Return to work not going well :(

[mhazzab]

I've been back at work now for a week, part time, and I hate it.

This morning, abut ten minutes after I got into work, two of the women in the office (one of them was my boss) started talking to a third, who is pregnant, they were talking about labour and giving birth etc. I was so upset I had to leave the room, ran to the toilets and was bawling my eyes out. Another person who was in the room, thought the topic was a bit inappropriate, and emailed the girl who sits opposite me, who hadn't heard any of the conversation as she had been talking to someone else, and she came down to the toilets to check on me and found my crying my eyes out. We ended up going for a walk, (in the pouring rain!) to calm me down. I was so upset, not only because what they were talking about brought back traumatic memories for me, but also because I was horrified they were being so insensitive. Everyone there knows what happened to me.

Even a few hours later, I'm still so upset, I don't want to have to listen to that kind of stuff at work, its hard enough being back

Is anyone else who has returned to work after a loss, finding that they just don't care about work any more? I always really enjoyed it, but now I can't wait to get away.

I'm now worried about how I will cope going to the ante-natal classes, that's going to bring back more bad memories, and the birth will too. I thought I was doing really well, but this is just like a reality slap in the face.

xx

 

[KamIAm]

Aww... I am so sorry Mhairi! I'm sending you a huge virtual hug!!

Yes, I too had a HORRIBLE time when I went back to work, enough so that I just quit my job! There was a lil of different reasonings but that was a main one... I'm going to school full time now but I just had to get out of that office... I honestly not sure why THAT office, maybe since that's the place I worked when I had all my health problems during my preg with Emma and when Em' was born... ??? Not quite sure but just knew I had to get out of there.... It breaks my heart to hear how insensitive they was being!! Wow! I wanna slap them for you.... UGH... It's amazing how some people are just like that...

Maybe a job change would be in your future? Heck, I vote just quit all together BUT if you have to work then maybe working else where?? Sometimes just being "unknown" helps... I was a lil worried when I signed up for my classes how I would feel or do, but while I"m at school I'm fine mostly.. No one knows me or my story and sometimes that's nice... ecspecially since the coworkers you do work with know you and your story and still act like that ...

I don't know Sweets... Just feel terrible for you .... Hopefully someone will come along and give some amazing advice

 

[Andypanda6570]

I am so sorry and I am sorry that people are rude and so insensitive, it is disgusting All I can say is try your best to avoid these idiots (I know that may be impossible) I just don't understand how anyone can talk in front of someone about their pregnancy and this and that when they know how much hell you have been through, also loosing your dad, you have been through so much. I wish i could be there and slap the shit out of them
Love You XOXOXOXO

 

[KamIAm]

Andrea always makes me smile ...sometimes I even get a good chuckle

 

[mhazzab]

Andrea always makes me smile ...sometimes I even get a good chuckle

It made me laugh too, thanks for looking after me girls x

 

[dnlfinker]

After a loss, going baC k to work was never the same. I went 4 days post operation but it was hard. For a while it felt like i didnt care and could not fuction. my friend at work is pregnant, 4 weeks after me. She always comes back to my desk to talk out of good thought. Its a bit its hard to watch her.I see it this way, tjose that are expecting are so ovelwhelmed with joy , that they dont see how they can hurt others.I am sorry that they are being insensative and that they are making you feel bad

Lots of hugs

 

[Hellylou]

Ah yuk, I'm sorry to hear this. Sounds like me last week before I got signed off. I was a total mess and just couldn't stop once the tears started. My trigger wasn't co workers though - they've all been lovely, it was a member of the public being a total tit, and it wasn't baby related. I was just in a bad place emotionally when I went in, and I just happened to get abused by Mr Dickhead.

That really is such a tough situation though. It makes you wonder what planet some people are on. I can only guess that they quite simply didn't think. Idiots. When you have only been back a week I would have thought it would still have been fresh in their minds, though, so I really am shocked that people can be that insensitive. I am sure someone will have highlighted it to them by now and they might think twice before they open their mouths again. Perhaps a quiet word with the boss might be in order, especially as she was one of the idiots doing it?

With the ante natal classes etc, just take each bit at a time. It's like getting back into the saddle of a horse that threw you off and stamped all over you so it's going to be a very cautious ride, but you will be ok.

 

[blav]

Awww, so sorry to hear that sweetie. I wish I had something to offer but I don't go back to work until December 1 so I'm not sure how it'll go. Fortunately (in a way) I was the last of the pregnant women there so hopefully no one will say much. I do notice however, people talking about their babies on Facebook kind of gets to me (and it shouldn't, I mean they can't stop their life for me, I guess). I really hope work gets better for you....giant hugs to you!

