Single mum2be and need advice

[Becyboo__x]

Well im going to be a single mum.. i just wanted to know how i would cope and have some advice off people really im feeling really low about things and i was going to fill housing forms out and see if i could get a council house but iv heard it takes a long time.. this is the fact my dad is now strugglin as a single parent with morgage at home and bills etc so if the house dont sell its just going to stress me out more and i dont need it with a newborn but aswel im scared of living on my own with a newborn as iv never lived on my own before and im going to be a new mum i feel like everything has just gone upside down recently my boyfriend left me 14weeks pregnant and we was going to get engaged and get a place together and everything and suddenly left me and got with a new girl not long after and he also dont believe the babys even his so he wants a dna when hes born so more hassle and he wont obviously pay towards all the baby stuff im needing to get cause he dont think babys his but there no reason he souldnt believe exsept for rumors and stupid immature people that didnt want me and him together looks like they got there wish huh
Im just dont know how im going to get everything i need for my baby as im cutt down on half the money now as hes left me and we was paying for things together at the time .. i get 200 pound a month at the moment and i get the 190 pound grant at 25weeks and then 500 pound grant at 29 weeks this may sound alot but i just seem to get my money and buy things i need for the baby .. and then its all gone straight away and im not even buying like top notch expensive things basically iv been bargin hunting but i havent even thought of how im going to afford to buy the big stuff .. i feel such a bad mum to be iv always wanted a family and i never expected this to happen to me i just want whats best for my baby and now i think he would be best if i never decided to have him (no one take that wrong please) he deserves a better life then a mum struggling in life im just a huge mess
I have got my mum whos helping me out but shes getting married in november so shes got that to pay for + she loses her job next month and i cant rely on her as she wont be here forever and my dad is just struggling as i said he lost his job start of year and only recently got a new one thats half the pay and my mum left him 2years ago with debts and a morgage! so he cant help me exsept keep a shelter over my head.

feel free to message me any advice would help me alot
and sorry about the massive essay just needed to say it all and see if anyone had anything they could help me with or just give me advice
x​

 

[purpledahlia]

Its tough. I would worry you might find it hard if you have never ever lived alone before to then go and do it with a baby, but its perfectly do-able and you will probably surprise yourself. If i were you i would make a list, break things down into chunks.

Housing, Can you stay at your dads with the baby? Or has he said you have to move out? I would apply for housing anyway.. get on the list for your area.. if your dad said you cant stay then you should be ok getting somewhere it will just be a bit stressfull as it might happen when baby arrives. but im sure your dad can help you move?
Go to your local CAB and ask them if they have scheme's to help single people, some county's do and help furnish your flat etc.
If not and you have to move but cant get a council flat you can get a private one and housing benefit and council tax benefit will cover the rent etc. IF its within the budget your area will allow.

Regarding the FOB i'd not think about him just now, if he has left you and isnt interested then i would ignore and prepare to be a mum without him. Do as much as you can.

Do you have a job? Will your mum buy you a pram maybe? dad a cot? then with the grants you could get all the rest?

 

[Becyboo__x]

Thing is with FOB he was on and off with me and then he suddenly just ended it cuz he said it wasnt working .. i cant believe it tbh leaving me 14weeks pregnant and getitng a new girlfriend straight away tore me apart.. and he hasnt had anything to do with me since after my 12week scan but he keeps messaging me after telling me to 'drop dead' and that he didnt want anything to do with the baby asking me if im alright and if baby is and all that which confuses me .. so he must be bothered as hes told people that hes gutted about stuff :S which im again confused about hes messing with me head and i dont need it i just want him to leave me alone .. but he will come on the birth i think and just stress me out even more And my mum will help me more then my dad cause she has her fiance to help aswel as he has been with bits.. but my mum put my deposit down for my pushchair but i have to pay the rest which will be ok as i can pay it whenever i want and how much i want .. my dad cant buy me anything as hes struggling to even keep us in our house i wouldnt want my dad homeless i know i wouldnt be as if i was homeless i would get a council house or something being pregnant .. i cant stay at my mums cause she lives in an apartment and only 2 people are allowed to live there even though i have a room there only allowed to stay 2weeks max and no babies are allowed to live there.. but im living with my dad now obviously and if our house sells then i still will where ever we move to but he can only provide me with food and shelter itll be a struggle when babys born even more but thats to think abut nearer the time. I havent got a job .. im on JSA so im looking for one still but im not going to get employed really cause my date of confinment is 1st november so im stuck .. the 500 pound will help me with cot and some more stuff i think but i just see things that are on sale now and i know they wont be in november/december so ill miss out and i dont want to be doing that but i spose thats a risk to take.

