The heartache of ttc after a loss.

[lucy_x]

It's like waiting for a bus. A fucking bus that never comes. You get more and more impatient with every passing second, only with try to conceive, you don't have to wait a few minutes, or hours...you wait days to see if this cycle is going to be the one you get lucky.

Guess what? My bus didn't come this month, and it's broken me.
My partner says I need to be patient, that IT WILL happen.
He doesn't understand
Each day is a battle with my inner body.
Each day seems like hours of constant wanting, and missing my 'lost' pregnancy, only I didn't "loose" it. I didn't leave it on the damn bus. My babies died. Two of them.
And I want them back, I want my pregnancy back - I want to be pregnant.
No one understands.

"It will happen" they say - WHEN? When?

I know it's only been 3 months since the end of my last pregnancy, but this month I thought it was it. I had THREE faint positives.
But no. I started spotting and af is due tomorrow.... A solid reminder that in fact no, I am not pregnant.

I feel broken. Completely broken. I could scream and shout.I'm clearly never going to get over how my last pregnancy ended. But another pregnancy could help ease the anguish. Give me something to celebrate.

Iv never had to TTC before. My daughter was conceived the month I came of the pill, my son a suprise. My 'lost' twins, they were also a suprise. TTC is exhausting, mentally draining and then there's the guilt. 'I have two healthy children, I should be greatful' they say - I feel like screaming yes dickhead, but I should have 4!!! And then I feel like hell. Because I should be greatful. There's the guilt that there's people in this world going through far worse than I am...far far worse.
Then there's the worry. What if I miscarry again?

Don't get me wrong, I'm not like this all the time. Until AF showed her face this month I had returned to some normality. Yes I miscarried. But life does eventually go on. It was the faint positive tests that through me, the symptoms I thought I was displaying which were clearly in my head. I was giddy excited at the thought of another pregnancy.

I don't expect replies. I don't expect anything, I just needed to get my feelings down to people who understand...because while my partner has been great, he's an impossible person to talk to.

Good luck with TTC to everyone in this group, I wish none of us were here

 

[LoraLoo]

I'm so sorry hun, I hated every second of Ttc after losing my babies. As you say it's constantly waiting. Waiting for Af to end, waiting to ovulate, the tww. And it's stressful and upsettng and theres nothing you can do to just make it happen. Me and hubby would argue too because everything was so regimented, it wasn't any fun.
I tried to find things to keep my mind occupied- gave myself something to focus on like a mini holiday, or losing weight.
Really hope it happens soon for you.

 

[cupcake23]

Sending hugs... You have said everything I feel right now and what I am so scared of, I don't know if I could ttc again after my loss, I don't know how anybody does it to be honest. The whole process is far too stressful and anxiety levels hit the roof each cycle, it's a wonder how anybody gets pregnant. I really hope it happens for you soon x

 

[mrs unicorn]

I'm feeling very similar to you at the moment. This will be our first cycling properly ttc since the mmc. After the erpc we went with ntnp as I wasn't sure when I would ovulate. Turned out we bd right around ov but then af arrived. I was surprised at how upset I was. The hardest thing is the waiting around, wondering how long we are going to have to wait this time. Part of me, well most actually, hates ttc. I feel like my whole life is on hold and completely dominated by it. I've tried distracting myself - potentially booking a holiday in July, trying to lose a bit of weight for that (that's not going well as I don't have the motivation), decorating and DIY around the house, but nothing works. Being at work is the worst time for me as it is in no way distracting enough. I sit at my computor working away, but my brain is constantly thinking about it. It's not the same for my DH, he doesn't think too much about it as his work is a huge distraction for him. I'm only cd5 and already fed up of how slowly time is ticking away. I feel bad for wishing my life away until I'm pregnant again (fx).

 

[mod19]

Unfortunately I have no explanation as to why ttc is so overly consuming, but I feel like all of us are obsessed with it. It's like an addiction and you can't but help think about it 24/7. Even in those lousy dreams that you get a bfp only to have af arrive a week later.

Lucy, I strongly recommend reflexology or acupunture. It's insane how much it relaxes you and brings you back to "normal" I hate to see people so heartbroken. Losses are so so hard, and unless they've gone through it, people don't understand. The husbands don't understand, probably because they had no connection to the baby yet.

I too should have 4 children, but I have one, and she is the most amazing little girl and I'm so thankful for her everyday. I honestly thought I was doomed to not have kids, but with a little help from clomid and I have the best miracle I could ever ask for.

You're right, life does go on at some point, but you need to properly grieve them before you can entirely let go.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your twins. I hope you're blessed soon with a new bundle (s)

 

[Jkelmum]

Hugs xx

 

[flou]

I can understand how you feel and I felt like that for about 3 years. Just don't give up hope. After my second mc I was told that I would have to lose another before I would go through testing. Trying for my third pregnancy felt like I was trying to conceive to fail again. However, I got third time lucky. And I now have a gorgeous one year old son. Who is my world. And I would go through all of the hurt and the pain again for him. I wish I could have had all three of my babies but I have just one. I hope you get your rainbow soon.