Step parents

[HeatherLTBee]

I don't see a place for step parents to talk. I am a step mother to a 6 year old girl and expecting my first child in September. I'm just curious to meet other step parents and see how they go about helping raising their stepchildren. When someone calls them your son/daughter, do you correct them? And what about discipline? I would NEVER hit my stepdaughter, but I don't know that I can earn the same level of respect as her mother when it comes to right and wrong. Also... I'm curious to know what she tells her mother about me, because she tells me stuff about her mother that blows me away!

Anyway, just looking for other step parents out there.

 

[DJJ]

Hi im a step mum to a 13 year old boy and a 7 year old girl.my LO is 7 months old.its a challenging life but i love it.i play it by ear as to whether ire not correct people.some times its best.they both have a great bond with their half brother.for discipline i send to bed or something like that.i feel that if im given the responsibility to care for them then there should be consequences uf they don't listen.I've been married for3 years abduction our relationship as a family gets stronger all the time.
You can Pm me if you need.

 

[seoj]

I've been a full time step-mom to my daughter since she was 9yrs. She see's her bio-mom (but only a couple times a month maybe). Long story there...

Personally, because I'm one of her primary parents, I am her Mom. She doesn't call me Mom- she has a nickname for me (which I do like because I don't necessarily want to be associate with her bio mom at all)- I wish that was different, but its the situation I came into. Lucky for me, I adore my SD and she will always be my first kid. She has taught me SO much- loads of patients for sure too! It did take a while for me to really feel like I knew where my fit was- as far as dicipline, I started off letting her Dad care care of it- but lots of talks with my hubby to know we are on the same page and just slowly started with my SD and now, it's like second nature and I treat her exactly as i would my own bio kid. But her Dad and I always back eachother up and support and trust the other one too- and if we do disagree, we always talk about it away from SD and figure it out first.

Being a step-parent is honestly the hardest job I've ever had! It has been a wonderful experience in so many ways- but for sure there were struggles, especially early on. For us all. As it was a new situation for us all. But we just keep a very open line of comminication- stay consistent- and support and love one another. So it works great!

If you ever have questions, feel free to get in touch You'll find your place and figure it all out in time- it can be a bumpy road, but one well worth it.

 

[HeatherLTBee]

Thanks so much for your reply. Do you think you love your sd as much as your other child?? One of my biggest fears is not loving them equal...

 

[seoj]

Thanks so much for your reply. Do you think you love your sd as much as your other child?? One of my biggest fears is not loving them equal...

Honestly, that's a tough question- because I can't imagine loving anyone else the way I love my LO- it's just a different kind of love, different than the love I have for my step-daughter OR my hubby actually. And I mean that in the best way- as I'm just connected to my LO different. I had to grow to trust my hubby completely and fall in love with him as I got to knew him- even though I trusted my Step-daughter (and she was always very loving with me) I still had to learn who she was- as there was this huge chunk of her life I wasn't around for. Which made me sad tbh. That is partly why I wanted a LO of my own- cause I wanted to experience being a mom from scratch- I absolutely ADORE and love my SD like she's my own- but yea. It is a different kind of love... if that makes sense. I don't think there is anything wrong with it (although it's kinda tough to admit)- long as you treat them all with love and support, that is the most important thing.

Truth be told- I don't think you'd even love two of your bio kids exactly the same way- that doesn't mean you love one "more" or "less"- but all kids are different. So the type of love we feel may be too. Although I wouldn't know personally- just from what I've seen and heard from close friends. Plus, I know my Mom loved me and my brother equally- but she connected with us in different ways. More with me in some and more with my brother in some. Hope that helps- lol. Kinda just thinking "outloud" now...

 

[DJJ]

Thanks so much for your reply. Do you think you love your sd as much as your other child?? One of my biggest fears is not loving them equal...

