So Discouraged

[Manda1292]

My husband and I have been TTC for almost a year now.

Things are a bit complicated as I have struggled with anorexia since I was 21 (now 30); however, I have gotten to a point of stability and have the OK from the medical providers to TTC - I have been getting my period for a number of years regularly.

I have been testing fertility levels monthly to ensure we are trying around the highest levels of fertility. I have been taking prenatals since we started TTC as well as a fertility herbal supplement approved by the OBGYN.

All I have ever wanted in life was to be a mom and each month showing a negative test is destroying my heart. Starting in March, my period became irregular - so of course, when I was "late" I started to get my hopes up. 60 days later, I got my period.

This month, I missed again. Took a test. Negative. Then stated to lightly spot and had all of the signs of implantation. Right pelvic pain, gas, constipation, light brown spotting, fatigue. Again, hopes were high.

Went to the Dr. today, no pregnancy. Now they want to run tests starting with a ultrasound tomorrow. If the ultrasound does not show anything blaringly wrong, then we have to WAIT until June 8th to talk to the Dr. about more testing. That seems like years away!!! I don't know what more to do. It's all I can think about. I have never been worried / depressed.

To top it off, my OB - who I have always trusted as his wife battled anorexia as well and now has 3 healthy children - leaves the appointment saying to me "well you are quite thin". I get it. I know I've struggled. The knife was already in my heart, that comment just pushed it a bit further.

I feel like I am broken. My body feels broken. My faith is broken. My spirit is broken. My heart is broken.

I don't know what to do, what to think and I am terrified.

 

[mrs.green2015]

Please don't get discouraged. It's such an emotional and exhausting journey. Trust me I went through 3 or 4 gynos before I found one I love. Only to have her refer me to an infertility specialist lol
The fact that they're willing to do testing is awesome! I couldn't get any of my gynos to do that. June 8th is right around the corner and the best part is you're going to get some answers. what helped me the most is tracking everything! I didn't realize I didn't ovulate very often. It was a simple fix. Fx it's something simple for you too.

 

[Manda1292]

Thank you - even just for listening. I have a lot of guilt because even though I did not choose to battle anorexia, I couldn't beat it. I get so worried that a mental illness and my weakness could take away the one thing I have ever wanted. I am glad they are doing tests to be see if something is physically wrong with my ovaries or hormones. I just hope that if there is, that there will be options for me.

I appreciate your comment on here. I don't have an emotionally supportive mom or many close friends. Those who I have confided in keep telling me "it takes a long time, you are okay". That may be true, BUT a lot of times i just need to hear that they understand that is sucks, and it's okay to feel horrible.

When you finally had the testing done were they able to offer you some options to help? I am so lost. I never thought this would be so hard.

 

[OnErth&InHvn]

We have been TTC #4 since 2008 and no one seems to know why. It is frustrating and hard!

Maybe your dr will start slow with an SA for hubby and meds for you?

 

[mrs.green2015]

Yes testing and just talking to a specialist helped! All my tests came back mostly normal but talking to my RE he assumed I wasn't ovulating and perscribed clomid. For a bfp very first cycle, ended in chemical and just got another bfp on my second cycle.
Anorexia is so much more than people think. Don't beat yourself up over it. You'll get answers soon hun! Funny enough I have the opposite problem, overweight which I'm sure hindered my ovulation. I've been working on it but it's a struggle!

 

[Mrs. Atole]

Hi
Dont give up keep believing !!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[Manda1292]

Thank you for that mrs.green2015

 

[Manda1292]

Wow you all are fantastic. This is the first time I felt comfortable talking on a forum to people I don't know and this is wonderful.

For clarification - what does "af" and "bfp" stand for? Sorry new to this lingo!

Just had the ultrasound. I was so worked up at the office that they bumped my next appointment up from June 8 to June 1.

And yes, anorexia and any form of ED is so much more than "food" and I get that. Mine was kicked off when I was about 5 years old resurged after a trauma when I was 21. It's so hard to not feel the guilt. But I KNOW 100% that when it's no longer about me, and its about that baby, I will eat anything under the sun to keep that baby healthy and to stop the cycle of this ED.

I feel so happy to have found this forum.

 

[mrs.green2015]

So glad your appointment went well and that you got te next one moved up!

AF= aunt flow (period)
Bfp=big fat positive(positive pregnancy test)

 

[Manda1292]

Ah! Thanks for clarifying!

 

[Manda1292]

So I know everyone / every app says its important to track your temperature. Is that your regular temperature every day?

 

[mrs.green2015]

No it's your basal body temperature. Basically, you wake up at the same time every single day with at least 3 hours of sleep and without moving or getting up take your temperature immediately. You can take it orally or vaginally. If you're a mouth breather when you sleep you need to take it vaginally, it's actually more accurate that way anyway. If you look at my chart you'll see the red crosshairs. You'll get those once you ovulate since post ovulation your temperature goes up and stays up until AF or right before AF.
That was a super brief explanation but I hope it made sense. Basically it confirms ovulation had happened, as OPKs (ovulation predictor kits) tell you when it's about to happen.