 

[OliveBay]

I've been back at work a couple of weeks myself and totally understand how you feel .
I'm finding that after a day of putting on a brave face at work (and often failing at keeping this up for any length of time!) I'm totally exhausted when I get home, especially with the dark nights now. Early night for me again I think! Look after yourself and try not to be too hard on yourself. I keep telling myself that going back to work was always going to be tough, but things like what happened to you today certainly don't make it any easier

 

[collie_crazy]

I feel like I could have written this myself

I was off work for 12 weeks after losing Emily... and although I was dreading them the first few days back actually weren't too bad but after everyone had gotten over me being there it seemed like they just forgot why I had been off and became rather insensitive! I dont know if they just thought 3 months later I should be over it or if they genuinely didn't realise, or didnt care but there were a few occasions when office talk turned to babies and pregnancy and I would find myself running for the toilet in tears.

Once it was my pregnant colleague and others talking about how big her bump was getting and how her baby was kicking constantly and had hiccups. I actually got sent home early that day as I was in no state to go back to work.

Another time someone had commented on how they had passed a funeral hearse with a tiny babies coffin in it - god I didn't even make it to the bathroom before the tears started that time

I've been back at work about 5 or 6 weeks now and I'm struggling more now than I was 5 weeks ago. I've got some annual leave booked so this week I've been off for 4 days in for 1 and off for 8 again (spot the day that was fully booked) But I honestly feel like after my annual leave I might have to go off sick again as I am just not in the right frame of my mind to be coping with work. My work can be quite upsetting and stressful at times and down right irritating at others (cant say too much publicy what I do) and I have to be caring and empathetic with everyone I speak to but there are days when I really just can not be f*cked (sorry!) dealing with other peoples problems and I am finding myself wanting to scream at them. I just dont care about it anymore and yet I used to enjoy my job.

Sorry I've moaned its the last thing you need! But wanted to let you know you are most definitely not alone in your thoughts!

 

[amotherslove]

*hugs* thats awfull.. what insensitive people.. i'm terrified to go back to work.. i just went back to classes today for the first time but i'm staying out of work till the new year.. dreading it hope it gets easier for you hon.

 

[mhazzab]

oh Amanda...

At least my colleagues were just talking about stuff relevant to their lives, so I can kind of understand why they were talking about what they were, even though to me it was upsetting, but why on earth would someone talk about a baby coffin in front of you? That is completely insensitive, I'm so sorry

thanks to everyone for your comments, I'm very lucky to have you all.

Went to the canteen with my boss today, to talk about what I will be working on. She asked me how I was getting on with being back, I was honest with her, about how hard it is, and also about what people are talking about. To cut a long story short, I ended up running out of the canteen in tears to the toilets, again, thankfully when I calmed down, we found an empty meeting room to talk in.

She has told me I don't need to be at work right now, if it's not feeling right for me. I also told her about my pregnancy, which felt like the right thing to do. So, she has said I can stay off till christmas, if I want to.

I'm thinking about taking her up on the offer. I kind of feel like I can deal with being at work, mostly, but, I just have so much going on in my life right now, I think I could do with one less demand. I just feel a bit of a failure, like I have had so much time off already that I should be okay now, but it's quite clear that I'm not. Me and my little rainbow are my priority, not work, even my boss said work is not important.

thanks for listening to my ramblings! xx

 

[babylou]

I'm sorry you are having such a tough time at work, but it does sound like your boss is understanding.

I feel like I have an easy time compared to you all. I suppose it's different for me because only a handful of people at work knew about my pregnancy. Those that did know were my closest working collegues, and I'm sorry to say girls, but all but one of them was male. The boys have been fab with me since I got back, and my manager has also been really supportive. It's almost like they watch out for me. Mind you I do talk about the situation more with my female collegue, so if I need a chat I head in her direction.

Apart for some other 'not knowing' staff enquiring about my ill heath absence then nothing else really has happened.

I hope you start feeling better soon, and take the time if you need it. Those rainbow baby hormones are probably zapping your system too.

Take care

love and hugs

 

[DueSeptember]

Awww sorry I know it is hard to go back to work I had to go back like 3 weeks after I had Maya but the ladies here were so nice but then everything goes back to normal after weeks and weeks pass people tend to forget but I will never forget...Just know your Babies are with you I think Maya is always looking at me and watching over me

 

[OliveBay]

I think you've been really brave and sensible talking to your boss about how you're feeling - I did the same thing today! Its important that we remember to ask for help and support when we need it rather than trying to be superwoman and just struggling on in silence, which can end up making us stressed or ill. I bet you feel relieved now after talking to your boss, even though it was upsetting

 

[Nikki_d72]

Aw Mhairi, I'm so sorry you feel this way. I totally get you on the not caring thing, I'm exactly the same, and my job is just trivial anyway, it's no career, just a job and I really can't be ar*ed either with other people's cr*p! I'm glad you spoke to your boss and I think you should take her up on the offer of taking off till after Christmas, you have so much on your plate hun. It's no failure, you have just to change priorities and you and your wee rainbow are the most important thing. Work is just work.