Honestly, that's a tough question- because I can't imagine loving
anyone else the way I love my LO- it's just a different kind of love, different than the love I have for my step-daughter OR my hubby actually. And I mean that in the best way- as I'm just connected to my LO different. I had to grow to trust my hubby completely and fall in love with him as I got to knew him- even though I trusted my Step-daughter (and she was always very loving with me) I still had to learn who she was- as there was this huge chunk of her life I wasn't around for. Which made me sad tbh. That is partly why I wanted a LO of my own- cause I wanted to experience being a mom from scratch- I absolutely ADORE and love my SD like she's my own- but yea. It is a different kind of love... if that makes sense. I don't think there is anything wrong with it (although it's kinda tough to admit)- long as you treat them all with love and support, that is the most important thing.

Truth be told- I don't think you'd even love two of your bio kids exactly the same way- that doesn't mean you love one "more" or "less"- but all kids are different. So the type of love we feel may be too. Although I wouldn't know personally- just from what I've seen and heard from close friends. Plus, I know my Mom loved me and my brother equally- but she connected with us in different ways. More with me in some and more with my brother in some. Hope that helps- lol. Kinda just thinking "outloud" now...

you've put that so perfectly i can't really add anything.i agree totally with you.

 

[Bellatrix14]

Hi I'm a step mum to a 13 year old girl. She comes over every Saturday and for a few weeks during holidays. I do tell her off if she does something I don't agree with but I don't stop her form doing things because of it if you get what I mean. Like don't stop her going to a friends if she's done something. She doesn't tend to tell me things that her mums done or anything but she does talk about her family at home in general. I've known her as a step mum for 9 years now so we generally do get along well.

 

[ZoeyKaspian]

I don't see a place for step parents to talk. I am a step mother to a 6 year old girl and expecting my first child in September. I'm just curious to meet other step parents and see how they go about helping raising their stepchildren. When someone calls them your son/daughter, do you correct them? And what about discipline? I would NEVER hit my stepdaughter, but I don't know that I can earn the same level of respect as her mother when it comes to right and wrong. Also... I'm curious to know what she tells her mother about me, because she tells me stuff about her mother that blows me away!

Anyway, just looking for other step parents out there.

Hi. I have a 6 year old stepson. He also has a brother who has reunited with his dad a few years ago, but sees my fiance as a second father. When it comes to discipline, unless I am watching him by myself (which is very rare these days since I am pregnant) I take a very stand back approach. He always listened to me pretty well. The most I ever got out of him was a, "...but why?" and once it was explained, he understood. However, he's getting more comfortable now I think and he has told me "I don't care" and "shut up", which my fiance responded to. It was a one time thing that it even happened. His mother has told him in the past that I said I hated him and his brother, which my fiance had to tell them wasn't true (it isn't). I take his son and his son's brother outside, I go to the park with them, but I still try to take a hands off approach. He's my stepson, not my son. I never want him to think that I am trying to take the place of his mother.

As for the person who asked if I love my stepson differently, I think the answer is actually yes. Not less, but the thing is that my little one that will arrive in August is my blood, my creation. My beautiful son. He's the love between my fiance and I. Like someone else said, I wasn't around for a big chunk of his life, so honestly, I can't say that I do love him the same. He's a great little kid, but again, he's not my son.

 

[LikeFireToIce]

I am a step-parent to a 22 year old. She moved in with her father and I when she was almost 10 years old. She used to visit us on the weekends from the age of 4 up until 10, when she moved in with us permanently. Her Biological mother didn't like me because I was 16 years my husband’s junior and didn't like that I was also mothering my own daughter, when my husband and I first got involved. Kaylee didn't take well to AnaLisa or Joshua at first because she was the only child for so long. I started disciplining Kaylee just after her biological mother committed suicide. I was relatively close with Kaylee up until she turned 19. And now we aren't as close, due to…. Her own personal choices, but I never corrected her. I loved her and raised her as my own even before her mother’s death. I pretty much saw it as, if you live under my roof you abide by my rules. She was not excluded from them just because she wasn't born from me.

