Terrified of giving birth

[PnkPolkaDots]

Okay, this probably sounds insane since I'm not even pregnant, but I'm so terrified of giving birth that it's starting to make me second guess even trying. We haven't started ttc yet, but are planning to in the next couple of years. Being a mother is something I have wanted my entire life, but I'm seriously worried that I cannot physically give birth.

When DH and I first started having sex (he was my first), it was always uncomfortable until just a couple years ago. It felt like I was trying to be wedged open and it stung deeper towards my cervix. Pap smears are awful for me. When I have them done it hurts so bad that I usually pass out (such an embarrassing ordeal but I have an amazing doctor).

Given that these two things were so hard for me (well, pap still is), I'm worried that it's because I have too small of a pelvis, and that giving birth just can't physically happen. I've read that this is extremely rare, but can still happen. Was anyone else absolutely terrified of giving birth because they thought they couldn't do it, but did fine? Anyone else had similar experiences with sex and paps?

Thank you ladies.

 

[mom2b2013]

Well I haven't given birth yet but I'm also extremely terrified of it. Growing up I said if I ever have a baby it will be through a C section but I've since changed my mind, mainly because of pressure from others and because I would probably have a hard time finding a dr who would do it since there is no medical reason.

I also have a difficult time with pap smears and feel nauseous and squimish during it. Its mainly cause I don't like the feeling of an instrument moving around in there. Sex is sometimes very uncomfortable if I'm in certain positions. I recently found out I have a retroverted uterus which is not that uncommon and explains the sexual discomfort. My dr said it shouldn't affect the pregnancy at all.

I have found it really helpful to watch the maternity shows on TV and learn as much as I can about the birthing process. It has kind of desensitized me a bit and reduced my fear. You have 9 mths to get used to the idea and as the months go by it gets easier to face the prospect of giving birth. I wish you the best of luck

 

[PnkPolkaDots]

Thank you for responding! I'm glad I'm not the only one. I've thought about c-sections too but I hate that the recovery time is longer and I worry my baby would suffer consequences by being born before s/he is completely ready. Though if I was ordered to have a c-section for a medical reason, I'd be relieved to be avoiding the whole labour/vaginal delivery process.

That's interesting about your retroverted uterus. I googled it and wouldn't be surprise if I had that too. It would explain the uncomfortable sex, even though it's getting better now.

I usually avoid anything to do with maternity shows on tv. Maybe I'll start though, and maybe I'll become a bit more desensitized and hopefully less terrified by the time I get pregnant.

Good luck, I hope your labour and delivery goes well!

 

[bbkf]

Hey I was so terrified of labour I used to pass out from period pain and I'm just a big wimp. I planned to have every drug going but ended up having an hour long labour with only gas and air because I didn't have time for anything else. In the weeks up to Labour I couldn't stop worrying and being tearfully about it and in the hospital I was really scared and wondering why the hell all the other women were so bloody chilled out!!!!

Yes it was painfully but I did it! And I was so proud of myself and it hasn't put me off having more children so obviously wasn't that bad I actually found the examinAtions very painful probably more so than actually pushing so I would have minimal or no examinAtions next time.

Hope Ihavnt scared you more or anything but seriously if I can do it absolutely anyone can!! Also it's a few hours of your life and Its obviously worth it! And I firmly believe there is no medal for going drug free you could have a tooth removed with no numbing if you wanted to but no one does!

 

[Eleanor ace]

I find sex pretty painful and smear tests- yeouch! I get bleeding and small tears from both sometimes. I had tests, I have a retroverted uterus and narrow vagina. Giving birth was no problem! The thing is when you give birth your body dilates, so how big/small your vagina is normally isn't really an issue. I have a narrow pelvis which caused a bit of trouble with delivering DS as he got a bit wedges, but he was on the larger size (9lb 15oz) and came out in an awkward position. And even then it wasn't an emergency situation or anything, I just had to push harder and for longer than if he'd been smaller/come out less awkwardly.
Honestly I really wouldn't worry. Giving birth is unlike anything else. But if it would put your mind at ease why not speak to your doctor, let them check you over so that you know there is no physical reason to worry about being able to give birth and then you can ttc without that stress?

 

[snowfia]

Giving birth was no where near as bad as I thought it would be.
I actually enjoyed it. Yes it was painful, I'm not gonna lie but it was fine imo.
And once the baby's out, the pain has gone completely and you just completely forget about it.

 

[Butterfly89]

Omg, you sound like me. I was TERRIFIED for the same reasons. OH was my first and I have never felt completely comfortable DTD and exams... don't even ask, awful lol. I had a doctor tell me I was "half the size" of normal. Uhm, thanks doctor. xD But really its just muscle for the most part. I was born with a weird pelvic shape (narrow at front) and also have a completely retroverted uterus too. So I was convinced childbirth would destroy my body.

