taken the plunge

[babytots]

i sent df an emai a couple of days ago about how i've been feleing with jessica and wanting to try again in the future but he doesnt check them that often so hasnt read it yet hes gone onto the internet so i told him he had one from me.

now i'm off to run in the kitchen and cook our tea so i cant see his reaction. i'm such a wuss but scared what he might say and it isnt the answer i want iykwim x

 

[babybuffy84]

Oh hunny i hope you get the anwser you want xxx

 

[AP]

babytots im sure you're all over the place now, its so nervewracking asking those type of things, and having to wait for the upfront answer!

Fx for you babe xxxxxxxxxxxxx
Keep us posted!

 

[babytots]

well i got the answer i knew i would why do i bother putting my feelings on the line when i know what hes going to say and upset me even further. am sure i am gluttony for punishment.

why didnt i just keep my feelings to myself and waited a bit longer. now i'm trying my best not to let him see me cry or be hurting. roll on when he goes to bed so i can have a good cry on my own. x

 

[AP]

Sweetie, what did he say, if you dont mind me asking?

 

[JesseLake]

aww hunni, flamin blokes. I only lost mine thursday with a mc at 5 weeks and miss jordan more every time i take a breath, and seeing other pregnant women and new mums in the streets feels like im being kicked in the heart every time i spot one. Blokes are bleedin useless and far too stubborn. Give it a go in a couple of weeks, but dont push it too hard, u might push him away if ur too persistent.

 

[babytots]

thanks ladies i know he needs time and that its effected him too but i dont think he knows how much i hurt and that nothing is able to help ease this pain and help heal broken my heart. he wants me to reply to him but i dont know what to say.

sb22- he wrote this.

I'm sorry but I cant think about it at the moment.If you wanted an answer now it would be no because i dont think i can go through this again. I know its not me who carries the baby but i still hurt.I'm sorry if I hurt you by telling you this but i do love you always and i hope you still love me xxx"

i know that hes hurting too and i feel so selfish for even contemplating putting him through the risk of losing another baby but i cant imagine my life without another baby in it and i dont think i will ever be happy again if i dont.

why is life so hard! x

 

[bklove]

I know its not what you wanted to hear but we all grieve in different ways and the amount of time that takes can vary. Maybe you can meet him in the middle, let him know you understand that and that its hard for you as well and it would be great for you both to talk about it together, maybe even both do stuff to heal together (write, walk, talk, workout, cook etc) and take the time to heal. But that you would like to try soon as you don't think you'll be happy, you dont' want to give up, and from what you've learned you can go on to have a healthy child. It's hard, I know, but try to give him some time...which may be shorter than you think, who knows.

 

[babytots]

thanks bk theres not much point as i know i will just go round in circle with him. it was the same after my 2nd loss me wanting to try again to take the pain away somewhat and him not wanting to and we had constant arguements,talks and tears over it and got nowhere. he eventually did agree to keep me happy but it wasnt what he really wanted.

i just know jessica was my last hope of ever having another baby. x

 

[bklove]

I know he'll come around. It sucks but you may have no choice but to give it time, and in the mean time take care of yourself. Maybe follow up with the doctor to see what is up and keep yourself busy just to help yourself heal and deal with the wait. I'm forced into a wait at this point for medical reasons, but i've reached the point of being ok with that, and just taking care of myself in hopes when ttc comes back around maybe it'll make a difference.

 

[Shelby2007]

Oh babytots! Im sorry you didnt get the answer you were hoping for.. hopefully your OH will change his mind soon for your sake!! You have been through a lot sweetie.. take time to greive for Jessica.. and soon you and your OH will be on the same page.. Good luck to you sweetie..

 

[AP]

Honey! Jessica was not your last hope. She is proof of what you and your OH have.

I know it's not the same, but after the 1st miscarriage I had, everything was all over the place. i was to frightened to ask OH, and I guess he was too frightened to ask me. So he started protecting himself like I did, by saying things like "I cant do it again" Blah blah blah.

We soon found out that what we truely wanted was to try again, but only after some time to breathe, and think.

The seed has been planted in OH's head and he knows how you feel now. Leave him to it just now, i'm sure it's not going to be long, he'll be festering on the idea now until he decides he is ready too.

 

[babytots]

thanks ladies i managed to send him an email back last night after he had gone to bed. he gets home from work soon so hopefully will read it.

he knows that i dont want to start again straightaway i want to get jessicas results back first and the be reffered for recurrent misscarriage tests and do all i can to make sure we get a healthy baby.

even if we werent actively ttc but leaving it to nature i'd be happy with that. i ache for a baby for jessica but i cant get her back and he doesnt understand that pain i feel. x

 

[AP]

It sounds like you're only trying to be sensible about things, but want that door to still be open to try.

 

[bklove]

he may never get it fully, my Hubby still doesn't but being on here I realize its different for the person going through it. So its ok if he doesn't, just once he knows your feelings and you guys meet that compromise. As sb22 said give him some time. I do hope you get what you want though

 

[babytots]

thanks hun well tonight things have gotten worse. i asked if he got my reply and he said yes but he didnt know what to say so didnt send me one back. he could tell i was geting upset so asked me if i wanted a cuddle and i said no so hes gone to bed. i know i shouldnt push him away but right now a cuddle from him isnt going to help he doesnt understand the pain i'm in and how much more i'm hurting right now because hes never going to change his mind i know he wont.

all i want is to be happy again this past year has been tainted with sadness apart from when i found out i was pg with jessica and those 19 weeks i had with her. i'm never going to be happy like that again without another baby in my life. x

 

[babytots]

another update we talked when i went to bed. i said to him i just wanted to be happy again and he said i know. then silence. then he said wait til the results come through so i said even if we get an answer i know you wont want to try again. so he said you know what i'm like i'll change my mind (like he has done in the past when it came to ttc) so i said well what if you dont and he said i dont know. then more silence and he went back to sleep.

so feeling a bit better today in that he might change his mind but thats only if we get a reason as to why jessica left and we can do something to prevent it happening again in the future. x

 

[bklove]

I'm glad you feel a little better. I think he will change his mind though. And don't push to much if he suggests he will...the well what if you don't questions can mess it up!

 

[superp123]

Oh hun. Don't give up hope and like the girls said already, guys are a whole different animal. My DH last week told me I was obsessed, because I want to know why and can't let it go. More so, said he wasn't going to try again. I was hurt just like you.
He later came to say that he was sorry, and he loved me. Doesn't change what he said, but I know he'll change his mind eventually. Hopefully yours will too. Sending you hugs.
P

 

[babytots]

thanks bk i will keep that in mind. going to leave the subject alone now til we have had jessicas results back and been to visit dfs family/holiday next month (just hoping his mum doesnt try and put him off the idea as i know if he talks to her she will grrrr!). once we are back from there i'll talk to him again about it.

superp- sorry your dh said that men really dont understand do they glad he apologised though. fingers crossed he changes his mind too hunni. i guess after having recurrent m/c it gets harder for them to think positively that next time we will get our healthy babies. x