The sense of failure

[Rachie004]

Hi everyone,

I'm 4.5 months in after my beautiful LO was born via EMCS.

I've come to terms with it in the sense that logically I know it was absolutely the best outcome given the circumstances but I still feel so violated and a huge sense of failure. The feelings rear their ugly heads everytime anyone I know has a baby regardless of their outcomes being a vaginal birth or section.

I would like to respectfully ask that no one replies with the sentiments that all that matters is that I have a healthy baby. I thank the universe everyday that he's here and perfect but it leads me to think that I was merely a vessel and whatever happened to me during childbirth doesn't matter.

Will the feelings ever go away? It's frightened me so much that I'm not sure we'll have more children. Plus I see my scar as an ugly reminder everyday

Thank you

 

[wookie130]

I sincerely hope the feelings DO go away, and if they don't, please don't hesitate to speak to someone.

How exactly did you "fail"? Is birth an achievement, or a means to an end (a healthy baby and YOU)? Did you succeed in delivering your child and surviving the experience? If yes, then you failed at nothing.

Look, as someone who is both a loss-mom, and a victim of a violent sexual assault that occurred when I was 14 years old, I struggle to hear of those who feel that a life-saving emergency procedure is a "violation" and a failure. Seems to me that there are plenty of ladies who have lost their babies (and their own lives) in childbirth who would love a do-over, only if that meant that they could hold that precious crying baby in their arms. I don't know about you, but I would be willing to go through a whole lot worse than an EMCS to accomplish that.

I'm not trying to minimize your feelings. Birth trauma can be real. But, you know that for some women, vaginal birth is traumatic also, and they request a planned c-section for subsequent deliveries to avoid a repeat of that trauma. Our bodies fail us every day, and sometimes having that ideal vaginal birth doesn't pan out, not because we weren't trying hard enough, or because we didn't consume enough healthy foods, or because of anything we DID or didn't do during pregnancy...this is human anatomy and physiology. It messes up, and those mess-ups commonly occur during childbirth. No one wins medals for having an ideal birth, whatever the heck that means. But, we're doing pretty damn good if we come out of it healthy with a healthy baby!

I know you didn't want to hear that, but there's not much else one can say about it. The only other thing I can say, is that if your feelings of depression and sadness don't lessen, you should pursue some type of professional help to help you work through your feelings.

 

[LadySlipper]

After my emcs I had similar feelings. I really wanted a natural birth and tried everything I could to have one. It wasn't so much because it was some great achievement. But more wanting the healthiest birth possible; one without drugs. Felt my body let me and my baby down. Everything they did to get labor to progress did make me feel a little violated in a sense. Though was more a feeling that I was no longer in control. Was mad at my body that I couldn't do it on my own and cried about it. That said I was grateful the emcs went smoothly and that it happened to save my son from distress. Your feelings are valid. It's like anything in life that you feel you didn't do your best at. However this one was out of your control. The doctors did what they needed to for you and your baby. It is not a reflection of you as a mother. As you watch your baby grow, how your lo got to your arms will start feeling insignificant. It took awhile for me to no longer reflect on the bad parts of his birth and instead focus on the good. My son is now two and I am looking forward to delivering this baby via elcs. I agree with pp about if these feelings continue for you or turn into depression, please seek help. Maybe talking it out with a counselor will help.

Eta: The scar will fade. I can hardly see mine. I don't know your reasons for an emcs. But if you choose to have another baby you can try for a vbac. I'm not trying that due to age, size, and concern about the risks. Oddly enough I am more comfortable with a repeat section instead this time. I know what to expect. No surprises. Don't let the birth scare you away from bringing another beautiful baby into the world. Either vbac or elcs you at least wouldn't have the surprise surgery. You could better mentally prepare for it.

 

[wookie130]

That is an excellent point about not caring in a few years...just hug your child, and know that he/she is a miracle. Your child will NEVER hold his/her birth against you, so don't hold it against yourself.

