The WORST thing about infertility is....

[alison011177]

for me- family who dont understand. TTC for 2 years with pcos, blocked tube and dh slow sperm had clomid and on metformin, never had a bfp. We took my mum away for 2 nights and we had this conversation, my mums response was "look, just forget about it, try for another couple of years, if it ends up you cant have kids tough just get on with it" when I tried to challenge her for not even trying to understand and when I asked her how she could begin to try and tell me how I should feel when she has had myself and my sister by accident she said " im walking away from you, you are gonna have to get over it and get on with it". That was a week ago, we are normally very close but now I feel like she has pushed me away, pushed me too far to the point were I cant even look at her. I mentioned it to my husband who has been supportive but his response was "look how you dealt with x getting pregnant who is supposed to be your best friend" as you can imagine when my best friend fell pregnant I was overjoyed but at the same time very very envious and upset for me (however selfish that may sound) my response to my husband was " does that not just tell you how much im not in control of how I feel". I cannot understand how people, your closest family can be so cruel. I have now decided to myself that I will never discuss 'the situation' again with anyone but my best friend (who is 27 weeks preg after trying for 14 months with poor dh sperm). I feel so hurt and let down by the people who should be supporting me the most.

sorry for rant xx

 

[oliveoyl]

Sorry to hear you are feeling unsupported alison. I think some people find it difficut to understand the pain when you have difficulty TTC. I'm sorry your mother isn't being more understanding. I am glad you have your best friend to talk with. Hugs.

 

[Tigger Momma]

I havent gone through the same thing exactly.............Noone other than my husband knows how I feel and even sometimes he's telling me to chill out. It gets very frustrating................Ive just hit ANOTHER fertility brick wall myself, been TTC for almost 2 years now, with no BFP ever.................All I can say is you aren't alone. I'm about to go on BC pills because doc wont prescribe clomid anytime soon. I figure that will give me some peace and I can stop thinking about it. Im gonna do the Nuva ring or something cause I know taking that pill everyday is too much of a reminder of what I'm doing.

 

[chele]

don't forget you've got all us on here to talk to. I know it's no consolation for having someone close to you, just your friend, but we're always here to talk and help you

 

[CurlySue]

People who haven't been through it don't understand. They try to but they never will. You can't relate to something this 'big' if you've never experienced it. You get people saying "I know how you feel," but do they? Do they really? Unless they have 'walked in our shoes' how can they understand?

They say tactless things because they don't realise what they're saying isn't helping. They tell us to relax. To chill out. They tell us "it took us four months to get pregnant so I know how hard it must be" - they try to be of comfort yet they can't be, because they don't know how this all feels.

I suppose we shouldn't really judge them for that. We wouldn't wish it on them. But, it is a very isolating experience, if nobody has been through it...

 

[hayley352]

ive had a similar experience, my supposedly best friend starting trying after me and now shes 25 weeks pregnant, she was never on the pill and didnt need any help. she has said stuff to me like, 'this morning sickness is really getting me down to the point i wish i hadn't gotten pregnant' and 'ive only got 15 weeks left to, it needs to slow down im not ready'

WTF!!!! why get pregnant then!!!! she has also not even bothered to ask about my treatment so at this moment in time she is not being a very good friend, i know how it feels to have someone say something so insensitive and not think before they speak.

we are all here for each other, we all know how each other feels and im so glad i found you all xx

 

[ladypink]

unfortunately, family and even friends don't understand what we are going through. My mum is always saying the wrong thing! In the middle of a row this week due to a very horrible comment from my boss which left me feeling worthless, my mum said that because we've been low about trying that it must be afffecting my work! When you need support, sometimes people just aren't there for you! TTC is the hardest thing I've ever been through and I don't think people can understand unless they have been through the same. Stand your ground and speak to your mum, explain how you feel and that this is a time when you need her to understand. Big hugs xxx

 

[Welly]

Thank you so much for such a great thread, it's a relief to know i'm not alone.

