one of the most pathetic things i have heard a person say! ...two wrongs dont make a right and why would you advise someone to be a "sneaky cow" , actually go to the lengths of planning for him to come over then casually go off , what inmature childish point scoring load of nonsense

I think you are missing the point of my post and to add, I would be very,very careful coming on here pal and shouting your mouth off like this to women who have been cruelly dumped on by men and are also hormonal and pregnant. Just a word of warning. Whether you are a good father or not, you are way out of line calling me 'pathetic', 'immature' and 'childish' you have no idea what half of us innocent women go through, whose FOB's have pissed off and also treat their children like this. If this man is playing 'head games' with tiny, little, vulnerable kids I think most mothers would lose their patience dressing their kids up for the day, having them then sit on the sofa patiently waiting for their daddy and then....he just doesn't turn up. You obviously have no concept from your post of how this feels for a little one. I was merely 'suggesting' that if he wants to mess with his childrens heads, then he deserves much of the same.

But of course, YOU are not pregnant and neither have you had the experience of being a good mother who allows her FOB to see her kids when he wants, like this lady is doing and then having the FOB do this to her.

Again, think before you speak.

i think you need to take your own advice and speak before you think. i have nothing to be carfeull about , im just being truthfull! at some point you have to stop being selfish... being dumped? being hormonal ,being pregnant ? thats your problem not the childs .... and to think because he is messing with the childrens head so he desrves the same is once again pathetic...you have to be the bigger more mature person and set a good example not resort to inmature games

 

[Mally01]

One of the first things I would do (because he is so unreliable) is never tell your children when or if he is coming to collect them. That way you do not have unhappy little faces on your conscience, only you know the secret that he didn't turn up. When he does get up off his bum and sees them at least the little ones will be surprised and they won't feel rejected. Behind the scenes you can deal with him and basically start being unreliable with him too (shoe on the other foot etc). I would be a sneaky cow and plan for him to come over a few times and then casually go off out with the kids. When he kicks up a fuss, just say 'oh, the kids had a better thing to do today than see their Dad, they preferred to go out shopping than see you, sorry' He might get the picture then and see how it feels to be let down at the last minute and feel rejected.

that has to be one of the most pathetic things i have heard a person say! ...two wrongs dont make a right and why would you advise someone to be a "sneaky cow" , actually go to the lengths of planning for him to come over then casually go off , what inmature childish point scoring load of nonsense

I think you are missing the point of my post and to add, I would be very,very careful coming on here pal and shouting your mouth off like this to women who have been cruelly dumped on by men and are also hormonal and pregnant. Just a word of warning. Whether you are a good father or not, you are way out of line calling me 'pathetic', 'immature' and 'childish' you have no idea what half of us innocent women go through, whose FOB's have pissed off and also treat their children like this. If this man is playing 'head games' with tiny, little, vulnerable kids I think most mothers would lose their patience dressing their kids up for the day, having them then sit on the sofa patiently waiting for their daddy and then....he just doesn't turn up. You obviously have no concept from your post of how this feels for a little one. I was merely 'suggesting' that if he wants to mess with his childrens heads, then he deserves much of the same.

But of course, YOU are not pregnant and neither have you had the experience of being a good mother who allows her FOB to see her kids when he wants, like this lady is doing and then having the FOB do this to her.

Again, think before you speak.

i think you need to take your own advice and speak before you think. i have nothing to be carfeull about , im just being truthfull! at some point you have to stop being selfish... being dumped? being hormonal ,being pregnant ? thats your problem not the childs .... and to think because he is messing with the childrens head so he desrves the same is once again pathetic...you have to be the bigger more mature person and set a good example not resort to inmature games

Well done, how to upset and make a woman cry (which I am doing now because of your post) I hope you are really proud of yourself for being a bully on-line and being nasty to me. How dare you come on here and tell me how I should and should not be feeling about being dumped and pregnant.

You are no better than most of the men we are talking about, insensitive, rude and selfish. I am amazed at your heartless response.

 

[Laura2919]

One of the first things I would do (because he is so unreliable) is never tell your children when or if he is coming to collect them. That way you do not have unhappy little faces on your conscience, only you know the secret that he didn't turn up. When he does get up off his bum and sees them at least the little ones will be surprised and they won't feel rejected. Behind the scenes you can deal with him and basically start being unreliable with him too (shoe on the other foot etc). I would be a sneaky cow and plan for him to come over a few times and then casually go off out with the kids. When he kicks up a fuss, just say 'oh, the kids had a better thing to do today than see their Dad, they preferred to go out shopping than see you, sorry' He might get the picture then and see how it feels to be let down at the last minute and feel rejected.

that has to be one of the most pathetic things i have heard a person say! ...two wrongs dont make a right and why would you advise someone to be a "sneaky cow" , actually go to the lengths of planning for him to come over then casually go off , what inmature childish point scoring load of nonsense

It might not be 100% the right thing to do but bitching someone out won't help the situation either. That pathetic excuse for a man... a father... needs to be put in his place. Unfortunately not all men are like you and want to put in the time and effort to see their children... most can't be fucked. It is pointless him being involved or treated as an equal when he has no respect for a. the mother of his children and more importantly b. his children themselves. He needs a good slap of reality.

