Struggling to cope feel absolutely useless

[nicksi27]

Hi ladies my dd is 3 months old and I have a 4 year old ds and literally can't cope anymore. Dd has reflux and possible heart problem (have to wait 2 months for follow up which is occupying my mind 24/7). Shes not content for any amount of time, in her bouncy chair she cries after a few mins, being held she starts whinging etc etc she's just so different to how my ds was. I daren't leave the house to see friends etc because I'm worried she will cry and I'll look like a complete failure. My ds is suffering because i can't give him the attention I did before because dd is so needy. He's crying, she's crying and I just feel in a black hole and I'm so worried no one is ever going to be happy again. I feel so stupid that I'm not coping because everyone around me has coped with their kids and I feel useless. I've already been started on tablets for anxiety but until I find out about her heart I can't see anything helping. Tried counselling and it was no help. Everyday is harder than the day before.

Has anyone else ever felt like a totally useless mother and that it'll never get better? I absolutely love my kids but feel truly awful. OH thinks I'm pathetic and doesn't really help. I'm at my wits end and just can't see it getting better. When dd cries I feel the anxiety building because it's literally non stop whining. Shes on neocate for cmpa and omeprazole for her reflux and I've been told there are no other options until she's weaned.

Sorry for the depressing rant but I've literally got no one to talk to x

 

[MrsButterfly]

First off, huge hugs.

My second is younger than yours but I've found it incredibly difficult. My baby is much like your DD, cries a lot, very demanding and I'm utterly exhausted. My eldest is in school now so that has helped with feelings that I'm not giving him enough attention. I've started taking my baby to a cranial osteopath - we've had 2 appointments and it has settled him a little. Expensive but I've just wanted to try anything.

I recognise the feeling of not wanting to go anywhere in case of crying. But generally I feel better when I get out of the house and baby seems better with a change of scenery. Oh and a baby carrier has been a life saver as he's usually happy in there which allows me to get on with other stuff. I've just decided that structured baby groups aren't going to be for us for a little while....

You're doing a great job - newborns are so hard and adding in the reflux, heart concerns etc, it's even more tricky. I often daydream about how easy it must be with a straightforward chilled baby!

This too shall pass - I've had to repeat that to myself many times. Soon we'll be looking back at this stage and it'll be a distant memory.

Feel free to message me if you want to chat, these early days are relentless.

 

[cupcake.]

You are not useless or a failure!

I know newborn days with my DD were so tough and she's my first so i didn't have to worry about other children, i'm not sure how i could possibly have because my days were literally spent carrying her in my arms, walking around the apartment while she was screaming nonstop. She was very colicky, would not settle anywhere other than my arms and even there it was this huge task of swaying, rocking, shushing, covering her eyes with a cloth to take visual stimulation away. It was hard and i barely left the house because she couldn't handle it and i didn't want to be judged. I tried so much to make it better but the only thing that helped was accept that for whatever reason (been to the doctors, there was nothing physically wrong) the outside world was too much for her to take in and the only thing i could do was be there, hold her, rock her and listen. It didn't change the situation at all but i felt more in control and like i was doing the right thing. Eventually around 4 1/2 months she finally settled but it was a rough time and often i'm sad that her newborn phase is such a blur in my head and all i remember is screaming and endless walking around the house...

And obviously i only had her and no health problems to worry about so you have so much more on your plate and you just basically rock for getting through every day! I can't imagine how tough it must be but you're powering through and by the sounds of it mostly by yourself if your OH doesn't help much! So don't be so hard on yourself, you are not failing!

The anxiety and worry about your babies possible heart condition will probably not go away until she's been cleared, i'm so sorry you have to go through that and wait another 2 months before knowing more
Do you have a wrap or carrier? Maybe your DD can settle there, close to you while you have your hands free. The upright position might also help her cope with her reflux and you can do something with your DS? Do you have family or friends nearby that could take your son for a couple hours? He'll be able to play and have fun without feeling like he has to compete with his baby sister for attention. Or maybe someone could even take your DD for a walk in the wrap or carrier or pram (mine settled in her pram and usually slept most of the walk but with reflux and the pram being flat i don't know if that's an option) and give you an hour or so with your DS?