There are some things you can plan for to try to ease the process such as water birth, squatting or all fours positions, natural birth, etc... but things don't always go as planned.

I ended up delivering my 8lb9oz son on my back, feet in stirrups, with an epi, and yes - there *was* tearing and lots of stitches but honest to all the gods, I'm 100% back to normal and am only 7ish weeks PP. DTD and exams *still* hurt and the doctor still had to switch to the smaller speculum, lol =[. But seriously, things bounce back. I would've actually been happier if things had uhm, loosened up a little, but nope, just the same. I blame lots of kegels.

I promise you can do it (if doctors say its safe of course). Just be honest to the doctors/nurses about your fears and they can be really reassuring/helpful!

One thing I want to add is I asked for delayed delivery of the head (if medically safe) and they did it. It is supposed to allow time for your body to relax and stretch instead of tear. Other than that, I had a pretty typical north American hospital delivery (not what I wanted but turned out just fine!).

 

[nancy32]

i have no experience of this

 

[berniegroves]

Myself and my friend were both terrified too. She opted for ignorance is bliss and didn't do any research or preparation. She ended up being induced when she was 40+2 and because of that process taking so long she ended up with a c-section and a terrible experience. When I asked why she was induced so early she just said because the midwife told her to.
Who knows if her experience would have been different if she had more knowledge of the process and her options etc. I think she regrets her approach as she didn't know any of the options for pain relief etc and admitted she was scared during labour as she felt it was totally out of her control.

I went the other way and did soooo much research. Books, tv shows, online etc. I took raspberry leaf tea and listened to hypnobirthing CDs etc. I knew my rights, my options etc etc. I learnt about the technical bits of labour and what your body is trying to do and which positions help etc. and what I could go to help the process along.

As a result I went into labour still scared of the unknown but feeling prepared. I managed my contractions for 9 hours without any pain relief and then just had gas and air for 2 hours before pushing.

My advice would be to become as knowledgable as possible as then you will really get an understanding of how women's bodies were created for this and it's actually conpletlu natural. Which is reassuring I think.

Trust me, it's all totally worth it as soon as they hand you your baby!
And when the time comes you will be able to do it.

Trust your body and the medical staff at the labour ward, they will intervene if they need to.

 

[Colz_83]

I just posted my first ever thread in this forum about the same thing.

I think like most things in life I stress about it WAY too much before it even happens. I make up all these scenarios in my head. I just have to learn to go with the flow and know that everything should be okay.

 

[MindUtopia]

I find sex painful sometimes (it's just me not being able to relax) and paps are awful, but giving birth is totally different. It does hurt some, but for me, it definitely wasn't the worst pain ever and it's manageable. I didn't need any pain relief and it was totally doable. Your body is meant to give birth, so it knows what it's doing (whereas getting a pap isn't exactly a normal, natural thing, which is why it hurts so much).

I can't recommend enough doing some work during your pregnancy trying to develop a positive attitude towards birth and trying to change your expectations because it will make such a difference. I used natal hypnotherapy, but any similar hypnotherapy or relaxation techniques would work just as well.

Also, read some positive birth stories, especially natural birth stories. This really helped me during the times when my confidence waivered in the early days about planning a natural birth. I had a home birth with no pain relief at all (totally didn't need it) and I think reading other people's stories really helped me have more confidence and believe in my body's ability to do what it was meant to.

 

[ClaudiasMummy]

I gave birth nearly a year ago now. I was very calm but was scared before it happened. To be honest, when it happens it comes naturally. I knew what I needed to do before the MW's did. I was telling them. It was painful but I'd do it again in a heartbeat.

 

[cupcaker]

I would say I had a "standard" level of nerves when I was approaching my due date. I was fairly calm and collected but of course it's the unknown when it's your first, and that can be scary whatever anyone says.

Before I was pregnant, I wouldn't watch TV shows such as one born every minute etc, basically anything showing births..couldn't understand why anyone would want to see such things! As I got further into my pregnancy, I would put the TV shows on a little...and maybe look through my hands at certain bits! Before long I was just straight up watching them. It REALLY helped and I had so much more of an idea of what to expect and this made me much calmer during labour and birth. There are so many things about labour and birth that I would never have known about having not watched the programs. I'm sure books help too but I enjoyed seeing the 'real life' element on the tv shows.

It is quite a scary prospect, giving birth, but it ENDS....it is a tiny, TINY part of the grand scale of having a lovely child. I managed with gas and air and just went for it. I have a nearly 4 week old baby, and easily the hardest part for me out of everything was not pregnancy, labour or birth, but breastfeeding!!! I've suffered terribly with it! Made the day of labour and birth seem insignificant in comparison. So everything doesn't always turn out the way your think or the same for everyone. You'll be fine and people are there to help. xx

 

[amjon]

I've always had issues with the doctor during exams. I've even had a few times where they used the pediatric instrument when I wasn't a child. I had no issues when I delivered my daughter breech. I didn't even have a tear or scratch. When it needs to it will stretch fine. I was calm and relaxed though, so that does help quite a bit to keep things loose and flexible. I was terrified of labor, but when it came to it I did even know I was in labor and had no issues down below.

