Ready but Scared of My Family

[Wannabemomma1]

Pregnancy is a big deal. I'm 20 years old and have been dating my boyfriend for well over a year. We have been living together for quite a while now and have created our own little family with me, him, and our puppy. But lately we have been discussing having a baby. My boyfriend is so serious about it, he was actually the first one of the two of us to bring it up. We're not married yet, hence that's why he's my boyfriend, but we eventually plan to get married. I feel ready for this part in our relationship, but I also feel unready financially. My boyfriend has told me over and over that we have friends who will give us their baby's old stuff, we will learn to budget better, he'll give up buying so many games and such. He reassures me over and over that we'll figure it out, but he thinks we're ready, and I think I'm ready too. I think the main thing holding me back though is that I'm scared of the disappointment of my family. I'm scared of letting them down. I'm scared of them being super disappointed in me. I know that my family would be there for me, but they'd still be disappointed in me. I don't want to let them down, I don't want to disappoint them. I know they dream for me to finish college and go far in life, they want to see me succeed before starting a family. But I see it as I can succeed with my own little family too. It may be harder, but it isn't impossible. I so badly want to share my thoughts with them, but I'm afraid of them shooting my beliefs and thoughts down. My mom won't shoot them down with words, but she'll shoot them down with the way she says things. My older sister would shut them down with words. I'm afraid of being seen as dumb and stupid for wanting to have a baby before having my life completely figured out. I'm taking college courses online to become a counselor. I have a job. I have my own place. And I'm figuring things out, I'm just afraid of what my family will think of this next step my boyfriend and I want to take. I don't know what to do. What should I do?

Thanks,
Wannabemomma1

 

[arturia]

Financially, you ought to consider the cost of daycare first. Just receiving stuff is not enough. Find out how much you'd be spending sending your new LO to daycare while you work, (hint: It's usually a LOT.) or whether you're ready to give up working for the time being. Besides that, it's your choice, not your mom and dad's.

But if I were to make a recommendation, I'd say finish those college courses first.

 

[tverb84]

Personally I would finish college first and then think about having a baby.

 

[lilmisscaviar]

All life is a gamble, isn't it? I became pregnant with my first baby unexpectedly when I was 21 and enrolled in college. I know a lot of girls that either went to school or worked while pregnant. I couldn't because I had horrible morning sickness (also called hyperemesis gravidarum) that made me have to be near a bathroom 24/7 for the first 20 weeks of my pregnancy. Not finishing college is the only major regret I have about having children. Of course not going to college didn't mean my life was completely over, it just means that you have to figure out ways to make due with what you have. For instance tax money goes a long way. When you have children, you get more than you typically would and I suggest you save it rather than spending it on frivolities to use throughout the year. You never know when you'll run short on money to buy, say, diapers and need to dip into savings. Also the $ store will be your best friend and Black Friday will be the best time of the year to get your kids stuff for Christmas. If you're any good at couponing, that'll help greatly. We can typically get $200 worth of food for just $50 or less by couponing. It is hard, but if you're willing to work for it, you can do it!

As to your parents... you're not living with them so they don't really have a say anymore in what you decide to do. You'll be surprised how much moms come around when grandkids are involved. I don't think women ever really outgrow broodiness as long as they live.

 

[Reiko_ctu]

I know the broody feeling, we both had it when we were first married... but we decided to wait until I finished school. As soon as I had a career path and started working, we started trying and got pregnant right away. I would say, at 20, if you take another year or two to get some college under your belt, and perhaps can finish that up while raising your first, and then can start your career, you probably won't regret that choice! In the long run a year or so will go quickly!

Money wise, the cost of baby things isn't necessarily all that much. Second hand stores have almost everything you'll need. But things like, being on maternity leave and daycare, and stuff like RESPs, that's the stuff that costs.

 

[MindUtopia]

I would say you shouldn't worry too much what your family thinks as sometimes family can be weird about these things, especially if you have an already tense relationship. If you are ready and you feel like you've done everything you need to do in life before you can put this chapter in your life behind you and move on to the next one (because that's what being a parent means, it changes everything and life will never again be as smooth and easy as it once was), then you don't need anyone else's approval for your choices. When my husband and I got pregnant with our first, I was 32, a professional with a good career, in school getting my PhD, had been living on my own for 14 years, financially secure, stable, wonderful husband who she loves, everything, and I still got disapproval from my family (I think because my mum didn't really enjoy parenting and found it stressful herself). And now that I'm 36, still stable, happy, financially secure, great career, happy marriage, she still rolls her eyes when I say we want to have a second. You can't always please everyone and you have to make your own choices.