Basically, don't be so hard on yourself and don't compare yourself to other mothers. Most likely they don't always cope so perfectly either and just don't show it. It's okay to ask for help and accept when people offer to help out. I'm sorry your husband isn't any help. You should probably have a chat, it's not fair of him to watch from the sideline and say you're pathetic. He's just as much a parent and especially with the possible heart problem you need each other to draw strength from. I hope he'll start being more understanding.

again, you're doing everything right and everyone will be happy again eventually and things will get easier and settle down. And i hope they will very soon for you and please try to take care of yourself as well

 

[Literati_Love]

Oh, I just want to hug you right now! Having two kids is sOOOO hard, especially if you have a really clingy baby. For some reason, no one seems to talk about how hard it is, which gives the illusion that everyone else is coping just fine, but I guarantee you they are all struggling in some way! I also really struggled (and still do at times) with the lack of attention my first daughter gets now that I have another. Things have improved a lot, but I still feel guilty about it. She was my whole world, and now she has to give up so much of me for her sister. Not to mention that my baby doesn't get nearly as much individual attention as my first did! It's so hard, and it's hard not to beat yourself up about it, but you are NOT pathetic are useless, and you're doing an amazing job! Hang in there! This, too, shall pass!

 

[Lil mole]

I'm so sorry you're feeling like this. I found it really hard when my second dd came along too. Time does help, but I remember it feeling endless while I was in it. Dd2 is nearly 2 years old now and things have been much better since about 13 months and get better and better each day now.

I have no experience with heart problems so I can only imagine how much anxiety that adds.

Dd2 has/had multiple severe allergies and reflux. She settled quite well on a combination of lansaprozole and gaviscon. I know some babies get constipated on gaviscon so it's not always an option, have other milk thickeners been tried for your daughter? You could ask about using carobel to thicken the neocate. While ranitidine is often considered less effective than omeprazole or lansaprozole, it can work better for some people as it has a slightly different action.

I don't know if any of the above is any use to you, you may have tried it all and obviously there is a lot I don't know about your dd. This is just from my experience with dd2. It might be worth discussing some of it with your dd doctor. I always felt better when I had something else to try etc.

You are doing an amazing job in very difficult circumstances, just keep going one day at a time, one hour at a time even 10 minutes at a time

 

[noon_child]

Hi ladies my dd is 3 months old and I have a 4 year old ds and literally can't cope anymore. Dd has reflux and possible heart problem (have to wait 2 months for follow up which is occupying my mind 24/7). Shes not content for any amount of time, in her bouncy chair she cries after a few mins, being held she starts whinging etc etc she's just so different to how my ds was. I daren't leave the house to see friends etc because I'm worried she will cry and I'll look like a complete failure. My ds is suffering because i can't give him the attention I did before because dd is so needy. He's crying, she's crying and I just feel in a black hole and I'm so worried no one is ever going to be happy again. I feel so stupid that I'm not coping because everyone around me has coped with their kids and I feel useless. I've already been started on tablets for anxiety but until I find out about her heart I can't see anything helping. Tried counselling and it was no help. Everyday is harder than the day before.

Has anyone else ever felt like a totally useless mother and that it'll never get better? I absolutely love my kids but feel truly awful. OH thinks I'm pathetic and doesn't really help. I'm at my wits end and just can't see it getting better. When dd cries I feel the anxiety building because it's literally non stop whining. Shes on neocate for cmpa and omeprazole for her reflux and I've been told there are no other options until she's weaned.

Sorry for the depressing rant but I've literally got no one to talk to x

What makes you think everyone else copes with their kids? As far as I can tell, from my own experience and talking to others, the defining characteristic of those first months is very much feeling like you are NOT coping. I only have one child, partly because I have no desire to relive that first year - I felt useless, bored, stressed, lonely, exhausted and resentful. I can't imagine how hard it is with two children.

Regarding your daughters heart condition - if they thought it was anything serious you wouldn't be on a two month wait. Have they told you what they have heard/what they hope to discover with the follow up?

I have to say going out with my daughter was what saved my life. I didn't have any friends to visit but I went to lots of groups just to have a bit of adult contact. My daughter was also much LESS complaining when we were out - she loved seeing other people and other babies whereas as soon as we got back home she started crying again. Anyone else who has ever had children will not judge you for your baby crying - they might even be relieved to see another baby that is just like theirs!

I think if I knew then what I know now I'd probably relate a lot of my daughter's crying to my own stress. They are absolutely attuned to pick up on our emotions at that age - even if we think we are smiling, if actually we want to cry they will know. It might be worth trying some deep breathing exercises as some chill out time for yourself and it may help chill out baby if she is lying on you, as she'll copy your breathing patterns. It doesn't always offer instant relief but if you manage just a few minutes per day to relax your muscles and deepen your breathing, your baseline level of anxiety should fall, making everything a little bit easier to bear.

