Question- if you had another child after a special needs child

[lusterleaf]

Hi,

I am not quite sure where to turn to but I don't know anyone who has been in my situation, and I could use some advice right now.

I have a 2 year old DS who is diagnosed ASD. He is non verbal. For the past month and a half he has been attending a special needs school where he gets ABA, and speech therapy and soon to be PT and OT added as well. DH and I knew despite this that we always wanted two kids. DH is older than I am so he didn't want to wait much longer.

I am 7 weeks pregnant with my second child and I am afraid to tell my family because I believe they would react negatively and judge me for having a second child when my DS is special needs. For example, the other day I was over at my aunts house and my aunt asked me when I was having another, I replied "I don't know" and my father says, "No, she's not having another now, she has to wait till her son gets better" so yeah talk about discouraging! My kids will be just about 3 years apart but I know DS will probably not be anywhere near independent by then, which is why I know I will probably be judged.

Anyway I guess this is just me looking for someone in the same situation that I can vent to and get some advice. If you were in the same situation, did anybody react negatively when you told them you were pregnant with another? Also, how was your overall experience once you had another?

Thanks so much in advance.

 

[mummy2o]

I'm in a similar situation and have just told everyone I'm pregnant with my 3rd, despite DS(7) having autism and just finding out my DD(8 months) is in the to watch category for my health visitor. It wasn't as bad as I expected. My mum basically said timing could be better, which I totally agree with as we have a few life events going on right now. OH's dad basically said something a long a similar thing. The only one who seemed annoyed was OH's brother who we never see anyway!

My son has pretty high needs, but is getting easier as he's got older. He can't fully dress himself, needs help showering, feeding as he gets distracted and needs prompting, he's know to wander off. But he is also very good with his baby sister. He puts her nappy in the bin, lets me know if she's crying and will start her electrical toys she can't reach. They don't play together due to the big age gap and he's into his own thing which happens to be computers. I'm hoping it will change as they get older, but if not DD can the next one as a playmate and DS can carry on being a loving big brother in his own special way.

 

[Reid]

I would have been furious if my dad said that I think that's soo rude.
having a wee brother or sister might work out great he might love it and he will always have someone looking out for him as they get older. Xx

 

[mummy3]

I have 5 special needs kids and a surprise number 6 on the way! 2 of mine happen to have mod/sev ASD as part of their special needs so I get it. Honestly too, you quickly get in a routine and I've personally found that siblings help more than they hinder.

Don't listen to any negative comments, your baby is a blessing, congratulations!!

Only person that would act negatively for us would be MIL so thinking to not tell her and see if she notices another Everyone else has been super supportive.

 

[BlueHadeda]

and my aunt asked me when I was having another, I replied "I don't know" and my father says, "No, she's not having another now, she has to wait till her son gets better" so yeah talk about discouraging!

Wow. I would've replied: "He's not ill dad, he doesn't need to get better!"

Here's my experience.

I had 3 kids, of which the eldest had epilepsy, but it was under control. The 2nd child had some birth defects, she was developmentally behind, especially socially, emotionally and was struggling in school. She needed loads of my time, and lots of therapies that was a drain financially. Our 3rd was a happy, normal little boy of age 3. I wanted a 4th baby. My family and most friends were extremely against it. People just don't have 4 kids in this day and age, they said. Three is already more than what most have. And your daughter needs you. How could you spare time for another baby?

I went ahead and had my 4th. Another little girl. When she was around age 1, the psychologist told me that there was absolutely NOTHING I could've done better, than giving my special-needs older daughter this baby sister. She said it was PRECISELY what she needed. And the happiness and love and adoration that she got from having this baby in her life, was the biggest boost for her selfconfidence, for her maturity development, her social skills, etc. 100% just positive!!

So when anyone is negative, tell them that you've read that siblings can have a huge positive boost on older, special needs kids. They need that, just like any other child needs a sibling. It's gonna be a beautiful relationship, which you're gonna have the priviledge of witnessing first hand. Enjoy it!! There's nothing better than seeing the love between your children develop.