 

[ItsJana]

I had an emcs with my first DD and I didn't have a sense of failure, I was just happy we survived it all, I had pre e and baby wasn't doing so well. With my second DD I managed to have a successful VBAC. Now I'm pregnant with my third baby and I should have delivered by now according to my OB. I am facing the possibility of another c-section even more than I did with my VBAC baby because of recent test results being less than ideal and having high blood pressure.
When I had my EMCS with my first DD I went to one hospital where I was looked at as a hypochondriac and was the very last to be seen in the emergency room. By the time I was seen and it was finally figured out what was wrong with me, they didn't want to deal with me and wanted to send me to the hospital I registered at ( I went to a different hospital initially because I was visiting my mom in another city). By the time I was transferred to the hospital in my city more than 24 hours had passed and I was very very sick. I was induced immediately, but was also given magnesium sulfate, which slows contractions. By the time I was 5-6 cm dilated my blood work was so bad that an emcs was the only option.

My feelings right now are severe frustration and resentment towards that first hospital, if they would have moved faster or just admitted me, (I'm in Canada so no insurance issues) I may have not needed that c-section and I'd have more options concerning induction (right now it's just sweeps that haven't done a thing and low dose pitocin). Trust me if you had a horizontal incision it will look it's best after about a year.

 

[LadySlipper]

I had an emcs with my first DD and I didn't have a sense of failure, I was just happy we survived it all, I had pre e and baby wasn't doing so well. With my second DD I managed to have a successful VBAC. Now I'm pregnant with my third baby and I should have delivered by now according to my OB. I am facing the possibility of another c-section even more than I did with my VBAC baby because of recent test results being less than ideal and having high blood pressure.
When I had my EMCS with my first DD I went to one hospital where I was looked at as a hypochondriac and was the very last to be seen in the emergency room. By the time I was seen and it was finally figured out what was wrong with me, they didn't want to deal with me and wanted to send me to the hospital I registered at ( I went to a different hospital initially because I was visiting my mom in another city). By the time I was transferred to the hospital in my city more than 24 hours had passed and I was very very sick. I was induced immediately, but was also given magnesium sulfate, which slows contractions. By the time I was 5-6 cm dilated my blood work was so bad that an emcs was the only option.

My feelings right now are severe frustration and resentment towards that first hospital, if they would have moved faster or just admitted me, (I'm in Canada so no insurance issues) I may have not needed that c-section and I'd have more options concerning induction (right now it's just sweeps that haven't done a thing and low dose pitocin). Trust me if you had a horizontal incision it will look it's best after about a year.

Oh wow I can't believe the first hospital treated you like that. Hopefully this time either cs or vbac it goes much smoother for you. Good luck.

BTW I also tend to be a serial thread killer. Or so it seems.

 

[firefly15]

I'm 16 days post EMCS and I have the exact same feeling of failure so I know just how you feel. I know it's still early days but at the moment I can't think about, talk about or watch anything to do with birth as I just don't want that reminder of what I wanted and what I feel my body failed to do.

Last time with DS I was induced and had a forceps delivery and I couldn't get over the feeling of 'failure' at having not gone into labour myself. This time I got to go into labour naturally and had a relatively easy time until it came to pushing and then for some reason DD moved her head to a weird angle and got stuck. I just can't shake the feeling that I could have done more or tried harder to get her out on my own and I HATE the fact that she was surgically removed from me rather than born the way I wanted. I guess I'm in mourning for the birth experience that I always wanted and now will most likely never have.

From having a less than ideal experience the first time round and being fairly traumatised by it, I can say that certain aspects do get easier in time. I did seriously wonder whether I would be able to go through it again to have another child, but with time you do start to heal and I'm so glad that I have DD now too. Be gentle on yourself and don't rule out another baby this early on. The jumble of hormones, lack of sleep, life upheaval and change that come with having a baby, especially when it's your first, make everything seem so overwhelming that you can't see any way through at the start.