That said, only you can decide if you're ready, and from reading what you wrote, my guess is it's still a bit of a hasty decision. That doesn't mean you shouldn't have children, but it means make sure you get your ducks in a row first and make all the other commitments you need to make, including financial and legal ones. I don't think you need to be married to have a family together, because some people don't believe in marriage and never want to be married, and that's fine. But if marriage seems like a big commitment right now, and having a baby doesn't, I would give some thought to that. At least a marriage can be annulled if it all goes badly, but once you have a child together, you are stuck together for life, even if you decide to split up years down the line, and you'll have to commit raising your child together, including co-parenting along with new partners as step-parents. You might need to think about why you don't feel ready to get married now, but do feel like you are ready to have a baby together. Because having done both, marriage is definitely the easier of the two.

As you're still in school, I would definitely think about the financial aspects of how you will raise a baby, pay for childcare and also go to school or work once you finish. Childcare is so expensive and it's really hard to take classes, even online, or study while you're caring for a baby or toddler. I had such grand plans for my maternity leave (I was off for a year on paid maternity), that I would get reading and work done for my degree while I was taking time off from grad school, but it was impossible. You're up half the night and then you wake up for the day by 6am and then it's full on all day, and then your baby might go to sleep by 6:30-7pm, but wake up every hour so you only sort of have time to eat dinner and shower, and you finally get to bed by 9-10pm, with 2-3 wake ups a night, and then repeat. It's exhausting. There was no time or energy for studying. When I did go back to school and work, part and then full-time, I needed to pay for childcare (no family who live nearby who could help). I pay about £850 a month or so, depending on the month, which is about $1050 a month. I'm fortunate to work in a field where I make enough that that isn't like my whole paycheck, but you'll want to think if when you finish school, you'll be making enough when you first start to pay for childcare, plus all your other expenses.

That's not to be all negative about it. Being a parent is the best thing I've ever done, but it's damn hard, and I would not have been as ready for it when I was 20 as I was later in life. I enjoyed having fun and being selfish and traveling and spending time with friends and doing all those things in my 20s. I also had no idea how hard and expensive it would be, because no one really talks about these things. I think people like to paint it as being all rosy and fun, but it's work, and I even have a really easy, happy, healthy kid, without any of the challenges that things like special needs or health issues can bring. So I would say, don't let what your family thinks control your choices, but at the same time, it might be worth considering why they might feel the way that do and if that makes sense to you.

 

[staralfur]

Echoing a lot of what the other ladies have said...

First that while it's nice to receive gifts and hand-me-downs from friends and family, you should not rely on it. I think it's a tad irresponsible to plan a pregnancy when the expectation is that others will help you out.

Secondly, that school is VERY VERY hard with a baby. I got pregnant in my second year of university (unplanned) and my grades suffered immensely. I cut my course load in half. It took me almost four years to finish the last two years of my degree and I ended up on academic probation right after I had my LO because I couldn't finish my classes. If I could have picked the timing of it I would not in a million years choose to do school with an infant again. I got there in the end but it was messy, stressful, and tough on everyone.

And finally, that you're still so young and a year is not really that long when it comes to relationships at that age. I know that probably sounds terribly condescending and I don't mean for it to be, but the reality is that it's easier to come into your own and to stabilize a relationship without adding a baby to the mix.

As for your family, you are on your own so you're certainly not obligated to tell them about your plans. That said, if you value their opinions it's probably worth hearing them out even if you think it's not going to be what you want to hear.

 

[BSN2MOM]

I would really encourage you to wait, but it's your life in the end, so here is just my 2 cents: I'm sure you've already heard it and I understanding the feeling of knowing someone is the right one, but you've only been with your boyfriend 1 year, you're only 20. Life costs money. Weddings cost money (even small intimate ones), babies cost a heck of a lot more money, college costs money, paying off those student loans is going to eat up a good chunk of your money and if you don't finish and get a job that can pay back those student loans you'll have to defer them, and then the interest will pile up, meaning in the end, MORE money.
If you're worried about what your family may think, maybe really try to understand why. They love you. They don't want to see you stuck, or fail, or struggle. Your mom and older sister have seen a little more of life and are trying to protect you. Obviously a baby is a very precious thing, but it's a huge responsibility. You should really understand that the best things in life are worth waiting for. I hope you find your path.