You are not the only one who feels this way. However you appear to have a complete dick of a partner - who says that to someone at their most vulnerable when they are in the middle of the hardest and most important jobs in the world? I'm so angry about his attitude!

 

[donnarobinson]

Big hugs
Baby no2 was so hard for me I cried a lot .. he cried a lot he had reflux and a cows milk allergy
I had a 2 year old and a new born it did get easier tho I can't say when but it did Day by day I always said if baby 2 had been baby 1 I wouldn't of had any more I've since went on to have another baby so it defo got easier ..
take each day as it comes
Once they can sit crawl play a bit by them self it defo gets easier
Sending you big big hugs your not a failure x

 

[Rachel320]

Hi there, just wanted to send love and hugs. Sounds like you are doing brilliantly to me. I have a 4 month old DD and she is a HANDFUL. A very high needs baby who needs to be held constantly, but that's not even enough a lot of the time. She has scared me a bit thinking about what having another baby would be like. I've always wanted 2/3 children but the last 4 months have been so unbelievably difficult, physically and emotionally, that it's hard to imagine. She wakes every 1/2 hours during the night and is awake for the day by 4am. Basically what I'm saying is...I hear you! Must be awful for you waiting for the doctor but like another poster said, they surely wouldn't put you on a long waiting list if they thought it was anything serious or if the risk was high.
Look after yourself xxx

 

[_Meep_]

Me. My second baby is nearly a month old and is nowhere near as easy as my first was. I'm breastfeeding them both and have no idea when my newborn is hungry so I just have to guess and keep offering. She also has either very bad gas or silent reflux, we're not sure yet, which makes feedings quite difficult. Therefore, I spend a lot of time trying to feed her while my 3 year old climbs around all over me, pulling my hair, asking for cuddles, asking for boob, distracting the baby etc. She's such a good girl and it's not her fault - mostly she just accepts that I can't play with her any more, but I feel so so guilty. She's also noisy and the baby doesn't sleep well anyway so it's a nightmare. I feel like I'm constantly telling her to be quiet while the baby constantly screams.

I just feel so guilty. My toddler must feel so confused and rejected. Right now it's like I've made the worst mistake ever but I do adore both my children and just have to keep telling myself that hopefully in a few months they will be the best thing for each other.

 

[adrie]

The newborn/infancy stage is really tough. I literally forgot just how tough that "4th trimester" really is, and honestly, around the 3-4mo mark with our second things are coming around and we are all finally acclimating. I too thought our second had reflux for various reasons, but suffice it to say that he sleeps and naps better now at 4mo, he feels like a different baby, and I'm no longer concerned about possible reflux

Concerning worry about the heart condition, I know what it is like to be worried about health. Our first born was very slow to gain and we found out about cystic fibrosis and various other health issues; had all the tests and I was worried sick at points. One phrase that has always helped me is to remind myself to "cross that bridge when (or if) I get there" and not before. My spouse's side also has Type1 Diabetes in the family, so there is always a possibility that could manifest in either of my kids. But at the end of the day, I would never not have had my children, no matter what. Placing all worry and fears in God's hands has also helped, as I believe that no matter what could be "wrong" with us, we are meant to be the way we are. I myself was born with a mild case of CP (cerebral palsy) for example, and I get along more than great!

I'm sure your baby will be fine and he is perfect the way he is. Please don't let your anxiety and worry rob you of all of the precious moments he will give you; I know I let myself become carried away with our daughter. Technology and medical advancements have come so far Oh, and do whatever you need to get yourself through. I'm big on survival parenting when needed.

Do you have anyone who could help when you really need it? Someone who could watch the baby even just for 2-3hours here or there? My grandma's second born had colic and she even told me that she had to get help with him at times just to keep it together. Please do whatever you have to do and keep your head up; it will get better!!

 

[bounceyboo]

a million the change from one baby to two is massive I found it very hard and was so worried I wouldn't be able to cope I kept breaking down, everyone does and if they say they don't then they r lying! its a huge change for everyone in the house my husband and I were on the bring of divorce and I didn't care either, but looking back now I know I was struggling I went back to work after 10 weeks so feel I was rushed into it because I had a new job opportunity that thankfully worked out great, and got to stay home with my kids. my boys have never had colic but my nieces have and its awful, but the end is in sight she will be weaned soon hun and her appointments coming up so she will improve wit time, as for your son hes just trying to adjust just like you are, is there anyone to watch the baby while you take him out for a treat just you and him? or do something just for him while the baby naps? as for your oh im sure he doesnt think that, would he help with the kids much?