 

[Tiff]

I don't have any other children other than our daughter (who has ASD). We chose to not have any more, as our daughter is a lot of work and we didn't plan on having any in the first place. She was a happy surprise, but that's the only one we want... if that makes sense.

Anyways, I'm only responding as I got grief from people for NOT having another, even though she has Autism. She was diagnosed Moderate-Severe, and the things I'd hear from people, how she's going to be alone in life, don't I want her to understand the joy of having a sibling, don't we want a boy, etc etc etc.

Anytime I mentioned that part of our fear was that we WOULD have another child with Autism, everyone pish-posh'd it.

I've come to the conclusion that people will always have a say in whatever they think is best. It is you and your hubby who are living your lives. If you don't feel your family is complete... then hold your head high and do what is best for your family. Congrats on the pregnancy, btw!

We did what was best for ours. It bugs me when people have opinions about things that don't really affect/concern them.

 

[Thurinius]

I had my second before I knew my eldest was asd. My eldest became verbal at 3.5 years. He'll be 4 next month and my littlest is 18 months and I think it's been great for both of them. My youngest is now starting to talk and they are picking words up off each other.
And there is plenty of interaction between them which is something my elders struggles with outside the home.

 

[Lara+sam+bump]

My eldest is 5.5 yrs old and has moderate autism, my youngest is 2 yrs old. I'm also 8 weeks pregnant. A few people were surprised that we wanted a third, but not sure how related to my son their reactions were. My 2nd has been exactly what my eldest needed, they play constantly, they are each others best friends and I couldnt have given my eldest a better gift in life than his brother and I hope number 3 is as positive addition to our family as number 2 was xx

 

[Guppy051708]

I have three children. #2 is our child with ASD, non verbal, etc. he is very intelligent tho. Anyways, he is the only with this type of special needs (DS1 has epilepsy and abnormal brainwaves however he does not have any other special needs, in fact he is gifted). My daughter jiat turned one and so far she is "typical"

Honestly, I don't know your folks but I think they would be happy for u. Having one SN does not mean u will have more. Plus, what of you did? That child would still be loved. S/he would still be a blessing and a gift. It really isn't their place to judge. On the other side, when u have "typical" kids, there will always be negative (and positive) opinions. As soon as u pee on the stick it seems they come out of the woodwork either way

 

[lusterleaf]

Thanks all. It really helps to hear your perspectives and advice. It's also encouraging to hear that the new baby was a positive influence on your older child. I probably won't tell family until 12 weeks which would be around Christmas, all I can do is hope for the best!

 

[blessedx4]

Our oldest son, 6yrs has Autism and severe ADHD. He didn't really talk at all until he was 3, but due to early intervention you would never know he was Autistic unless you were around him for quite awhile. To be honest, I think others should follow some of his Autistic traits. We're convinced the world would be a better place. He's completely genuine, loves giving everyone hugs(one of his first forms of communication), he's smart, and so sweet. We don't worry about what his future holds like we did when he was younger. Your LO is only 2, and with the early intervention you're doing you'll be amazed at what a couple years will bring. Our youngest son is 12mos younger and has helped his brother learn to talk, play, and is without question one of the biggest reasons he's come so far. Kids are able to teach other kids in ways that adults just can't. Hence, the peer Pre-k special ed programs, which our son started at 3yrs old.

One of the best things you could do for your LO is to give them a sibling. Now, there will be extra chaos, and there will be times that you're going to want to pull your hair out, but I promise you'll see what I'm talking about in a couple years. The bond between a special needs child and their sibling is a beautiful thing, and it makes the neurotypical child a much better person IMO. Our neurotypical son(5yrs) is now a peer in the Spec Ed Pre-k program in our school district. His teachers and other parents said he is so sweet and amazing to the special needs children. He talks about them with such endearment and is very protective of them. We went on to have a 3rd child DD(1yr) and the bond between our kids is the best thing.

Be strong and confident in your decision to have another child, and be happy and proud because it is a great thing for you, your DH, and LO. I know it's hard, but ignore the nasty and hurtful comments. Congrats and hang in there!!

