SERIOUS: 5 yo boy touching my 4 yo girl

[minkie]

So my husband and I are sick to our stomachs and couldn't sleep all night because of this. Please tell me your thoughts as to wether this is something that happens alot wiith 5 year old boys. Went to my sisters house for a baby shower and let my kinds play like normal over there (very close with sister and her kids and family) and my nephew and 4 year old were playing like always. Well that night when we got home I was putting the baby to bed and she told my husband that Adam had "something on his booty" (meaning she saw his wee wee) so my husband inquired this and found out this story, he was in the bathroom and had his pants down and then pulled down her pants and underwear and "rubbed" her butt and touched her private parts. Now I don't know how long he did this or anything this is coming from a 4 year old but it did happen she doesnt make up stuff like this. I called my sister and she just kind of laughed it off saying she doesn't think he would do something like that. Well, yes he did! I don't know what to do now. I don't want to never go over to her house again I love my sister and her kids...but my husband is afraid she will remember this her whole life and be scarred and I mean it is very disturbing. Is this normal behavior for a 5 year old boy? SHould we just move on from it or what? I am lost as to what to do now......

 

[humblebum]

I'd be inclined to put it down to them both experimenting rather than anything sinister. Still not very nice but they are both still very young and not entirely sure of what is appropriate and what's not. I'd have been a bit cross that it was just laughed off rather than her saying she would speak to him to make it clear that's not really on xx

 

[wishingonastar]

hmm...i hate to say this but that does not sound like normal behaviour for a child his age...but then i guess thats not to say its unheard of...

i know kids often 'show' each other their bits but its the fact she says he touched her too.

Sexualised behaviour can be totally innocent as a one off, but it can also be more sinister. I think if you're sure all is ok in general with him at home, then the best action you can take is simply to make sure your children are not left alone with him in case he does it again out of curiosity and it impacts on your daughter

i'm sure you have already but make sure she is aware that was not the right thing for him to do

 

[Seity]

Sounds like normal, innocent childhood curiosity to me.

 

[midori1999]

I think the most likely cause of the 'incident' is natural, curious childhood behaviour. I seriously doubt your daughter will be scarred by it for life. Children don't yet know about sexual behaviour, so neither your daughter or nephew will view the touching as anything sexual and unless they are taught otherwise, why should they think it is any different to touching another child's arm or back, for example? It is only us adults who see innapropriate behaviour children just don't.

The other possibility is that your nephew is being sexually abused and has learnt the 'touching' behaviour from that. Children that are abused do show sexual behaviour at an age where they shouldn't really know what it is. You know your sister and her husband best though and from what you have described I think the first answer is much, much more likely.

I think the best way to deal with it is for your sister to explain to her son that it's natural to be interested in other people's bodies, but it's not OK to touch other children's private parts. If you went in all guns blazing telling her you and your husband hadn't slept, thought your daughter would be scarred fo rlife etc, she probably laughed it off out of awkwardness tbh.

 

[Blah11]

He's 5 and thats not old enough to have any sort of sexual feelings what so ever. Your daughter will forget if she's not already. I appreciate it's not that nice a thought but I don't think it's worth worrying about, they're only very small.

 

[Blah11]

Also, I'm pretty sure there was an incident like this when I was very young to with the 2 children who lived next door in their shed I remember playing doctors and you can guess the rest. It was innocent and I can only vaguely remember and I'm defo not scarred for life! I'm sure it's happened to a lot of people as children.

 

[Szaffi]

I think it's pretty normal. I remember playing these sort of games with other kids in the 4-7 years period. I think it's important you don't over-dramatize it. It's ok to teach your daughter about the non-appropriateness of letting other people touch her in her private parts, but 'demonizing' the whole issue could create more problems.

I think it's important to be open and explain kids about these things at an early stage, trying to keep the info on 'their level'. I remember my parents first explain 'sex' to me when my mum was pregnant with my little brother (I was 4 at the time). They bought an illustrated books made for children, but with fairly accurate scientific info (and not too explicit illustration about the sex part), and I've never felt threatened or scarred by it. That type of openness demystified the whole issue.

 

[special_kala]

Also, I'm pretty sure there was an incident like this when I was very young to with the 2 children who lived next door in their shed I remember playing doctors and you can guess the rest. It was innocent and I can only vaguely remember and I'm defo not scarred for life! I'm sure it's happened to a lot of people as children.

I have a vague memory of something similar.

Its a hard situation as you say you know your daughter wouldnt make it up but im sure your sister knows that her son wouldnt do it if that makes any sense?

Its more then likely your nephew saw something similar on TV and didnt even realise it wasnt ok to do.

Sometimes sexual behavior like that can be a sign of something sinister going on in his life. Its unlikely your daughter will even remember it but i would keep a eye on your nephews behavior incase there is something dodgy going on.

 

[amie-leigh]

it sounds like childhood curiosity but maybe explain to your nephew and daughter that its not a nice way to play

 

[nikkip75]

I remember years ago catching my daughter who was about 5 at the time and my cousins son who was 4 getting up to something once!

