so down why did this happen?

[babytots]

so today i got a call from funeral directors to say we can have jessicas service a week today and we have the reverand coming to talk over it at 4pm.

i've been trying to find some songs to play at her service and its so hard. then df and goes make things worse by being an asshole. our eldest was sat on her potty and was asking him to pass her the jigsaw pieces that she couldnt reach of course he was too engrossed in listening to music to hear her so she was saying daddy daddy daddy he turned round and snapped at her and she didnt deserve it. so of course i said something to him and came upstairs to get away from his moodiness and he has a go at me and tells me to f off.

it shouldnt be like this we shouldnt be arguing i shouldnt be sat in tears hurting even more because instead of being there for me and our girls all he can do is be moody and be angry. i'm here crying and he hasnt bothered to come and comfort me. the one person who i need the most and he isnt even there for me. of course he wont see that hes in the wrong or wont apologise for it either.

i've been so good so far as after my 2nd loss i started smoking and drinking again and this time round i've not and now all i want to do is get seriously drunk to try and get rid of the pain i am feeling.

the reverand said to us dont let jessicas birth drive a wedge between you both and i didnt think it would but as the days go on we are getting more and more distant and hes becoming more and more moody and angry and i cant cope with it. its not fair on the girls either. they are picking up on our moods and playing up really bad especially our eldest. i hate the way it affects her too.

i can no lnoger see the light at the end of this dark tunnel he is the only one who can get me through this along with my girls and hes not even trying he doesnt even care that i'm hurting.

sorry for the ramble just needed to let off steam. x

 

[hayley x]

Im really sorry to hear you and your OH arent 'getting on' but you will go through stages. Every one deals with things differently and you may be at different stages? I hope this makes sense.

I found it hard to find a song for Alex's funeral we chose 'precious child by Karen Taylor-good' Its such a sweet song and everyone mentioned the song choice after the funeral.

sending you lots of xxxxxx

 

[babytots]

thanks hayley i know its just his way of dealing with things but i just want him there for support and i havent got him. the only support i have is from my friends and family and although i'm grateful i need his support more iykwim.

i've managed to pick one song out that i like and df can choose one. and i have found 3 poems i like to be read out.

i never thought i would have to do anything as hard as planning a funeral never mind my own daughters you and all the other ladies who have had to do this are so very strong and brave. x

 

[Jkelmum]

...Is there anybody that can have your girls so to give you and oh a break where u can talk ....Hayley is right we all grieve at different stages ...maybe he feels like my oh did ....when we did speak i found he was angry at himself for there being nothing he could do iykwim ? I do hope things get better and u are able to grieve together xxx

 

[babytots]

thanks serina tbh i dont want to be away from my girls they are the only ones who make me want to get out of bed each day and carry on with my life without them around to fill the silence it will make me feel worse. we have time to talk when the girls are in bed but he just doesnt want to. instead we sit in silence and watch t.v. i've wrote him an email though he hasnt read it yet. if i cant talk to him then writing my feelings down to him helps as then he has to read it and take in what i've said. usually if i talk to him it goes in one ear and out the other.

i just wish i knew how he was feeling instead of shutting me out and acting like an ass all the time! x