 

[Reid]

Oh I'd love an update if you've told them hopefully the news would have been well taking xx

 

[lusterleaf]

Thank you again for your responses, it really does put me more at ease. I was hesitant but told my family at xmas eve, I could tell in my moms face she was thinking "are you crazy" but they all said congrats. Later on when I was alone with my mom she said "you know what I was going to be thinking, it's just going to be really hard for you and I hope it's a girl so there's less of a chance that the baby will be autistic like DS" so yea it was kind of a weird reaction from her but it makes me feel better to hear stories of those that have gone through this and also that the sibling can be a typical child too. Although if he or she is special needs as well I will love them just as much. But again thanks for the responses and I hope you are right that in time I Will see lots of progress from DS

 

[bumpin2012]

I have a special needs toddler. He's amazing with his sister.
It's hard at times, a lot of work meeting both kids needs, but when I see how happy both are too see each other in the morning it's worth it.

 

[Tiff]

Thank you again for your responses, it really does put me more at ease. I was hesitant but told my family at xmas eve, I could tell in my moms face she was thinking "are you crazy" but they all said congrats. Later on when I was alone with my mom she said "you know what I was going to be thinking, it's just going to be really hard for you and I hope it's a girl so there's less of a chance that the baby will be autistic like DS" so yea it was kind of a weird reaction from her but it makes me feel better to hear stories of those that have gone through this and also that the sibling can be a typical child too. Although if he or she is special needs as well I will love them just as much. But again thanks for the responses and I hope you are right that in time I Will see lots of progress from DS

Definitely weird, but in the end I'm glad she acknowledged what you were feeling and being semi supportive? All the best with your pregnancy and progress for your little man

 

[EElse]

Hi ladies!

Just wanted to day that I have no children of my own yet but my sister has two sons. The oldest (10) has a severe neurological condition which doctors has been unable to diagnose correctly. He can walk (started when he was about 4) but not run or play rough, has a few (10 or so) words in his arsenal but he can communicate very well by pointing or by using his tablet. He's still on diapers.

Their second son (6) is 100% healthy with no evidence of any neurological condition. The two help each other so much and it is amazing to see how well the little one interprets his brother's wishes and needs. Sometimes he understands what his brother wants before anyone else could even guess.

My sister was thinking of having another little one, to give her second son a play mate that understood him and could run around with him but in the end they decided against it. I always supported them in their decision to have a second child and knew that even if he/she had a neurological condition as well, that they were the best possible parents for such a child.

I greatly admire any parent who does their best by their special needs child(ren).

Good luck to you all and God Bless!!

 

[Mapleroo]

I was already pregnant with #2 when we found out about the problems with # 1. He started having seizures when he was four months and was later diagnosed with a bunch of other stuff. Our daughter was born when he was 11 months old and still very unstable, seizures everyday and hospital stays at least twice a month. It was such a stressful time, and I often wondered if we already weren't pregnant, would we have had any more kids. It turned out to be such a blessing and probably the best kind of therapy he could have ever had! He was very delayed and he actually learned to crawl and walk from her. He is now 14 and is considered severely mentally handicapped. He has aphasia and apraxia of speech but we (as a family) can 9/10 make out what he's saying. If we have any trouble, his sister translates lol. They are the best of friends and he really misses her when she isn't at home. She is amazing with him and is his biggest advocate. She had a post on Facebook the other week for his birthday about how lucky she is to have him for a brother etc etc. Of course it hasn't always been sunshine and lollipops and no doubt her childhood has been affected by having a sibling with a disability but I do think it has made her such a caring person. She is so accepting of everyone and has buckets of patience. We have since had 2 other kids and now the tables have turned and our disabled son will sit and show his flash cards to his 8 month old brother and tell him in his "language" what each card is! Try not to let negative comments get to you, it really has been nothing other than a positive experience in our lives. Good luck!

 

[likklelis86]

im on my third pregnancy. my second has asd.we didnt know until he was 3 and hes 7 now. we decided to have another, and also decided if thid child also has any special needs, then so be it.. i don't think it's anyone elses business to be honest. xx