Recurrent MC, now too scared to test.

[LPF]

I'm really struggling here...I've had 3 losses over the last year so obviously I'm majorly panicked and stressed now about TTC.

This is our first month TTC after a break and RPL testing (nothing to report except a top end of norm FSH level which I suspected iffy eggs was my problem). I always conceive very easily but they don't stick.

I'm now 16/17 dpo and no sign of AF I've had AF cramps for a few days and sore boobs for 10 days. Temp dipped to below cover line once, 2 days ago then went back up and is up today.

Thing is, I'm too scared to test. I'd rather be in blissfull ignorance than go through it all again. I'm also scared of tests / lines / darkness of lines / progression etc...

With my last 2 bfps which ended at 5-6 weeks, the lines were there but not dark and didn't get darker and I was devastated before I even knew I was MC. With my first MC I had the darkest lines I've ever seen and it turned out to be a blighted ovum.

I'm too scared to do a test and then worry about the outcome....realistically I need to know especially before Thursday before my routine appt with my RPL consultant....but I just don't want to know, is that really weird.....help!

 

[Sunshine14]

I'm really struggling here...I've had 3 losses over the last year so obviously I'm majorly panicked and stressed now about TTC.

This is our first month TTC after a break and RPL testing (nothing to report except a top end of norm FSH level which I suspected iffy eggs was my problem). I always conceive very easily but they don't stick.

I'm now 16/17 dpo and no sign of AF I've had AF cramps for a few days and sore boobs for 10 days. Temp dipped to below cover line once, 2 days ago then went back up and is up today.

Thing is, I'm too scared to test. I'd rather be in blissfull ignorance than go through it all again. I'm also scared of tests / lines / darkness of lines / progression etc...

With my last 2 bfps which ended at 5-6 weeks, the lines were there but not dark and didn't get darker and I was devastated before I even knew I was MC. With my first MC I had the darkest lines I've ever seen and it turned out to be a blighted ovum.

I'm too scared to do a test and then worry about the outcome....realistically I need to know especially before Thursday before my routine appt with my RPL consultant....but I just don't want to know, is that really weird.....help!

Just wanted to send you a big hug since last December I have had 3 cp's followed by a 4th sticky bean which ended in a mmc in August so I know exactly how u feel when it comes to testing! I was reluctant to test after the second cp & was too scared to see it disappear again - which it did! Then I got a sticky bean which had a small fetal pole at 6 weeks & a flicker where the hb should have been but the next week it was gone & was a mmc. My solution (don't know if it will help u!) is to not get too excited until I see a hb / make it past 12 weeks -- I can't deal with the rollercoaster so I protect myself by not getting too excited. It does kindof work & actually now I am happy to test because I know at least I am getting PG & my body is trying to do something. It only takes one egg & fingers xd if ur getting PG one of them has to be good! Anyway not sure if this is helpful but good luck to u hun if u do decide to test - boy ttc is tough! xx

 

[Camichelle]

LPF and Sunshine. Sorry for your losses. Was having a really bad day with similar feelings. I've had 4 losses as you can see in my signature. About 6dpo now and I feel like when the time comes I'm going to be scared to test too and even if/when I do get another BFP, it won't stick and I'm just going to obsess. Just wanted to say you're definitely not alone in feeling like that and I think Sunshines advice is good. It's what I'm going to try to do. Hope this is your sticky BFP.

 

[LPF]

Well I did a test this morning (frer) and it was a faint positive - too faint for 18dpo. Then I started to have some pink spotting when I wiped.....

Oh well, at least it's over with quickly.

 

[Camichelle]

So sorry LPF.
Could you be off on O date and not be that many dpo?

 

[LPF]

Between opk, temping and CM I'm pretty definite that I ov'd on cd14/15 which makes me dpo 17/18 today. Spotting has stopped but I know it's just a waiting game.

This is why I hate this so much. The uncertainty. After 4 miscarriages I know that uncertainty = bad outcome and why I didn't want to test and be uncertain in the first place.

So so tired of this. I want to stop putting myself through it but my heart won't let go

 

[Camichelle]

I know how you feel after having had 4 losses myself. Can't help but to get excited at the possibility every time but keep ending up feeling gutted. I sometimes feel like giving up too. Why keep doing this to myself? But like you, my heart won't let it go and if I have to go through more losses to get my rainbow I think eventually I'll look back and know it was worth it.

Sending you lots of hugs and positive thoughts that you will get your sticky bfp very very soon.

 

[LPF]

I know how you feel after having had 4 losses myself. Can't help but to get excited at the possibility every time but keep ending up feeling gutted. I sometimes feel like giving up too. Why keep doing this to myself? But like you, my heart won't let it go and if I have to go through more losses to get my rainbow I think eventually I'll look back and know it was worth it.

Sending you lots of hugs and positive thoughts that you will get your sticky bfp very very soon.

I hope you do too xxxxx