 

[cookette]

Hi Heather! Im a young stepmother (28) to a lovely 7 yr old girl. Ive been inher life since she was 18 months. Im very blessed that we ALL get along- bio mom, new stepdad, my husband and myself. We have her every other weekend and a few weeks in the summer and usually a week over all holidays. DH goes and has lunch with her at school at least once a week and does after school activities with her. Im not yet expecting, but shes the whole reason that changed me from not ever wanting kids to hoping to try next year.

Discipline is pretty open. We all communicate well so we all know what page she is on and how shes been doing and try to play the same. People tell me constantly she looks just like me, has my eyes, etc. I just smile and leave it alone and dont correct it unless its someone who needs to know, like friends/coworkers etc.

She tells us crazy stories about her mom too....Lord knows what she says about us!!

 

[LuluSS]

I have a 13 year old stepson. He has been in my life since he was five. It has been (and still is) extremely hard. His bio mom is up and down and one day she gets along with all of us, and then the next day she is yelling and screaming.

We have joint custody. And me and DH also have a five month old baby. This part has also been hard because my stepson has been a little jealous

I love my stepson A LOT. But like the others have said, my love for my baby is different. I tried to get pregnant for nine months, I was pregnant and carried him for nine months, he is a product of mine and DH's love. I haven't been with my stepson since he was born. And now that I am a mother, I will never replace that bond with him and his own mother. So yes, it is a different love

 

[HeatherLTBee]

I have a 13 year old stepson. He has been in my life since he was five. It has been (and still is) extremely hard. His bio mom is up and down and one day she gets along with all of us, and then the next day she is yelling and screaming.

We have joint custody. And me and DH also have a five month old baby. This part has also been hard because my stepson has been a little jealous

I love my stepson A LOT. But like the others have said, my love for my baby is different. I tried to get pregnant for nine months, I was pregnant and carried him for nine months, he is a product of mine and DH's love. I haven't been with my stepson since he was born. And now that I am a mother, I will never replace that bond with him and his own mother. So yes, it is a different love

Thank you so much for your reply. I don't know if my step daughter will get jealous... She seems like a daddys girl.. and if he is holding a baby, she may get a little uncomfortable about sharing him. We will see how it goes... She has two brothers also.. so maybe she will be okay.

Even just feeling my baby kick and seeing it on the screen.. I don't think I could ever love anyone like I love this child and it's father. I feel horrible saying that... but you know.

I will always have a special place in my heart for my step daughter and will never let her know that I feel any different about her... I will treat them equal.... as equal as I can...

It's going to be interesting! That's for sure!

 

[LuluSS]

Yeah, being a step parent is one of the hardest jobs!

Really, my stepson only gets jealous when his grandma (DH's mom) is around. He was used to being her only grandchild for 13 years and now she is all about the baby so that is what makes him jealous.

It is definitely an adjustment but you guys will figure it out!

 

[C_baby]

Hi,

I too am a stepmother! A 15 year old girl and an 18 year old boy. They both live with us full time, the eldest doesn't see his mother at all and the younger has seen her 6 times in the last year. I'm also a step grandmother! (My life is crazy haha)

It IS very challenging. But rewarding. I love them and treat them as my own kids. They also see me as a authority figure even though I am only 29 myself. (The eldest jokingly refers to me as the queen, eg "best do it to the queens standard!". Getting discipline down was the hardest part to be honest and it's something that I've just grown more comfortable with over time. I would say the majority falls on OH shoulders but I will and do tell them to do things/tell them off/leave them jobs to do etc I'm definately not the soft touch. I have been lucky though in the fact that both my children like and respect me which does make it easier.

The 15 yr old often refers to me as her parent, she'll be talking on the phone to her friends and say "let me just ask my parents" and come to me. The 18 yr old always wants me to go to parents evening ( probably more so than his dad) he wants me to be proud of him. It makes me feel very proud of the bond we've achieved

I would say my love for them is different to my LO. I love them like I love my family (mum/dad/brothers etc) which is very, very strong. However, I've never loved anyone as much as I love LO, It's a type of overwhelming love that comes from your bones. That said, I would never treat him differently they're all my kids.