Some thoughts please???

[Chilli]

As some of you know, I discovered we had lost our baby last Monday, had DC on Wed and have been trying to get out of the deep sadness since. Whilst a couple of friends have been very supportive I was amazed at how one of them has been.
We've been good friends since our 2 girls were born 2 weeks apart 2 years ago and see each other a lot. She is heavily pregnant and is being told that the baby is so big she can expect it up to a month early ie anytime. She knew abot my pregnancy from early on and was one of the first I told about the MC. When I went to see her last wed pm after the DC she didn't even give me a hug, but that's not unlike her, she's not very touchy feely. Then she went away for the weekend (she lives around the corner) which I was surprised at as I thought she might stick around realising that me and my husband might need some support. I didn't hear anything from her until last night when I got a text from her to ask if I could be on standby if she needed to go in to hospital to look after her 2 year old. I didn't respond as I was a little upset that she hadn't even asked how we were. I had previously offered to have her daughter when the time came.
About an hour later she called and briskly asked how I was before launching into the events for her over the weekend as she had thought she was going into labour.Then she asked if I would be able to help, which I would like to. I told her I wasn't able to go back to work yet as I didn't feel up to it, but she didn't seem to register why and just carried on making plans. My husband is also struggling as this is the second child he has lost and he told me I should have told her no. Now I don't know what to do. I'm hurt, but also some mornings I struggle to look after my own daughter without any help and don't think I can commit to her. Tommorow we are burying our boy and I don't want to think about anything els for now. What should I do? She doesn't really have anyone else in the area like family to ask, but there are a couple of other friends she could

 

[Peach Blossom]

As some of you know, I discovered we had lost our baby last Monday, had DC on Wed and have been trying to get out of the deep sadness since. Whilst a couple of friends have been very supportive I was amazed at how one of them has been.
We've been good friends since our 2 girls were born 2 weeks apart 2 years ago and see each other a lot. She is heavily pregnant and is being told that the baby is so big she can expect it up to a month early ie anytime. She knew abot my pregnancy from early on and was one of the first I told about the MC. When I went to see her last wed pm after the DC she didn't even give me a hug, but that's not unlike her, she's not very touchy feely. Then she went away for the weekend (she lives around the corner) which I was surprised at as I thought she might stick around realising that me and my husband might need some support. I didn't hear anything from her until last night when I got a text from her to ask if I could be on standby if she needed to go in to hospital to look after her 2 year old. I didn't respond as I was a little upset that she hadn't even asked how we were. I had previously offered to have her daughter when the time came.
About an hour later she called and briskly asked how I was before launching into the events for her over the weekend as she had thought she was going into labour.Then she asked if I would be able to help, which I would like to. I told her I wasn't able to go back to work yet as I didn't feel up to it, but she didn't seem to register why and just carried on making plans. My husband is also struggling as this is the second child he has lost and he told me I should have told her no. Now I don't know what to do. I'm hurt, but also some mornings I struggle to look after my own daughter without any help and don't think I can commit to her. Tommorow we are burying our boy and I don't want to think about anything els for now. What should I do? She doesn't really have anyone else in the area like family to ask, but there are a couple of other friends she could

Do what you feel you can. You are the priority right now

 

[toby2]

could you stick a note through her door explaining that you want to help but that you are really struggling and could she maybe have another friend on standby incase you arnt up to it?you are being a very understanding friend to tolerate her HUGE selfishness in the way you are,what a lovely person you must be!

 

[Schmelly]

That's a tricky one. I guess your friend is very preoccupied by her impending arrival and is obviously having trouble opening her eyes to what's going on around her. I doubt she is doing it because she doesn't care, it just sounds like she is being very thoughtless.

You need to be honest in my opinion. Don't sacrifice yourself. Tell her you're struggling coping with your own daughter on top of everything that's happened. She had no worries about going away and not being there at your hour of need, so you mustn't feel guilty if you are unable to be there when she needs you. I'm sure that, in spite of everything, you would still look after her little girl if you could. But if you are too unwell (physically or emotionally) then you have to take care of yourself.

She will find someone else to help her out. Concentrate on getting yourself better hun

 

[MrsO29]

I agree with Schmelly.

I doubt she is being insensitive on purpose. Just very preoccupied with her own situation.

When I had a mmc at 12 weeks, I think a lot of people don't understand how it feels to be 3 months pg one day and then nothing the next.
It takes a while to get over.

I wouldn't put yourself out to help her though. She will just have to find someone else. You need to focus on yourself at the moment.

 

[rachjim98]

I agree with what has been said here. I think you should tell her you are struggling to even get up and take care of your own at the moment. She isn't doing it on purpose I don't believe. Maybe if you just lay it all out there she will get a grip and find someone else. Or maybe it is the fact that she only trust you with her child. Which is a great complement to you and your mothering skills just not the right time.
Take care of yourself. So sorry you are going through this and no parent should ever have to bury a child. My thoughts are with you

 

[Chilli]

Thanks everybody for your thoughts. After taking myself out for the day and nearly having a fight with a very silly woman who was complaining about my parking, then hit my car, then ended up hugging me while I broke down again! I think I feel less mean about saying no and more justified.

 

[Schmelly]

Big

Good luck with speaking to your friend. I think you have made the right decision.

 

[Chilli]

Well I sent a long text about how I didn't feel that she realised how difficult it had been for me to bury my own child and how I was struggling with it all. She responded that she didn't want o add any more pressure so not to worry, but still seemed to miss the plea for help I had sent her. Thanks God I've got you guys!!! Had ceremony today that was made almost comic by Mr Bean style vicar. Now feeling absolutely exhausted, fit for nothing! But not quite so down.

 

[bklove]

I'm glad you spoke up to her, and atleast she understood enough to give you a break. It does sound like shes got alot on her plate and is oblivious. In the mean time you've got to take care of whats on yours. Rely on your OH and others who can be available to support you, like the b&b'rs We are here and welcome you at any time. Please be good to yourself.

 

[Schmelly]

Glad you've got some breathing space now and don't need to worry about looking after your friend's LO.

Take care of yourself and I hope that you start to feel a bit better now that you've had the ceremony.