School Troubles

[Amarna]

My oldest daughter is 5 years old and started kindergarten this year. She seems to be having a lot of trouble in school and lately I've been wondering about other options. Private schools (while I think they're a much better choice in this area academically compared to the public schools) are pretty much well out of our price range without generous financial aid which really isn't available. She was in a Montessori oriented preschool from ages 3-4 and did MUCH better there, she got nothing but rave reviews from her teachers and never had any problems whatsoever. But now it's like she's completely changed. At school she's argumentative, loud, has trouble sitting still and gets in fights a lot with other children. We've talked to her about her behavior at home and been in regular contact with both her teacher and the school psychologist. The psychologist is of the opinion that my daughter needs/wants extra attention and has been meeting with her regularly as a reward for good behavior. She's always been really active but usually with a reminder will sit still/calm down. Honestly her teacher seems really overwhelmed whenever I talk to her, it's her first year teaching and she has a class of 30+ 4 and 5 year olds, she was supposed to have a classroom aide helping her but funding was cut. I'm also not thrilled with a lot of the district's academic policies to say the least but I won't get into that here.

When I talk to DD and try to get her to tell me about school, what she does, why she gets upset and give her better options to handle/channel her feelings she just starts crying and tells me that her teacher won't listen to her, that other kids don't want to share/play with her, etc and that's why she acts up. I've told her that that doesn't make her actions okay, that her teacher has to be listened to and that not all kids are going to want to share or play nice, she can't force the situation by being mean back to them and that she must make good choices,, then following myself up with good choices that would have been better given whatever situation we are talking about. I tried saying if someone is mean to tell a teacher rather than being mean back which seems to be the majority of the situations honestly but DD just gets told to not be a "tattler" and is left to deal with feelings and problems she doesn't know how to cope with. I feel like she doesn't have an adult she can go to at school on a regular basis when she has a problem with other kids. Am I expecting too much from the school here? There's a chart implemented at school with a reward system tied in for when she is good, and I get daily reports on her behavior, but it's really not improving at all. At home we have a reward chart as well for when she behaves at home.

There is a new baby in the home, my youngest is 13 weeks old and DD was always an only child before this. Both myself and the school psychologist think that a lot of her issues stem from getting used to the divided attention she now gets at school and home. Both myself and my husband make sure to spend time just with her and to include her in as much as we can but it hasn't made any difference.

I don't know...advice would be appreciated. My instinct says to look for other schooling options at a school that would better fit her needs, but financially I don't think we could take the strain. I've considered homeschooling...DD is already involved with a dance studio and is we're looking at girl scouts or martial arts in addition to that so she'd still get lots of socialization with peers but that would mean me not going back to work in a few weeks as planned which I wouldn't mind but it would mean a tighter budget even though it's doable. However, I'm not sure if that would be the best option given her situation. What would you do?

 

[SerenityNow]

I would not be inclined to send my 5 year old to a class with 30+ kindergarteners. It is just too stimulating an environment for someone that young. I'm definitely sympathetic to the budget problems schools face and I think for the most part they honestly try to do the best with the resources they have, but I know that even though my DD would act out in a totally different way because she is such an introvert, it would be a disaster for her to be in a class with that many kids.

One thing that seems really odd to me is that the psychologist thinks she is trying to get attention so she meets with her as a reward for good behavior. I obvs don't know the whole situation but doesn't that seem backwards? The psychologist will talk to her when she has proven that she doesn't need extra support, rather than providing it when she is feeling frustrated and acting out? I'm also not a fan of "reward charts" but won't bore you with the reasons why. If you feel that they work for your DD then more power to you.

The fact that she cries when she talks to you about it shows that she is genuinely distressed at school. I think it is asking a lot of a 5 year old to rise above and behave in that situation. If it is an option to pull her out and homeschool or even just wait a year to start kindergarten, I think that may be a good idea. I think it's what i would do in your situation.

 

[Amarna]

Thanks SerenityNow. I really appreciate your feedback.

I had a meeting with her teacher and the psychologist today. I'm actually interested in your thoughts on the reward charts. I decided to try it because it seemed like nothing else was working, we've tried talking to her to help her work through the situation and her feelings (and still do but it only minimally helps it seems), taking away privileges such as television, etc., giving her outlets to express herself (ie: Draw me a picture to show me how you are feeling), and none of it seems to be working.

It breaks my heart to see her having such a tough time at school. I want to her like school, to have friends there, etc and she just doesn't feel like she has a place there it seems. I don't place the blame entirely on her teacher, she seems to be doing all she knows how to do but the teacher admits that she's getting frustrated and I wonder if DD is picking up on that.

I spoke a bit with the local Catholic elementary school. They can give us 50% tuition assistance which means that the school is now an option financially for us. I'm still a little hesitant because we're not Christian and have been raising DD secularly for the most part. But the class sizes are much smaller, only 13 students per teacher and they have aides that help out as well on a regular basis, academics are much better, they even start teaching a foreign language in kindergarten which is something public schools don't do until 7th grade here, which I'm really impressed with. And at her age theology really isn't much gone into, just basic morals, etc. I'm thinking the Catholic school might be the best option for us because it means I can still go back to work and paying the bills will be a little easier, even with the additional school cost.

 

[hel_5]

I personally would definitely change schools, I'm sorry but the teacher is not able (and doesn't have the help/support) my DDs the same age, just started school, if any one is mean etc she goes straight to teacher (as they all do) they are constantly moving to different tables as so and so isn't playing with them etc, the teacher helps the kids get on and play with each other

My heart breaks for you, I would be devastated if it was my DD xx

 

[hellohefalump]

I'd go with the catholic school tbh. I went to catholic school and I'm not particularly religious now.... But my mum was at the time. I found some things helpful there though, the Christian ethos is a good one (be nice, be accepting of others, forgive people instead of fighting...etc etc) in fact I used to take Madeleine to a church play group until I moved out of the area because the people were all so kind. Also when I was a child we had 'hymn practise' every morning, which taught me to read more than the normal teaching did! We all sat in the hall and read the words from a big projector, there was a to of repetition so the kids that couldn't read yet could still sing along, but gradually it became a really good way of learning to read.

 

[Bex84]

I can see why u want to change schools. Just an idea how about offering to hear readers for an hr or something just so u can see how your child is within that environment. It doesent seem teacher is doing enough i was teaching a class that 2 children had alot of behavoral problems and use of positive rewards, one to one time in times like assembily, positive reinforcement when good including going to show work to head teacher and photo copy for parents, use of emotion fans the list goes on. We were consistant with negative behaviour using red, green and amber chart, picked for jobs and we would use strategy for whole class. As for friendship groups there was a problem with one group in yr and me and another teacher alternated lunch and break times to go out and teach games, we paired them up with other people. One thing to look out for is i have seen some children realise if a child is regularly in trouble and will wind that child up till the understandable lash out as other child wants to get them in trouble. We even had friendship club and a friendship bench at the school i worked where older children would befriend younger ones and all play in a group.

 

[Amarna]

Thanks everyone. I've been looking over the literature for the Catholic school that I was sent and I plan on calling tomorrow (school's been on break due to Thanksgiving here) morning to set up a time to take DD to tour the school and meet with the principal and teachers. It seems to be a much better environment and they seem much more able/willing to help DD adjust to and work through the changes in her life right now.