I'm so sorry the ladies are being insensitive - my closest friend here (I don't have many really as I only moved back to a new area of NZ a year and a half ago, and to this street only 6 months ago) was the one who cleaned my house for me coming home from hospital, lit the fire, cooked etc for me and texted everyday but she is pregnant, one month ahead of me and comes in here and sits and rubs her bump and tells me about hiccups and all the rest. I want to knock her off her chair! She even started telling me one day how she doesn't need to hear the heartbeat on the doppler for reassurance because "she knows everything is fine". I'm sure she does, but she didn't even seem to see why that would be insensitive to me! I'll never get to feel that way again, no matter what happens now. I'm just keeping my distance now, which is really sad as she was so good to me. Anyway, my point (I think) is that some pregnant women just don't see past their own happiness and having never suffered a loss like us, really don't get that you might not want to hear it. They probably don't realise that they are hurting you. As for mentioning a baby coffin, OMG that would be so hard, what a stupid thing to say. I'm with Andrea on that, would love to come slap the hell outa them! (That made me giggle too)

As for the anti-natal classes, I can't give you much advice on that( was 10 years ago I did mine and they were a waste of time really), except to say that I get you on the horrible memories bit - I never got to birth DD as I got an emergency C-section (which wasn't really an emergency and was probably unneccessary but that's another story) so I have a lot of fear over experiencing the birthing feeling again and it reminding me of that awful feeling of not being able to stop by body from pushing the boys out, as it is the only birth experience I have. I will say though that it will be really hard but it would be best to challenge yourself to face that before you get to the point, so that you can enjoy your labour somehow, or at least be able to release - Maybe some rainbow mums can come to the rescue here as I think this is a big issue for any ladies pregnant after a loss like ours. It might be worth a new thread? I hope I'm not upsetting you saying that, it's a worry of mine too. I'd also hate to think that that awful experience will be my last and only birth experience though, so would be prepared to do whatever mental work I could (if I ever get pregnant again) to get past it so I could birth and have a happy experience. I think it would be damn scary regardless though.

Do you think something like hypnotherapy might help? It might help to take the edge off a bit. Are there any doulas in your area? Many know how to teach natal hypnotherpy techniques and are just good moral and emotional support. You may not need to go to antinatal classes at all if you hired a doula as she could teach you all the birthy stuff at home. As far as I know they cost a lot less than an independant MW and will come to hospital and everything with you, so you have continuity of support, someone known to you assisting you at birth, who can reassure you and help you get the most out of it. Just an idea, sorry if it's too hipp-dippy for you! Thought it may enable you to side-step antinatal classes altogether if you wanted. My experience of them was they were a good social thing, we met a lot of other couples having their first children also but after losing babies it would be a different kettle of fish altogether I think - they may just make you feel more isolated, in among all those happy first-timers. we didn't actually learn much of use, but that may just have been to ones I went to. Maybe you could ask around other folk who have been to see if they are worthwhile for you and then decide if you need to put yourself though it or not?

Anyway, this turned into a mega-ramble, so sorry!

I hope you are feeling a little better and are cutting yourself some slack, you're not Wonderwoman, OK?! (though close to it, with all you've been doing recently.)

xxx

 

[yazoo]

I'm sorry that things at work have not been going well. The comment about the coffin was so bloody insensitive. ugh. Do people not think before they open their stupid gobs. I think in relation to the pregnant women they are so wrapped up in their own pregnancies that they just do not think. I also find that hard. My cousin and couple of friends who are pregnant update their statuses weekly with the progress of their babies, what size they are, what they would be doing right now. (its one of them app things.) One of them also had a status about how special it was feeling a baby within your womb etc etc. I look at it and just want to scream at them. How could they be so insensitive, they were the very people who convinced me about rejoining facebook and then they rub their happiness and pregnancies in my face. But on the other hand I think- why wouldn't they shout from the rooftops about their pregnancy, they are excited and are probably not thinking about me while updating their status. Anyway enough of my ramblings.

I'm glad your boss has given you the option of taking off work. Don't feel like you should be okay now. There is no timeline for grief so please don't be hard on yourself. Your and your little rainbow are whats important and if you don't need to be at work then I would take full advantage of that offer. xxxx