They were playing in her bedroom and I found my daughter lying on the bed and my little cousin kissing her on the mouth (mouth closed with a pout but he was moving his head side to side iykwim) I asked what was going on and the 2 of them near jumped out of their skin! They looked so suspicious! They said they where playing sleeping beauty. what could I say to that????

I also remember playing a game in infant school called catch the boys kiss the boys. We would catch them take them round the back of the mobile class room and give them a kiss!!

I would put it down to curiosity but ask your sister to explain the boundaries where things like this are concerned.

 

[sparkle_1979]

I know its not nice hun but agree with the other that it probably is just a child curiosity thing. Im sure she will have forgot in a day or two x

 

[sparkle_1979]

also I'd be telling her that her body is hers and that she must not let anyone touch it obviously without making her think she did a bad thing but that coming to you and telling you was very good x

 

[minkie]

Ty for all your responses/stories/advice etc ladies, please keep them coming it is comforting to hear other stories and words of wisdom on the topic. I spoke with my sister she talked to her son and she said he was very embarrassed and she had him tell her what happened and he basically said the same thing my daughter did but he couldn't explain why he did it, he said he just thought of it, and she asked if he was curious? and he said yes. So she had a long talk with him about the whole privacy issue and all. She was thinking he might have felt more comfortable doing that to her because he knows her well as opposed to doing that to some kid he doesn't know if that makes sense? In any event she said she could have him call scarlett and apologize but I don't think that is the best thing to do, that will just put more attention on it and make it a bigger deal, so I said no lets just drop it in front of them. What do you guys think?

 

[smelly07]

I'm sorry, i do not find this normal behaviour for a 5 year old.....

quote: 'he was in the bathroom and had his pants down and then pulled down her pants and underwear and "rubbed" her butt and touched her private parts'

playing kiss chase is one thing but bloody hell....you have to be very careful when distingushing between age appropriate and age inappropriate sexual behaviour and the above to me at that age is inappropriate......if that happened to my daughter i wouldnt be a happy bunny x

 

[Becyboo__x]

I agree with the smelly07..

i understand where others are coming from but if that happened to my child i wouldnt be happy about it at all.. even being a family member maybe he didnt mean anything by it and hes just a kid but what if another kid does this at school to her if anyone does it she just needs to know to go tell someone or tell them not to do it .. playing is like when kiddies hold hands or chase each other or the silly things they do not pulling someones trousers down id be mortified! i know my boy will never do this to anyone but i know little boys like to run around naked with there bits out iv never heard of a kid to do what you said though

 

[Szaffi]

Ty for all your responses/stories/advice etc ladies, please keep them coming it is comforting to hear other stories and words of wisdom on the topic. I spoke with my sister she talked to her son and she said he was very embarrassed and she had him tell her what happened and he basically said the same thing my daughter did but he couldn't explain why he did it, he said he just thought of it, and she asked if he was curious? and he said yes. So she had a long talk with him about the whole privacy issue and all. She was thinking he might have felt more comfortable doing that to her because he knows her well as opposed to doing that to some kid he doesn't know if that makes sense? In any event she said she could have him call scarlett and apologize but I don't think that is the best thing to do, that will just put more attention on it and make it a bigger deal, so I said no lets just drop it in front of them. What do you guys think?

I think your sister did the right thing and hope that you've explained to your daughter everything she wanted to know. I think it's best to drop it for now and maybe keep an eye out if he tries to do something similar again.

 

[AppleBlossom]

It's not nice to think that happened to your LO but I agree it was probably just childish innocence. However I would speak to your sister about it

 

[midori1999]

I'm sorry, i do not find this normal behaviour for a 5 year old.....

quote: 'he was in the bathroom and had his pants down and then pulled down her pants and underwear and "rubbed" her butt and touched her private parts'

playing kiss chase is one thing but bloody hell....you have to be very careful when distingushing between age appropriate and age inappropriate sexual behaviour and the above to me at that age is inappropriate......if that happened to my daughter i wouldnt be a happy bunny x

It isn't sexual behaviour though. It is coming from a young child who has no idea about sex or sexual behaviour and isn't old enough to find girls sexually attractive yet, let alone their 'bits'.

Just like boys get erections and they aren't having sexual thoughts or like boys maturbate simply because it feels nice, none of it is sexual and saying it is in just putting our own feelings and inhibitions on innocent children.

Of course, they need to learn it's not appropriate, but until someone tells them that, how are they supposed to know?

 

[midori1999]

Ty for all your responses/stories/advice etc ladies, please keep them coming it is comforting to hear other stories and words of wisdom on the topic. I spoke with my sister she talked to her son and she said he was very embarrassed and she had him tell her what happened and he basically said the same thing my daughter did but he couldn't explain why he did it, he said he just thought of it, and she asked if he was curious? and he said yes. So she had a long talk with him about the whole privacy issue and all. She was thinking he might have felt more comfortable doing that to her because he knows her well as opposed to doing that to some kid he doesn't know if that makes sense? In any event she said she could have him call scarlett and apologize but I don't think that is the best thing to do, that will just put more attention on it and make it a bigger deal, so I said no lets just drop it in front of them. What do you guys think?

I think you've both dealt with it very well. I think it;s right to drop it, but maybe just make sure your daughter knows no one should touch her private parts?