 

[gigglehush]

Omg, you sound like me. I was TERRIFIED for the same reasons. OH was my first and I have never felt completely comfortable DTD and exams... don't even ask, awful lol. I had a doctor tell me I was "half the size" of normal. Uhm, thanks doctor. xD But really its just muscle for the most part. I was born with a weird pelvic shape (narrow at front) and also have a completely retroverted uterus too. So I was convinced childbirth would destroy my body.

There are some things you can plan for to try to ease the process such as water birth, squatting or all fours positions, natural birth, etc... but things don't always go as planned.

I ended up delivering my 8lb9oz son on my back, feet in stirrups, with an epi, and yes - there *was* tearing and lots of stitches but honest to all the gods, I'm 100% back to normal and am only 7ish weeks PP. DTD and exams *still* hurt and the doctor still had to switch to the smaller speculum, lol =[. But seriously, things bounce back. I would've actually been happier if things had uhm, loosened up a little, but nope, just the same. I blame lots of kegels.

I promise you can do it (if doctors say its safe of course). Just be honest to the doctors/nurses about your fears and they can be really reassuring/helpful!

One thing I want to add is I asked for delayed delivery of the head (if medically safe) and they did it. It is supposed to allow time for your body to relax and stretch instead of tear. Other than that, I had a pretty typical north American hospital delivery (not what I wanted but turned out just fine!).

Sorry to sidetrack but can someone tell me more about the delayed delivery of the head? One of my biggest fears is tearing and I want to learn ways to avoid it.

By the way I'm not even pregnant either, so don't feel weird lol.

 

[Louise88]

I had a phobia of giving birth and even tried to get a c section as I was petrified of giving birth naturally.

But when I was in labour after 16 hours I was fed up and wanted baby out and I didn't care anymore. I was actually surprisingly relaxed during the birth even asked for a latte while pushing haha

 

[PnkPolkaDots]

Thank you ladies for all your words and advice

A funny thing happened very shortly after I posted this. I actually found out I was pregnant (unexpected) and then a very short time after that, i miscarried. It wasn't planned, but was not at all unwanted. My emotions have just been a mess since then, and it has changed my views on giving birth. While the thought of giving birth still makes me feel nervous, I don't feel completely terrified and it isn't something I dread. Even though I don't yet know what it will be like for me, I would gladly do it in a heartbeat if it meant I could have my pregnancy back.

We're currently planning on TTC in 2014, so I plan to read lots of birth stories through then. Even if it does end up being a horrific experience (I plan to do everything in my power to prevent that), it is only one day and my baby will be a lifetime. My heart feels so heavy and full lately, that I don't think there's a single thing I wouldn't do for my future baby right now.

Thank you so much ladies!

 

[mom2b2013]

Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. I wish there was something I could say to make it better but I know there probably isn't. It sounds like when the time comes for you to be a momma you will be prepared and ready to face all that labor and birth has to bring.

Best wishes,

mom2b

 

[Kess]

I'm really sorry to hear about your loss.

Your thread really touched me, so I wanted to share my story even though happily you are less worried now. I always had trouble with any penetration: sex, smears, internal exams, etc. I was diagnosed with vaginismus, an involuntary tightening of the vaginal muscles which caused pain with penetration (if you have the same, it's just the muscles, not the pelvis itself). I was worried about labour too, but honestly, it was so different to what I expected. Your body has plenty of time to prepare itself before the baby decends, and something coming OUT doesn't trigger the same tightening as something trying to go IN. A wonderful side-effect of labour for me has been my vaginismus has pretty much gone! Which has had rather a good effect on my sex-life! And smear tests are no longer something I dread.

If you want a positive birth story, a link to mine is in my signature.

 

[PnkPolkaDots]

Thank you Kess!

While I haven't been officially diagnosed with vaginismus, it sounds a lot like me and I wouldn't be a bit surprised if I have it. It can be a bit humiliating to talk about, because I hate sounding like I "can't" do something - like have sex, get a pap smear, or use a tampon. In high school I actually started carrying around a tampon so that in case someone asked for one, they wouldn't think I was scared to use them.

I am much less nervous about giving birth now (and even more so after your post), and I'm glad that your vaginismus has improved since giving birth. Within the past year or so sex has been much more comfortable (so grateful for such a patient OH!), so I'm hoping that mine's improving too. How amazing that would be if it goes away after giving birth!

Off to read your birth story... thank you for sharing!