Really hurt by mother in law

[miraclemomma]

Sorry ladies, I don't think that this really belongs here but I need to vent!!!

My husbands nan died 2 weeks ago (she was poorly and living with my MIL during the end stages). She has been moved back home for her funeral which is 2 hours away from where we live. So I've been texting my mother in law almost every day, cooking her dinner etc to try and help (I've always made an effort though she's not overly loving and I've never been 'close' to her). Anyway, today she text my husband to say that the funeral has been arranged for next week but no further details. I've called tonight to ask for more info but she really didn't want to talk to me at all. I asked her daughter (my SIL) if she'd spoken to her and she said she'd give her a call. Anyway SIL has called me back and said that MIL "isn't wanting to cause problems but" my kids (3 and 8mths) aren't welcome at all for the day but that she still really want husband to go. I feel really really hurt. I can't find childcare for the day - it's spread out service at 11, cremation at 1 and "reception" at 3 plus travelling time! So I can't go either! My SIL is takin her kids (8+6)! I've always felt like she's not bothered about me or my kids and I feel like she's proving it! I feel painfully hurt! And I don't know how to get round it cos obviously it's not the best time to be having a family fall out! Help!

 

[AP]

Are you sure it's not just a case of your kiddies being a lot younger that your SILs? Children that young can be really difficult to entertain at that age. I appreciate why you are upset though!!!!

 

[miraclemomma]

I would have thought that but then surely she could have said that to me or my husband and not pass a "I don't want to fall out but..." Message through my sister In law. Also, I'd just assumed that if the kids got restless I would take them out for a walk but I feel hurt that I can't go and pay my respects. X

 

[cupcake23]

What did your sil say about it? Was she embarrassed when she told you?

I do find it strange and would also be very upset. Is there a way that you can go for a short period so that you can pay your respects?x

 

[miraclemomma]

She said she was really sorry "you know what she's like" and that she really didn't want to be in the middle. I really want to go for a short period but with the distance I don't know where I would go for the rest of the time with the kids. I think husband is going to go over to chat tomorrow night! He's really upset also and says he feels awkward about it. But at the same time it seems like a really bad time to have a family fall out X

 

[Kanichen34]

Just gone through the same scenario, GiL died a few weeks ago and her funeral was Monday, we have a 2.5year old who we were adamant would not attend, my BIL and SIL have a 6 year old and 3 year old. Us and MIL and FIL did not want any of the kids there at all, it's not s place for children. But they live 2.5 hours away so they were brought along anyway, despite multiple alternative suggestions being given. They were a PITA. The 6 year old was asking questions constantly 'why is daddy standing up there? Why is daddy putting his had on that box?' And the 3 year old kept climbing on and off his mothers lap, fidgeting, trying to get to Nana....

It's not a social event, it's not a place for children. Personally I hate the very concept of funerals and don't feel you need to be there to pay your respects, you can remember you GiL anywhere anytime.

 

[JumpingIn]

My partner's SIL died a few weeks ago and I never expected to be able to take my 11 month old to the funeral. He would have hated it and screamed through speeches. It was just the expected thing that I stayed home with him. I'd say as a rule of thumb funerals are probably for 5+

 

[Quartz]

When my granddad died I took DD (who was 5 at the time) to the service where she read a poem for me and was fine. OH took DS (who was nearly 2) for the service as he just would not have coped. Both of us then took both of them plus my cousins (9 and 11 at the time) for the cremation as its not suitable imo for children at all and then everyone went to the reception.

We have already agreed that when by OH Nan dies (she is 94 and ill) we are not taking the children as my mum and dad can look after them.

I think its one of those things where the meaning behind the message has gotten lost in translation and they have just decided it best for thm not to go if only the reception is suitable and its a long way to travel

 

[sethsmummy]

To be honest I think if yourself and your husband want the children to attend the funeral then take them!

Im sorry but i dont agree with "funerals are not a place for children". Death should not be hidden from children and they are just as entitled to be there as any other person regardless of their age. They are part of the family and shouldn't be shunned from these sort of things just because some dont find it appropriate. My sister and I attended all funerals as we were growing up (both graveside and cremations) and my children will be the same. Our eldest attended his first at one year old, yes he asked questions and wanted up and down on my lap but thats just part of being a child. They are curious about these things and in my personal opinion i think its why children sometimes find death so hard to come to terms with.. because everything is hidden from them. If they get too rambunctious they can be taken outside till they calm down, and then taken back inside if the parent thinks they will be ok.

