Talking to kids about separation

[pregatlast]

As per another post, after 17 years I have decided I simply can't spend the rest of my life with my husband. His priorities are all wrong, his children are nowhere near the top of his list, he is not a good dad or husband anymore and I have no choice but to leave him. The kids are 5 and 3. Any advice on how to talk to them about things/how to tell them/what to tell them would be hugely appreciated.
Thank you

 

[happyonisland]

Hang in there! This is a challenging time for you and your children. Have you considered speaking with a local pastor or counselor for advice and suggestions? Also, maybe they will be able to help you with the marriage as well. I believe marriage relationships can be reconciled.
Good luck! I wish you all the best.

 

[pregatlast]

We are almost at the point of telling the children now. He is moving out in 3 weeks. I think we will be quite brief and to the point with the information we give them, but my question now is around timing. I'm thinking we tell them either after school on a Friday, or on a Saturday morning, then the kids and I will go and stay somewhere else for the weekend to allow him to move out. Should we just tell them then pretty much go (depending on their reaction) or should we tell them eg on the Friday night then go somewhere to stay on the Saturday morning? I'm not quite sure what's best to do. I don't want to prolong things for them but I don't want to dismiss their feelings and not allow them time to process it all etc.

Any advice/experiences appreciated.

Thanks

 

[Wobbles]

It'll likely be a killer on your heart but to be blunt hold your **** together for them. If they break down you CANNOT. Mine did and I died inside and the guilt was horrendous but I needed to see forward and be strong for them ... it was going to be just fine, it was the right thing to do for all of us and it has all worked out. Tough though especially if your children react as mine did.

We didn't tell them until we were ready to move our separate ways and he was around for a couple of weeks (separate rooms) - the girls got to see us being amicable and we still are now.

Depends on the personal situation and whats best for everyone how quick things move along afterwards.

Good luck!

 

[Rags]

I can only say what my friend did as I've not been in the situation. After she and her husband decided to split they moved into separate rooms and explained to their daughter (then 3) that although they both loved her very much they didn't love each other any more and were making each other unhappy and that because of this her dad was going to move into another house in a couple of weeks but that he'd still be seeing her lots and lots and that when he was settled she'd be able to stay with him too. She had heard them arguing for a while and they made a point of not arguing once they moved rooms so that their daughter would see that there was in improvement already. When he moved out her dad made a point of coming in often after work and doing his usual things - which wasn't very much really (hence the relationship breakdown). That was 4 years ago now and they all have worked out a routine that works for their daughter. Good luck

 

[Becca_89]

Hi, I haven't been through your situation, but as a teacher I have seen children going through it.

Here is a list of some books you might find useful to read with your children over time
https://www.littleparachutes.com/category/issues/divorce-separation/
I haven't read any of these books, but it's worth looking them up.

It will be a big change for you all, as important it is to support them please don't forget to support yourself, as most importantly they need a strong mum too!

Also if they go to school/preschool, talk to their teachers about it, they often have support in school for the children and to keep an extra eye on them at this time.
Remember children are very adaptable, the change will be hard at first but they will hopefully soon get used to it!
My mum is a social worker, and often uses something called a social story to help children in separation situations, including their personal photos. So it might be worth making your own story and having photos of dads new house, and your house to explain they can go over dads to spend time with him, just focuses on what fun will come from the change, if you believe dad will still see them regularly.

Sorry I can't be any more help!
Good luck, and remember to look after yourself too! Hope your ok xxxxxx