Surrogate for my sister?

[GlassSlipper]

Hi! I was just looking for some advice

I'm eighteen and my older sister (33) might not be able to have children. Doctors have said since my sister was 19 that she might be unable to have kids, but now they've tested her husbands sperm and they think there's a problem with him too. My sister is absolutely devastated to say the least.

I've always been so close to her, she's like my second mother. I have my earliest memories with her and we're closer than anyone could be, so it's really affected me too. A few years ago she was upset about the fact she might not be able to have children, she told me that her best friend offered to be a surrogate mother for her but she'd only ever ask me or my other sister (she's 30). She asked my sister if worst come to the worst, would she be a surrogate, my sister said she was very sorry but she just couldn't do it.

Because i was about fifteen, sixteen, i told my sister that i'd deffinitly do it for her once i was over eighteen. I always said i didn't want kids (i do now!) so i didn't think it'd be as hard as it would for my other sister. My sister was over the moon, saying she knew if anyone did it for her, it'd be me.

Now that i'm almost nineteen i'm terrified. I'd still love to do it for her, i think it's the most selfless thing anyone could ever do but i honestly don't know if i could go through with it. I'm very broody now anyway (i wouldn't have children at this age tho!) so i think giving away a baby would kill me. I told my mum how i felt and she ended up telling my sister. My sister said she understands i was younger when i said it and she would never expect me too. But for some reason i think she really thought i would do it. I feel so guilty and i don't know what to do.

All my family and friends have told me not to do it. They see how close i am to my sister and said it could reck our relationship. My mum said i'd ether end up not giving the baby away or i'd resent my sister and couldn't cope being around the baby.

Sorry for this being so long, i just want some advice from people who are going through similar things or have done something similar to this

 

[tinybutterfly]

not an easy situation to be in...
in cases like this there needs to be open communication about everything and
a well thought through set of "boundaries" etc.

will they use your eggs or is everything theirs and you are the "incubator" hehe?
you will carry the child and that alone will create a unique bound,
but even moreso if it's partially yours.

also, i think there's a difference between being a surrogate for strangers or friends
and family, you'll see the child often and personally i would like that more.
if my aunt had wanted a 3rd child i would have offered to carry it (she nearly died after having my 2nd cousin).

i think it's a matter of making sure you can see it rationally, rather than emotionally.
facts are (in plant terms hehe): baby is made in the lab, you grow it, but they (sister) harvest it

also, i don't know about the law, since it's prohibited here (it exists, but is illegal),
but i thought they only did this if the surrogate mother already had a child/children and wasn't really planning on having more,
but like i said, no idea how accurate that info is

 

[SRTBaby]

The surrogates i have heard of often have their own children before becoming surrogates. I think you are struggling because your first experience will be for someone else's baby.

 

[mummy3]

I really think you should have your own children first
I would be a surrogate for someone I cared deeply about, but only when I was sure my own family was complete. I'm sure if you explained to your sister that you wanted your own baby first she would understand.

It is better to get that out in the open now than agree to it and change your mind down the line when you may already be pregnant

 

[ceciliab01]

I agree that it would be better if you had your own child/children first.

 

[Pyrrhic]

Unless you are 100% sure about it, it's not something you should do. You sister should look into surrogate agencies.

 

[AppleBlossom]

I would consider having children of your own first. If something went wrong you may be left unable to have anymore children. It is a selfless thing to do and I am considering in the future offering to do this for my auntie, who I am close to and has always been very good to me. But I'm unsure if I want anymore children. When I know I will offer if they still need help

 

[kiwimama]

I would want to have completed my family before considering surrogacy. I don't think you can go into such a complex and emotive journey if you are not 110% happy and content with what you are doing. I'm sure you're sister will understand, you are still very young, you don't have your own family yet. Just be there over the next few years to support her, hopefully she'll be able to go through an agency that can find a suitable surrogate for her.

 

[mommieoftwo]

I have always said I would be a surrogate mother to my sister Belle if she wanted kids as she only has one ovary and it would be extermly hard to concieve- they found out she had tumours on it and they removed it as we have a history of ovarian cancer in our family. After having my own children I have realised it would actually be a lot harder to do. In our situation, it has come out with an okay ending, Belle is 14 and having a baby which we all thought was impossible. Her age makes it all a little bittersweet though

 

[kanga]

I think its lovely that you are even contemplating being a surrogate for your sister.

If its her egg and his sperm, would that make it easier for you? If thats not an option I understand how you would feel it impossible to see a surrogacy through to the end. It could cause all sorts of problems using your egg, I personally wouldnt go down that route

 

[Seity]

I agree with the others about having your own children first. Now that I have my boy and know I don't want any more kids, I can honestly say, I could be a surrogate for someone I was close with. Communication is key (in everything in life) and being able to talk about your fears and doubts is crucial especially for a situation such as this, should you choose to go forward with it someday.

 

[ali123]

hi im in the same type of situation as you and i would really love to talk to you even over email if you could get back it would be great...im really close to my older sis too im 25 and shes 39 shes like my mother going ahead with this,how is your sis now if you could get back to me it would be great thanks xxxxxx

 

[nevernormal]

I agree with others about having your own child first. This is going to come out wrong, but your sister has waited this long, she can wait a little longer if that's what it takes for you to know if you can go through with it.

If I end up not being able to carry my own children, well for one we will adopt (but we'd do that anyway), but I wouldn't ask my sister or SIL to surrogate for me until they'd at least each had their own, but possibly until they felt that their families were complete. If it came down to it, my mom would surrogate for us, but we are all just praying that God rains His grace down on us to bring us a little blessing soon and we don't have to think on that subject anymore...

 

[Nikki1120]

I'm going ahead and doing this for my older sister after i've recovered from having my own child, my sister means the world to me and it pains me that she can't have children as i know she's going to make an amazing mother, I did worry about the emotional attachment, but the way i see it, her egg, her boyfriends sperm, i'm just the oven I can't wait to do it, hopefully it works out around christmas time next year and she can have a baby for christmas It's the most selfless thing you can do for someone you love, and i'd do it for my younger sister if it turned out she couldn't have a child also, but no one else, it has to be YOUR choice and you musn't do it because you feel forced or obliged too, do it for you.

 

[sarah1989]

I think, with you being as young as you are, your sister will understand. If you do end up deciding to do this for your sister, it will make her an older Mum, but in the end she could still be a mother.

I think it is important that you make sure this is what you want to do before you get too deep into the situation, if that makes sense.

If it is going to be her egg and her DH's sperm, that may make the situation a bit easier, because you will only be the "incubator" for the baby. That in among itself is a wonderful selfless thing to do

Best of Luck with whichever you decide to do.