No person should be denied the chance to say goodbye to a loved one. My nanna is 78, her health is slowly declining. When she dies she is being buried with my grandad and all three of my children will be attending the funeral regardless of what others "think is right or wrong"

 

[Kiwiberry]

I don't have any advice but I know how you feel. My husband's cousin was getting married and we're the only one in the family with children. They basically said no children at the wedding which pretty much made it so that I couldn't go and in turn my husband. From that point on I have pretty much stopped talking to them and I know that's probably not possible for you. I hope you work things out with her.

 

[Larkspur]

I think that she didn't express her desire to have the funeral held without small children present very well, but that given her mother has just died, you should probably give her some leeway and graciously accept her wishes, even if that means you can't attend.

 

[ElmaWG]

I think that she didn't express her desire to have the funeral held without small children present very well, but that given her mother has just died, you should probably give her some leeway and graciously accept her wishes, even if that means you can't attend.

That pretty much exactly what I as gonna say. Though if I were in your shoes, I think I'd feel upset too.

 

[miraclemomma]

Sethsmummy, I feel the same way about funerals. My 3 years old has actually attended 2 with me in the last year. I feel he has a good concept of what's happening without being sad about it. We openly talk about what's happening and he sits quietly throughout. If it was local I'd be tempted to go without them but it's not. As for larkspur and ElmaWG - in kind of clutching to the hope that that's what she means but it's a whole list of things that have been said over the last few weeks that makes it feel like it's more than that. I spoke to MIL 10 minutes before my SIL called me. She was telling me how she wanted important family members to travel from his nans house together.... So are me and the kids not considered family members - she's a peculiar woman anyway - this just makes me feel like she doesn't like me and the kids (she's never sat for them but does my SILs kids) -
Obviously this is unrelated but all part of a much bigger issue x

 

[jessmke]

I would be hurt by that as well. My OH's grandmother passed away recently and we travelled 7 hrs to go to the funeral in April when DD was 4 months old. She is EBF and won't take a bottle so I couldn't leave her with anyone. A couple of times I had to leave the service with her (once to nurse and once for a diaper change) and since the family sat at the front of the church I had to walk in my heels all the way to the back of the church where the doors were, which was a bit embarrassing but no one was annoyed or anything. Our 6 and 4 year old niece and nephew were also at the funeral and sat quietly the whole time. I don't think there is anything wrong with taking small children to a funeral, but I'm not sure how to react if they are specifically requested not to be there. If it were me I likely wouldn't push the issue considering her mother has just passed, but it would definitely affect my relationship with her knowing that I wasn't being treated the same as the rest of the family.

 

[miraclemomma]

Thank you. Husband went to talk tonight and she wasn't able to explain herself in any way that made us comfortable with her decision! So we aren't going, husband is as I don't want him regretting not saying goodbye to his nan, but we are going to distance ourselves for a while. Also found out that his mum has requested us not be invited to his uncles wedding! Painful day really xxx

 

[jessmke]

Also found out that his mum has requested us not be invited to his uncles wedding! Painful day really xxx

Wow! So clearly it had nothing to do with not wanting children at the funeral. What a horrible way for an adult to behave! I would distance myself from a person like that as well.

 

[sethsmummy]

so sorry hun you should have your own little memorial as a family afterwards

 

[george83]

Having taken my then 2 1/2 year old to my grandparents joint funeral and following that my 4 year old, 1 year old and 6 month old to my grandad's funeral I would be quite grateful to be told outright that children aren't welcome and therefore that's my excuse for not going. I struggled with child care which made my decision to take my children both time but I would really rather not have had them there. I do agree children shouldn't be shielded from death and funerals in principle but in reality emotions run high and it's always so difficult to second guess if your going to offend anybody and id hate for an innocent child to get caught up in the emotions.

Clearly there's more going on with your mil but I'd try to rise above it and support your oh as best you can

 

[LoraLoo]

To be honest I think if yourself and your husband want the children to attend the funeral then take them!

Im sorry but i dont agree with "funerals are not a place for children". Death should not be hidden from children and they are just as entitled to be there as any other person regardless of their age. They are part of the family and shouldn't be shunned from these sort of things just because some dont find it appropriate. My sister and I attended all funerals as we were growing up (both graveside and cremations) and my children will be the same. Our eldest attended his first at one year old, yes he asked questions and wanted up and down on my lap but thats just part of being a child. They are curious about these things and in my personal opinion i think its why children sometimes find death so hard to come to terms with.. because everything is hidden from them. If they get too rambunctious they can be taken outside till they calm down, and then taken back inside if the parent thinks they will be ok.

No person should be denied the chance to say goodbye to a loved one. My nanna is 78, her health is slowly declining. When she dies she is being buried with my grandad and all three of my children will be attending the funeral regardless of what others "think is right or wrong"

This 100%!