I also empathise completely with your comment about feeling like a vessel and that what happened to you doesn't matter, I've had those exact thoughts both times. I actually think a lot of those feelings are brought on by shock and almost a form of PTSD, because what we all went through was scary and unexpected and very traumatic to our bodies. Under any other circumstances you'd get to rest and recuperate and make sense of what happened. With a newborn there is zero chance of that and the stress hormones and adrenalin keep us going and don't give any chance for you to start to heal mentally.

Have you looked into the birth reflections/afterthoughts service at your hospital? I did it about a year after having DS (although in hindsight I should have done it a lot sooner than I did) and it was really helpful. When I can face it I think I'll do it again this time as it does help with making sense of everything and brings perspective to the whole process.

Just sending you lots of hugs, it's awful to feel so crappy about this, but you're not alone. Hopefully in time it will get easier

 

[ItsJana]

I had an emcs with my first DD and I didn't have a sense of failure, I was just happy we survived it all, I had pre e and baby wasn't doing so well. With my second DD I managed to have a successful VBAC. Now I'm pregnant with my third baby and I should have delivered by now according to my OB. I am facing the possibility of another c-section even more than I did with my VBAC baby because of recent test results being less than ideal and having high blood pressure.
When I had my EMCS with my first DD I went to one hospital where I was looked at as a hypochondriac and was the very last to be seen in the emergency room. By the time I was seen and it was finally figured out what was wrong with me, they didn't want to deal with me and wanted to send me to the hospital I registered at ( I went to a different hospital initially because I was visiting my mom in another city). By the time I was transferred to the hospital in my city more than 24 hours had passed and I was very very sick. I was induced immediately, but was also given magnesium sulfate, which slows contractions. By the time I was 5-6 cm dilated my blood work was so bad that an emcs was the only option.

My feelings right now are severe frustration and resentment towards that first hospital, if they would have moved faster or just admitted me, (I'm in Canada so no insurance issues) I may have not needed that c-section and I'd have more options concerning induction (right now it's just sweeps that haven't done a thing and low dose pitocin). Trust me if you had a horizontal incision it will look it's best after about a year.

Oh wow I can't believe the first hospital treated you like that. Hopefully this time either cs or vbac it goes much smoother for you. Good luck.

BTW I also tend to be a serial thread killer. Or so it seems.

Thank you! That hospital doesn't have the greatest reputation, but I think it mostly depends on who is on shift that day and what their mood is unfortunately.

 

[seoj]

My close friend and I both had sections- and both had VERY different experiences. She still struggles with negative feelings around it. And has recently mentioned she might go talk to someone, because she is tired of feeling this way. And I think it's a great idea... maybe just talking it out, working through your feelings, anger, frustration, hurt (whatever YOU are personally experiencing) would be beneficial.

Personally- I had placenta previa, so I knew ahead of time a section was the only way my LO was coming into this world. So I had time to plan and come to terms with it before hand.. and tbh, it was a lovely experience. I wish all women had that when it came to sections. But every birth is unique and so personal. And it's something we truly have no control over- it's in the hands of the hospital staff and doctors and our bodies and circumstances.

I'm sorry you feel this way. I hope something helps. Obviously what happened cannot change... but maybe how you feel about it all will improve in time.

 

[LilRu]

Hi, I'm actually poking around this forum bc I have had 3 friends that I think feel similar to you. They all had extremely difficult labors, resulting in mixed feelings afterward. One of girlfriends doesn't want to have any more babies bc of her experience, another ended up in ICU at a different hospital than her baby girl.
I don't think having these feelings are rare. I wish I could suggest a safe place for you talk about it. But, if it helps, please know that you are definitely NOT alone. I'm sure you are so thankful for your LO, but that has nothing to do with the way you are feeling about yourself. Sending you a huge hug! I think you are extremely brave to go through such a difficult birth, and I think it is very brave and mature of you to look for help and answers as to how you are feeling emotionally. Not everyone has the same birthing experience, you are definitely not a failure! I'm sure you prove your wonderful self to your LO every single day.