 

[_Meep_]

I'm going to disagree with everyone and say that babies really don't have to be terribly expensive.

90% of my daughter's clothes, books and toys are from car boot sales and charity shops. She doesn't care. If we're not going out anywhere, she spends her days in her pyjamas. I breastfed her (still do) - obviously this may not be what you want, or may not be possible, but it's certainly the cheapest option! I wore her a lot of the time as a little baby in a sling from the 80s, though we do now have a secondhand pram. The only thing we regularly spend money on is nappies - some people save loads by going with cloth, but I personally couldn't be bothered.

My partner is a self-employed dog trainer and walker. I am completely unemployed and spend all day with my kid. She's developing wonderfully. OH earns about 20 grand a year and we survive just fine on that. We rent a nice three bedroom house with a big garden, and we are happy. Ideally we would love our own home - but we can't get one until I start working, and now we have a second baby on the way, I guess we'll be renting a while longer. It's fine. It's really fine. We don't want for anything. It doesn't have to be impossible to have a baby (or two) on a budget.

At the end of the day, it's your life and what will make you happy is more important than what your parents want.

 

[arturia]

I'm going to disagree with everyone and say that babies really don't have to be terribly expensive.

90% of my daughter's clothes, books and toys are from car boot sales and charity shops. She doesn't care. If we're not going out anywhere, she spends her days in her pyjamas. I breastfed her (still do) - obviously this may not be what you want, or may not be possible, but it's certainly the cheapest option! I wore her a lot of the time as a little baby in a sling from the 80s, though we do now have a secondhand pram. The only thing we regularly spend money on is nappies - some people save loads by going with cloth, but I personally couldn't be bothered.

My partner is a self-employed dog trainer and walker. I am completely unemployed and spend all day with my kid. She's developing wonderfully. OH earns about 20 grand a year and we survive just fine on that. We rent a nice three bedroom house with a big garden, and we are happy. Ideally we would love our own home - but we can't get one until I start working, and now we have a second baby on the way, I guess we'll be renting a while longer. It's fine. It's really fine. We don't want for anything. It doesn't have to be impossible to have a baby (or two) on a budget.

At the end of the day, it's your life and what will make you happy is more important than what your parents want.

Babies can definitely be cheap if you don't have to work. You're right about used stuff, it's what I plan to do for various reasons beyond even budget. It's the cost of daycare that really kills it in most cases.

 

[_Meep_]

Daycare is horrible here too. So so expensive, though everyone gets a certain number of hours free per week. I do feel grateful not to have to work - we have basically nothing left over with just the one salary coming in, but that's ok.

 

[gradschoolmum]

If you feel unstable financially, there is probably a reason for it. DH was worried about ours too as we look to have a baby next year, but sitting down, asking others what things cost (daycare, school, loans, rent, etc), and seeing if it is possible was helpful to see what we were getting into. So it's definitely more than just getting hand me downs.

And I also just think that perhaps you both should start "being better at budgeting" now rather than waiting for when a baby is on the way. Maybe I misread the intent in that statement, but it sounded a little immature. And it doesn't mean that you or your bf are immature! It just maybe is a red flag that you aren't ready for this stage. Being financially stable is an ongoing thing, not something that will just happen down the road. Start making the sacrifices of buying fewer unnecessary things now rather than later.
And about family- I TOTALLY get it. I even think about my family having opinions about babies after DH and I have been together for four years. I think it just it another red flag as to how ready you are though- that their opinion would stop you from a personal goal. And I get it... Families can be really tough. But they will always have opinions.. Are you ready to stand up for your decision? When I was 19-20, I thought I was SO ready for a baby. Like, it was the only thing I really wanted in life. And I would worry about what everyone would think- and people would be judgmental when I talked about it with them. But giving it a few years, having some more goals in life, graduating college and having the financial freedom of having those goals, etc... All of those things helped me grow into who I am now. I doubt I would have ever gotten my masters if I had a baby when I was young, for example.
And I don't think anyone is ever fully ready, there's always some sacrifice for having a baby at every stage- but make sure it's a sacrifice you want to make. What are you giving up?

In the end, it is your decision. But you're going to be the one who will need to answer these questions for yourself so if you're hesitant, perhaps there is reason for that.