Starting another year without her :(

[Vickieh1981]

You know those days that slap you in the face? That's what happened last night. As the chimes rang in 2012 I started crying. It came from nowhere so I didn't expect it.

I can no longer say that I held her last year. NOw it's 2 years ago. She is going further away from me. I miss her and it doesn't seem right celebrating things without her like she didnt' count.

How was everyone elses new year? xxx

 

[mhazzab]

I'm so sorry Vickie

I think that's part of whats been bothering me too. It's now 'last year' when my babies died. I know it's only a day more than yesterday but seems like a lifetime more. I think the new year is kind of a psychological thing.

I miss my babies too, it feels like nobody really understands. My MIL was p*ssed off at us today for not sending her a happy new year message last night. Excuse me but we spent the night crying and went to bed at 10pm, we weren't exactly in the mood for celebrating.

It hurts when it feels like our angels are getting further away from us, we just have to keep them alive in our hearts and of course by talking about them to each other.

Xxxxx

 

[Vickieh1981]

Its silly isn't it because that one day shouldn't make any difference but it really does. It's just one more reminder of what you are missing out on.

How about just telling your MIL that she didn't get the message because it wasn't a fucking happy new year. It's just so hard to feel like the memories are slipping away. I remember Isabella how she looks in the photos now. I don't remember what it felt like to hold her, what I felt like. It feels like it happened to someone else and although I don't want to feel that intense pain from the early days I don't want to feel like a bystander either.

Huge floaty kisses to our girls. Eve Megan Isabella

 

[Nikki_d72]

I'm Sorry Vickie, I know it's only a day but it symbolises so much. It's also a time where we naturally review the year that was and our lives in general so it can bring up lots of emotion.

I've felt a massive weight on my heart since yesterday and I think it must be the new year passing. I though I might feel some relief that the terrible year was over but I feel worse today. I think it must be that we are moving further away from when our babies lived.

Try not to worry that you don't remember the feeling of holding Isabella, you probably do, it's just deep in your subconscious now. I think our brains file things away to let us cope with day-to-day life, but it's still in there, it will probably come to you in dreams. I know it's frustrating to not be able to recall it when you want to though. I was at a medium a while ago and he told me that time has no meaning in spirit, so although we feel that we are moving further away from our angels, this is only in the physical world, to our angels it is not the case. I don't know what your beliefs are regarding that sort of thing but I hope that that can maybe bring you some comfort.


xxx

 

[Vickieh1981]

I think you are right. Time is nothing in heaven. Our babies will just be happy to see us and it'll seem no time at all. For us it's a long road.

 

[Andypanda6570]

I am so sorry and I feel the same way as you This pain just never goes away, it has eased a bit . I wish we all didn't have to go through this, I wish our lives never encountered this tragedy and terrible pain I am so sorry and I hope 2012 is gentle on all of us. Thinking of you.XOOXXO

 

[collie_crazy]

I feel exactly the same. Its 'only' one day but it does make a huge difference. As Nikki said I think it has something to do with the thought that the 1st of January brings with it a fresh start, a whole new year, a time to put the past year behind you and look forward. But for us, after our loss its so hard to look forward when really all we want to do is go back, to when everything was ok, to change the past, but not even that just to be with our babies again. Its so hard and it doesnt ever seem to get any easier - you just start dreading the next milestone, for me it will be the end of the month when it will be 6 whole months since we lost Emily, a half of a year - how did that happen? Where did the time go? She has been gone longer than she was here

Mhairi I'm really sorry about your MIL. I did send my mum a text but didnt call her like I usually do, I turned my phone off but I only got a few 'happy new year texts' the next day which I was glad about. I think my post on facebook about wanting to do a samoa and skip that night and the next day did the trick and people knew to take me out of their bulk text messages as I was NOT in the mood! I've only just realised after reading your post that we havent actually wished OHs parents a happy new year - they have emailed us since asking how we are - so I think they are well aware of how we were feeling that night. They even said they got a bit upset when the bells struck.

I really and truly hope 2012 brings us all some luck and happiness - heaven knows we all deserve it so much!