Terrified

[red_head]

I’m 4 weeks 4 days. Already been up the hospital a couple times as my tests got lighter and I freaked. Truly freaked out, bawling and sure I was losing again. Hey got darker again, although I haven’t been able to bring myself to do anymore as I’m too afraid. I just can’t relax, every lack of symptom or symptom I’m googling and worrying over. This is my fourth pregnancy and we’ve never got past 7 weeks. I’m a week behind this time as I ovulated late. And I’m not having many symptoms really except having mild cramps which is freaking me out even though everywhere says it’s normal. Ive possibly had nausea although not 100% sure that’s pregnancy or anxiety!, headache, emotional, bloody nose (which I didn’t know was a thing). I’ve a scan Friday when i’ll Be five weeks exactly but I think that’s just going to freak me out more as I know we won’t see anything.
I know whatever is going to happen will happen, and there is nothing I can do about it, but this is killing me! I just want to know everything’s okay! I keep thinking if I think bad thoughts the worst will happen, and then they creep in and that makes me panic! I honestly don’t know how to cope with this! I always say to people to try and enjoy it as they are pregnant for now, but I just can’t! I’m also upset as before we got pregnant my husband and I agreed we wouldn’t tell anyone until I was at least 15 weeks, because of what’s happened before. We agreed I could tell my mom as we’re very close and I confide in her. So I told my mum and begged her not to tell anyone. She then told my sister (who apparently overheard us talking on the phone although I don’t think she could have guessed from what was said, I think she asked what we were talking about bd mum told her. Anyway, then she tells my dad too (although this time the story was he overheard mum and my sister talking about it, although I think that’s just an outright lie). I was really upset about it, as I worry things like that will jinx it, especially as it was only a couple days in the past pregnancy between us telling our close family and miscarrying. My husband was also pretty annoyed and we spoke about it, and how I felt it jinxed things. As if already been up the hospital and had to change Xmas plans as we were there Xmas day, hubby told his parents, making it clear no one else was to know, and that it was very early and we’d had a scare already. Then today he went round his parents (I wasn’t feeling up to it) and bloody told his brother and sister in law!! Without asking me and knowing I was worried about it! He isn’t even close with his brother - they see each other twice a year max, and we found out they were pregnant the second time via his parents. I just feel like we’re jinxing things, even though I know that’s crazy and I’m not normally superstitious.
Anyway I’m just really struggling, I’m sure my hormones aren’t helping, but any advice would be appreciated!

 

[Nuthatch]

i have no real advice as I am in the same position--multiple losses and scared out of my mind all the time.

I hope you find some peace and that this is your sticky bean. Perhaps, in time, telling people will feel like the right decision as you will have people to celebrate with (or help you through if, god forbid, something happens). It is terrible that it wasn't on your terms though and you have every right to be upset about it. We arent telling dh's family until i am showing and i would be livid if he decided to tell without me agreeing.

i sincerely hope everything works out, Red.

 

[Lightning7]

Thinking of you both Red and Nuthatch, I also dont have any advice as I am in a similar situation, lost my first pregnancy in November at 6 weeks after brown spotting started at 5 weeks, now 5 weeks 2 days and started brown spotting at exactly 5 weeks again so felt really upset and sure i was losing again but spotting stopped within a half hour. Scared of telling anyone cause last time i told my best friend and mc happened the next day.

Right now just holding onto hope that it sticks around, but at the same time dont want to get too happy about it as it will hurt more if i did lose it the days seem to crawl by so slow.

Hope you both are doing ok. Praying for all of us!

 

[Twinkl3]

I'm so sorry your going through this and cannot offer much advice.

In regards to your symptoms don't think that you need to have them. I didn't have any symptoms until I was around 10 weeks and even then it was just indegestion. I had cramping (and still do now) and after also having 2 losses on the past it's still frightening.

Praying you have your sticky bean.

We literally didn't tell a soul about this pregnancy until I was 15 weeks. I didn't tell anyone apart from my work manager with my daughter until I was 26 weeks!

 

[BSN2MOM]

I'm so sorry you're going through this! I would be irritated that people were finding out before I was comfortable with them knowing. Hopefully everyone else can learn to shut their mouth and understanding that this is between you and hubs only. It's easier to tell you than it is to follow my own advice but just breathe. I lost 1 before my current one (heart/growth stopped around 9w2d, we didn't find out until 12w scan. I'm currently 12w4d with our second). I am JUST now starting to feel like I can breathe a little sigh of relief. That feeling you described of there is *nothing* that you can do... I know that all to well and it does suck hard... but at least knowing that is helpful I think.

Praying for all you ladies. I hope we see our rainbows soon!