 

[purpledahlia]

sorry, im not really understanding the story and your situation.

you live with your dad? but you have to leave? but youve not applied for a council house?

your mum paid your deposit thats fine and you'll pat it iff?

your on JSA.... as am i atm.... but your not paying rent or buying food just now are you? so same situ as me.

Fob messing you around.. why do you let him contact you ?? i would cut all ties if hes got a new gf and being a prick...

 

[Becyboo__x]

I live with my dad.. and i dont have to leave i dont plan to leave i would only plan on it if i had to to make it easier for my dad but i dont think it would make a different really .. i was going to apply for housing to basically have my own independance as i have to some time in my life and i cant rely on my dad all the time i spose. I have to pay for the pushchair in bits til january when i should have paid it off and it then will be mine at home.. but my mum paid the first payment for me. I dont pay rent or buy food my dad does all that. FOB just says different things one minute hes happy with me next he dont want me then he gets a new girlfriend and then he gets all nasty to me and since 16weeks hes been trying to be nice to me asking if im ok and baby is and all that stuff and 20 weeks he asked me what im having and he got all excited about it :S dont see why as he ruined my life for a start and hurt me and he told me he didnt want contact or anything but now he suddenly does and he said hed take me to court silly boy.. funniest thing is he doesnt believe its his but deep down he knows it is hes just being a prick! i havent got him on anything facebook or MSN thats all i use but he messages me on facebook as people stil can if there not on your friend list which is abit stupid but i could block him but i dont see the point cause i dont fancy going to court about the baby after cause he will want contact and i thought it would be better to do it not through court as its all the hassle and stress "/ but i dont really know much about it all .. i dont agree he should have anything to do with the baby after how hes treated me while iv been pregnant and everything but i dont think ill have a choice in that.

 

[Perdita]

When you see your midwife explain the situation, she can refer you to someone like a hospital based social worker who knows the system and can help you sort out all the benefits and applications. Go to the local citizens advice centre and they will give you pointers towards support groups and charities that can help you out. I've bought a cot and mattress new but apart from some of the clothes and a car seat everything else is second hand from friends or e-bay - I got a changing unit for a tenner including postage. You can get something good quality that will last for a lot less than the new stuff that's cheaper. You're in a good position just now and if you get the benefits sorted including housing benefit as I suspect your dad may be able to legitimatley charge you rent you can help him out as well as sort yourself out. I understand the desire to be independant but you're going to have a baby and this is not the time to go it alone - you need family support and if they are willing to offer it you're better off taking it! Talk to the midwife, get some advice and apply for every benefit going, come to a rent arrangement with your dad and apply for housing benefit, if you can get family help you are more likely to be able to go to work earlier and that will benefit the whole household. As for the father, well, sod him, if he steps up to the mark fine but otherwise forget him and just get on with it. Sorry if that sounds harsh!
Good luck.

 

[purpledahlia]

the only benefit you can get at the moment is JSA and 11 weeks before the baby comes it will change to income support. Once the baby is here you will get income support, child tax credits and child benefit. same as me, it comes to 130 a week. IF you apply to CSA you can maybe get an extra 20 a week but it takes a few months to sort out. sometimes longer, but its all backdated so you might get a nice lump sum when the baby is about 7months or so.

You cant just apply for housing benefit and give it to your dad unfortunately, otherwise i would be doing this. Housing benefit will only cover legitimate properties that are actually on the market and being advertised, the council will see your just living with your dad. And as its family and the room was not being rented anyway then it wont work. It will cover it when you eventually move out tho.

The only other thing you can get just now is the healthy start money towards fruit and veg and milk. Its 3 quid a week just now and 6 when baby is here. Ive just applied for these and ill just give my mum the 12 pound months vouchers when they come thru each month and she can use them towards the fruit veg and milk for us. Thats a contribution towards the house. I also tidy and clean up pretty much everyday and cook meals so mum can come in from work and not have to think about it.

Regarding the FOB, id block him.

 

[Becyboo__x]

I get the fruit,milk,veg vouchers i have from the start and most things my midwife sorted out for me like what benefits i could get .. and i also went to citizen advice couple months ago and they were usuless to be honest just told me things i already knew. I think its the only thing i can do at the moment with the things im on as i cant get a job or anything. I wasnt going to apply for housing and give it my dad im confused about that bit but i think i understand what you mean if he said i couldnt live there anymore or he kicked me out then i would get housing quicker but he wouldnt do that as he would never kick me out pregnant or not. But on my JSA i think im ment to give my dad 20 pound every 2 week i think or something but my dad told me he doesnt want it because i need it more then him with the baby and everything but once im sorted i will start paying him because im one of them people who rather give then take i spose. And with FOB i am leavin him to it but i can see him coming back at birth because he wants the DNA done and in my opinion he isnt going near the baby til he gets the results just because hes denied it all this time and put me through hell and itll come back saying he is the father so he can appologise alot to me after he gets it on paper like he wanted! hell only want something to do with the baby when babys here he doesnt when babys inside of me! just makes me feel sick and angry.