Anyhow, I am reading this forum, bc I want to elect to have a C-section. It will be my first, and I am extremely terrified of having a difficult or traumatic labor experience. I know some people will judge me for that, but I guess in a way I'm scared to fail too

 

[Sker]

Didn't want to read and run! I ended up with a c-section due to failure to progress and I'll be honest. I'm still disappointed in myself over it. I can't say from my experience you ever get over the feeling entirely, but it did get easier to accept after awhile :/

 

[Clarabell543]

My DD is nearly two, I still have those feelings, I cry at people having babies on television! Despite this I am now finally at a point of considering TTC in the new year, something I didn't think I could do, hope things get better for you and congratulations on your arrival.

 

[babybaker2011]

I didn't get over those feelings until almost a year later and then it took another year to get over feeling hurt and upset - I wasn't allowed to see my DD1 until almost 5 hours later after I had her. It ticks me off every time I think about it...so maybe I'm still not completely over it

 

[ItsAWonder]

I completely understand how you feel. My DD was also born 4 1/2 months ago and though I thought I was over feeling bad about her birth the feelings have come back with a vengeance.

Since my baby was measuring small we decided to induce at 39 weeks. We started with the pills which worked too well for them to give me more but not well enough to induce labor. About 15 minutes into the pills her heart dropped to 60 beats per minute for 4 minutes but then leveled out. After 4 hours it was decided that pitocin was needed. Right as they started the pitocin drip the Anesthetist came in the room and told me I was not eligible for an epidural so if I needed a section it would have to be under general anesthesia. I am allergic to litocaine but my doctor had assured me they would give me a different family of meds if needed. I found out then that our Anesthetist was not trained to work with the other family of meds. It really screwed with my head. I didn't want the epi but I have seen how painful things can be with pitocin.

After 13 hours on the pitocin drip - as high a dose as they could give - my contractions were still not painful even though they were every 2 minutes and I was only 1 cm dilated. My DD heart rate was steady but not great so we stopped the drip and were going to try again the next morning.

When we tried again her heart rate dropped badly and they turned the drip off. They were going to give me one more go but the OR had to be open if her heart dropped and there were no openings.

Low and behold I had to have a c-section. I don't mind that as much as being put to sleep. I did not get to see my baby when she was born. I have no pictures or videos of the event. I have nothing but a void.

They pumped me with so much morphine after that the entire first day is a blur and I could barely take care of her. It took a while to really bond and the first day I had trouble believing she was mine.

I am left with a hole. I love my little girl so much but I missed her birth. My first born.

The hospital I am near does not do VBACs. The closest hospital that does is 4 1/2 hours away. That is also the closest hospital with an Anesthesiologist who could give me an epidural. I want another baby but I cannot be put to sleep for the birth again, even if I need another section. It's really hard.

 

[Lizzybee]

I'm 7 months pp from my emcs. I wanted a home birth so I went from one extreme to the other. I don't think about it every day like I used to but it still hurts. I agree that you know the outcome is what is most important but it doesn't stop you feeling that way. I felt like I'd let everybody down inc my midwife for whom it would have been her first home birth!!! It's mad I know but when you see or hear of people having perfect births jealousy builds inside and the feeling of failure is intense.
But it does get easier I promise. I hope soon to be able to feel good about it like my other cs friends do.

 

[justmeinlove]

Totally understand, I'm still there 20 months later. It's not constantly on my mind or anything., but when I do think about it, it feels awful.
Our emcs happened because lo had her foot wrapped around the cord four times and apparently would never have made it out by herself. So we're lucky they did it!
But the whole experience was horrendous, completely out of my control, and honestly I don't really think of myself as her 'mother', more as she is our little girl we look after and love. I don't have a real sense of relating pregnancy to something I have been. Probably because of how it ended, there was no conclusion or birth per se, there was just this hideous trauma then there was a baby I needed to feed.
I found the midwife listening service helpful as they at least explained about the cord and at least gave me a story to tell.
Completely empathise with can't handle other peoples birth stories, every one I read I hate that person a little bit.