Telling DH

[Mrsgoodhart]

This is my first normal cycle after an October loss with D&C at 11 weeks. I'm due to ovulate any day now and, while I'm hopeful and impatient, my husband is just nervous and scared. I think we have both done a fair bit of self-blame for the miscarriage, but he's pretty worried we'll have to go through that again whereas I'm just ready to go and have convinced myself (for my own sanity maybe) that it was horrible but a one-time thing that won't happen again. I think in some ways he took it even worse than I did.
So....I'm wondering. If I do get a BFP this cycle (I will be approx 11-13 DPO Christmas morning...) I'm not sure whether I want to tell him right away- because who wants to miss the opportunity to wrap up a BFP?? But on the other hand, I kind of want to wait until I've had the serial betas and progesterone test and early ultrasound my OB promised...until I know everything is okay before I say anything so he doesn't have to worry about it- though I will say, this time I waited one whole day before I told him. I don't know if I could wait 2-3 weeks. Also I wouldn't want his feelings to be hurt when he realizes I went weeks without telling him something so huge.
And then there's the huge part of me that knows damn well I won't relax until the next kid is out, anyway.
Thoughts?

 

[SarahA]

I can relate to some degree. I had a miscarriage in September. DH was amazing through it all; my parents were the bigger problem. They had struggled with infertility, so they understand how amazing it is to finally get a BFP. However, they never lost a pregnancy, and when it happened to us, they were devastated and they handled it poorly. It's negatively affected my relationship with them—for now, at least.

So I've been really struggling with what to do the next time I get pregnant. DH wants to tell the family right away, but we did things his way last time and we had to un-tell them and deal with all of their crappy emotions, so this time we're doing things my way and telling them when I'm ready. I'd rather keep it between me and DH until 12 weeks. That way, I'll have gone through the beta and hormone tests, and I'll have a couple of ultrasounds under my belt. However, I, like you, am worried that they'll be hurt if they find out we've known for months and didn't tell them. So I've got some serious thinking to do...

For what it's worth, in your case, I seriously think you should tell your DH early. It's unlikely, but if you were to lose another pregnancy, you don't want to go through that alone, nor do you want to have to say, "By the way, honey, I was pregnant again and now I'm not. Sorry." He'll know you lied and it'll be worse for your relationship. And if the next pregnancy goes perfectly, and in all likelihood it will, you'll have more time to be excited together!!

 

[kdmalk]

I would tell him immediately. God forbid you have another loss, you don't want to go through that alone. My dh took it hard too, but that doesn't mean we shouldn't share the burden of another loss and have each other to lean on if that should happen again. Your best bet is to tell him, in my opinion. Plus, if your OB promised an early ultrasound, dh should get the chance to see your sweet rainbow baby too! Good luck! Update us!

 

[jlw617]

I agree with the other ladies, you really should tell dh as soon as possible, not only because you shouldn't have to go through another loss God forbid should that be the case, but also because as a father and your husband he deserves to know as well.
ive had a hard time deciding who/when to tell if we get another bfp, especially because my oldest daughter (8) took the news pretty hard when we lost the baby, I think I'm going to try and wait until im 8 weeks along before I announce it this next time.

 

[Mrsgoodhart]

I agree with the other ladies, you really should tell dh as soon as possible, not only because you shouldn't have to go through another loss God forbid should that be the case, but also because as a father and your husband he deserves to know as well.
ive had a hard time deciding who/when to tell if we get another bfp, especially because my oldest daughter (8) took the news pretty hard when we lost the baby, I think I'm going to try and wait until im 8 weeks along before I announce it this next time.

For sure.....my six year old son was pretty devastated when we lost this baby. Next time, no matter what I have to do to keep it a secret from him, I don't want to tell him until it's "safe", whenever that is.

 

[claudinator]

Oh your DS knew? That must of been so hard telling him

I struggled to have my first. And then when I had my mc SIL who has no interest in children was pregnant was whining and moaning about been pregnant then being "stuck" with a baby. My inlaws found it really hard because dh & I would love another baby I loved being pregnant I loved DS as a newborn and it's not happening. Fil and mil said its hard to watch us want it so badly and her be dismissive. It's cruel.

 

[Mrsgoodhart]

It was horrible. we explained that the baby in my tummy had gotten sick and died, and wouldn't be coming to live with us, but instead would live in heaven. He handled it very well, then about 5 minutes after I put him to bed that night, I heard the most pitiful little sobs coming from his room- he told me that he loved THAT baby, wanted that one to be alive, and didn't want to wait for a different one, etc.
Just about broke my heart.