Suddenly on my own

[trainingdoc]

Hi, I've been in WTT for ages, because my fiance and I had been waiting until next November to try.

He had a baby boy in a very short relationship 3 1/2 years ago, and I'm sure all of you who are birth mums will have something to say about it. Since he was 9 months old, I've been his son's mummy.

My fiance died 3 weeks ago, and the birth mother doesn't care so long as she keeps the child benefit money, so I'm suddenly a single mummy of a three year old, and it's terrifying, because I've always had a partner, but now it's just me. I'm busy grieving the loss of my fiance and my dreams, while trying to give our son everything we've both wanted, so I'm a little lost right now, and would appreciate some support, and advice about how to keep going when it's hard!

 

[kelly86]

so sorry for your loss

 

[purplerose]

Hey hun.

Sorry to hear of your loss. I have never been in this situation before, so I'm at a lost on what to say.

Your raising your beautiful son on your own. Perhaps talk to his birth mother as an adult and tell her that she needs to help raise her son. As it is her child too. If she doesn't go to a family court lawyer and discuss options.

 

[trainingdoc]

She's there. I guess it's just the difference between someone who sees being a mum as turning up, and those who keep working over and over at getting all the little things right. She turns up 3 times a week to pick him up from nursery, but I'm pretty sure if the state didn't pay for that nursery she wouldn't pay, because so far the state pays for her every whim, and right now, I work for very little thing, and getting our son what he needs.

 

[billy2mm]

so sorry for your loss hun.

if you are looking after the child full time then you should be recieving the cb and ctc money and she should be paying support for him too!

is there anything legal that says where the child lives and who pays what etc...?

 

[BlaireUK]

I'm so sorry for your loss. You must be absolutely devastated. I hope you have supportive family and friends around you to help you come to terms with what's happening. I can understand that you feel very alone just now.

Can I ask what, if any legal arrangements are in place for your son? Do you have parental responsibility for him? You say he sees his birth mum three times a week. I only ask because this could potentially cause problems in the future. You say she's not really that bothered about him but if she is seeing him three times a week is there a chance she may want to him back?

Sorry for all the questions but I think it's important that you sort this arrangment out. Without knowing the background, you could potentially end up in a custody battle with your fiancees ex and I really don't think you need anything like this just now. And she should not be receiving any benefits for him if he is cared for and looked after by you - these benefits are for the child not an absent parent.

 

[trainingdoc]

The whole thing is confusing.

My family are very supportive, but live about 70miles away, and also work etc, so how much they can be here is limited.

As far as I'm aware she has never had any interest in looking after him, only taking the money. I have no interest in fighting her for the money because I think she would just take him all the time to avoid losing it, and since she's the birth mum, I'd have a hard time fighting it (particularly with her on legal aid and me not)

She mainly sees him and her other kids as ways to get more money and a big free flat out the government. She's been on disability allowance for over 10 years for "agoraphobia" which it appears only hinders her ability to work, but she can still manage 2 weeks clubbing in Ibiza!

Our lawyer has said that unless she refuses to let me keep looking after him, the law in Scotland means that they won't put anything in place for me legally, and even then I'd have a fight on my hands. I'm really hoping it simply won't come to that because she likes not having to look after him all the time.