I agree with Dave though. Two wrongs dont make a right. I agree that she shouldnt tell the children but not with the whole playing him at his own game cos thats using the kids as pawns.

 

[Mally01]

But there is no need for him to speak to me like that Laura, regardless of whether my post was right or wrong!!. He could have just said that he disagreed with me and it was not the best thing to do, instead he attacks me assuming I was purposely viscious about my suggestion (which I was not) and calls me 'pathetic, immature and childish'. That is bang out of order.

 

[Laura2919]

But there is no need for him to speak to me like that Laura, regardless of whether my post was right or wrong!!. He could have just said that he disagreed with me and it was not the best thing to do, instead he attacks me assuming I was purposely viscious about my suggestion (which I was not) and calls me 'pathetic, immature and childish'. That is bang out of order.

Im not taking sides here I promise. I can see both your views but think of it in his situation.. A dad who desperately wants to see his child and someone else is suggesting playing games. Games and children dont mix and it creates a really bad feeling. This I know. I've done it all possible in the last 10 weeks with FOB. Now im at the point of not caring at all I dont care what he knows and does with himself.

Both you and Dave need to remember that sniping isnt the way forward. Sometimes its easier just to not say anything back. Plus dont let it get to you its an internet forum.

Plus. What would Dave know about pregnancy hormones and carrying a child? Water off a ducks back..... Men havent got a clue.. Although they might think they do...

 

[Mally01]

I would never, ever suggest that a mother plays head games with a father that is good to his kids and wants to see them and is good to them. If that is what he believes I was saying then that is incorrect and he didn't read my post properly. It was obviously referring to a bad father, a father that doesn't care less and a father who hurts their children. A mother wouldn't see the need to seek advice on a good father on here as he wouldn't cause these problems.

I may be upset and hormonal but it really annoys me when someone breezes in, reads a post, makes assumptions about that person, has a sweeping statement about it and then has the gall to attack them again when they try to defend themselves. I think he is a bully.

 

[Wobbles]

Dave I understand you are feeling sensitive due to your own circumstances but please understand these ladies have their own circumstances and frustrations too. I don't think telling ladies if they are pregnant/hormonal it's their problem is going to help or go down well on BabyandBump, where the majority are women

Mally I think you too could understand where the reaction came from in Dave's situation. We hear so many stories where the father isn't manning up to his responsibilities, refusing to see their children, communication problems etc but we don't stop to think of those good men out there who would do anything to see their children and are wrongly being refused, I'm sure he has a little girl there too wanting to know where her Daddy has gone at no fault of his own (from what I can read). His feelings on BabyandBump aren't void because he is male.

With a bit of input into the disagreement here ...Dave, If I'm reading right I think Mally is suggesting a bit of reverse physiology within a situation totally different to your own as a last measure, not a permanent suggestion (I'm not saying if its right or wrong). Sometimes reading between the lines helps rather than nit-picking certain words. Seeing your child's eyes when they can't see Daddy or want to know where he is was one of the most painful things I have ever experienced and my split was amicable, he seen the girls on a regular basis, these moments were just normal days they were with me. I do hope the mother of your daughter catches a grip soon.

I don't know how anyone can let their children down in any circumstances but just remember this forum is for support and we are all here with our own situations.

x

 

[wishingonastar]

I think regardless of whether the father is good/reliable or not, resorting to mindgames in retaliation is completely inappropriate and whilst I understand why some people may consider it justified, ultimately it simply gives a message of not being a mature grownup and stooping to the other persons level.

My advice would be:
- if the contact when it happens is positive and the children are managing with seeing their father once one month and twice another then don't tell them he's due to see them, wait to see if he arrives and if he doesn't go to a backup plan so they have a nice day doing something else and are none the wiser
- if you need consistent contact so you know where you stand or if the children are distraught at not knowing whether they will see their dad from one min to the next then I'd suggest ceasing contact temporarily and using official channels to set out agreed slots and rules to abide by. Hopefully this would give him the message his lack of commitment and prioritising is unacceptable and won't be tolerated

 

[wishingonastar]

In addition to my above post, one of the other reasons I don't support mindgames is it means you are with a clear conscience both now and in the future that you are not harbouring any responsibility for your childrens lack of contact with their father and I think this is important for peace of mind

 

[fairydreams]

sorry I didn't mean to cause any disagreements hope you are OK Mally? Thanks for all the advice by the way, I stopped telling them when he is coming anyway so not to avoid disappointment, he works late shifts 5-11pm so always rings them at teatime to wish them goodnight and that'll he'll see them tomorrow. Told him the other day that he really needs to stop this if he's not sure he can make it for one reason or another. We'll see if he listened for next contact day. Thanks again. Fairydreams

 

[Laura2919]

You didnt cause arguments, everyone has a different opinion thats all.