 

[purpledahlia]

what we mean is tho you should just ignore him just now, block him so he cant harrass you. let him get in touch once the baby is here to get DNA test done but for now if hes upsetting you cut ALL ties with him.

you cant just apply for housing benefit and give it to your dad. It doesnt work like that. It has to be non-family member legit private renting. The council would never hand over a few hundred quid to you for you to give your dad. Otherwise all the rest of us would be doing this. I think if your helping with the running of the household and contributing with the fruit and veg vouchers and your dad wants no rent then you should be fine.

you get 50 a week, So try and save 25 a week and put it on baby things, or every 2 ( ive made a mothercare wishlist and it has 70 things on it - basically all i need, and when i have spare cash i will go on and get one or two things, the prices vary from 2 pounds to 80. And when people ask me what they can get for us i let them choose from the wishlist as everything on it is needed and usefull. ) If your not buying food or paying bills or rent etc you should be ok. Its hard im just starting to budget on that amount from working full time but u just gotta be carefull.

 

[Becyboo__x]

I didnt say anything about handing housing to my dad :S .. my dad would go somewhere and rent a house not a council house or anything to do with the council or housing benefits... as when our house sells he will be looking to rent a house anyway.. and if i cant live there with him i will have to go on the housing list as i will then be homeless but thats if worse got to worse and i couldnt live with my dad... Wel no one has said to me there buying things for me i dont exsept people to really and i cant ask them to as id feel cheeky theres a couple of my friends that said they want to but theyve said there getting me clothes not like the other stuff,, basically i lost alot of my friends when i fel pregnant because they got on with it and just went diff way to me which isnt good and i only really have my mum who can help me out now and again but i dont even live close to her so its hard .. but as iv said ill have to manage somehow for now and see what happens.

 

[purpledahlia]

Perdita suggested applying for housing benefit money because your dad can charge you rent so the money would of been going to your dad, and you said you didnt understand it. I was explaining that it cant be done. you didnt say no all you said was you dont understand it.

I wasnt suggesting you ask people to buy you things, your only 21 weeks, people might ask you what they can get for you a bit later on.. people have just started to ask me and im 26weeks. Im not going to tell anybody to get specific things but everything on the list is needed and usefull and large price range so they can spend what they want. Nobody will be buying anything anytime soon but its an idea. Not only for that but because it can keep you up to date with what you need and what you have. An online shop list is generally helpfull to have esp if your buying yourself.

IMO you should get on the housing lsit if you can now. It can take ages and ages so might aswell start the waiting list now so you get a head start.

 

[Perdita]

you can have a rental agreement with family, though I might be thinking of parents signing over ownership of property to children so the rules will probably be different plus these things change.
If you and your dad rent a property together then the housing benefit situation changes but you would both need to be on the lease I suspect. It would seem you are in a luckier position than many, your dad is totally supporting you and you've got a small benefit income. Get yourself on the housing list now and keep them updated on your situation as your position on the list will change with your circumstances. Only buy what you need, make a list of basics and if people ask what you would like maybe point them in the direction of some of the less basic things you would like! If you end up homeless because of a house sale then the council will house you though it could be in temporary B&B accomodation first.

 

[lou_w34]

You will be ok

Living on your own is hard, and with a new baby it will be even harder, but it will work out ok. Try not to worry about money too much at the moment, as your on job seekers, and getting the sure start grant and HIP grant you should be able to afford all the things you will need for the baby, just make sure you get the things you need, rather than the things you want lol

As for the FOB he sounds a bit like my ex, who also has found himself a new gf who has a baby of her own... If he's being a dickhead, just tell him your going to change your number if he doesnt leave you alone, its what i did with my ex, and it worked for a while and gave me a bit of space to think. Basically theres not much you can do, apart from cut him off completley, which is hard, as you dont want to come off as pushing him out, but if he's being that much of a pain just do it and tell him to contact you through your dad, as i doubt he'd ever do that haha

Try not to stress to much a lot easier than it sounds i know

 

[purpledahlia]

Yeah you can rent from your parents if its a seperate private property and its been advertised for tenants for x amount of time and you are the person on the lease etc... ( i know because my parents are selling old house and we looked into it, but the house is no good for me really,) But if your actually under the same roof as them then you cant apply for it, so it varies. If your renting a new flat WITH your dad.. you might be able to but it would only cover your room... im not sure on the details of that one tho. CAB will know.

I definately wouldnt wait untilll your dad moves and you have to get a council house because even with a baby or pregnancy it takes ages. And if you only apply then - you could well be put somewhere not very nice. If your on the list now you might get the 2nd to bottom band.. but once he moves you will get bumped up and will have already been on the list at least a few months.