Alison, i'm so sorry for how your mum treated you, that is not nice. The only explanation I can come up with, and I am scraping the barrell, but maybe your mum just doesn't know what to say, and maybe she's working on the assumption that if you stop trying, it will just happen .... as 'they' like to tell us all the time

We've been ttc our second child for 2½ years and we are suffering from unexplained secondary infertility. It is heart breaking. I know we are blessed to have a child, but it is soul destroying when your child asks you why he hasn't got a brother or sister to play with like the other kids at school.

My family have completely shocked me with their reactions to our situation. I never expected there to be so little sympathy. They all breed like rabbits and a cousin who fell pregnant with her first when me and dh had been ttc for 6 months, is now 20 weeks pregnant with her second!! They didn't even have the decency to tell us face to face, they announced it on bloody facebook!

I am sick of being told that it will happen when we stop thinking about it. Although i'm sure that once the stress has gone it will help things.

One cousin though has really taken the p*ss. She has been my rock for the past year, she's sat and listened whenever i've needed to chat. Then I found out a few weeks ago that she has been slating me to others saying that she feels like she's walking on egg shells when i'm around. She has also warned them against me saying that they shouldn't tell me that they are pregnant because it will push me over the edge!!! I do get upset when I hear of pregnancies but only ever with dh in the privacy of our own home!

The same cousin and I were chatting a month ago, I told her that if I wasn't pregnant by Xmas then I would probably go on the pill and give myself a break from ttc for a while. She rolled over on the sofa laughing and holding her stomach. I asked her what was so funny, and she said "why on earth would you go oin the pill? It's not like you're going to get accidentally pregnant is it???" I explained to her that by being on the pill I wouldn't have to live the 2ww every cycle and be thinking of swimmers whenever dh and I got jiggy. I found her reaction so humiliating and totally embarrassing.

Oh, then there is my future sil. She actually pre-warned me in May that her and my brother would be ttc in January! Just to let me know in case it happened quickly for them!!! Obviously i'm such a sodding state that I will still be ttc then! Gggrrrr, people make me so mad!

Sorry for the massive post, but this subject really gets me going

 

[alison011177]

Thank you for all your advice, it really really does hurt when they really havent got a lcue and quite frankly really are not bothered. I dont feel sorry for myself (apart from those days when I am on my own and have a good cry but that doesnt count ) all I ask is that my mum of all people at least listen to me when I need to talk-sometimes i wish I could sow her this site to show her that there isnt only me who feels like i do! When my best friend got pregnant I was trying to explain to her that I was so excited but so upset at the same time my mums response was "dont you dare ruin it for her" I think I should have known then 25 weeks ago to keep my mouth shut!

We will get there one day im sure all of us, in the mean time I cant help but feel when it finally does happen will I want my mum to have anything to do with it, thats how bad she has hurt me!

al x

 

[Trying4ever]

Its just shit isn't it? Pure and utter total crap and a pile of shite.

 

[Trying4ever]

Excuse my french but I too am in the same boat.......I don't discuss it fully with my mum...after 3 and half years of trying when my mum asked AGAIN when i was having kids ...I presumed cos I had been going through all this treatment it wont be far off now...so i said soon....now she calls me every fricken cycle saying 'have you tested yet?'

WTF no need to put even more pressure on me that my flippin mum is monitoring my frickin sexual life!!!!

She'll then say some crap like your not trying enough...you need to spend more time together....take time off work (which I may agree with actually) but she just wont understand.

I have practically told my sister i'm having problems and she just says 'oh yeah we have been trying for our 3rd for 6 months now' sooooo bloody insensitive.

 

[Trying4ever]

We will get there one day im sure all of us, in the mean time I cant help but feel when it finally does happen will I want my mum to have anything to do with it, thats how bad she has hurt me!

al x

I've thought that aswell.....but I'm sure we'll all be running to our mums first as soon as we get our :BFP: 's

 

[honeycat]

I'm sorry about the lack of support from your family. I know how that feels as I have the same thing from mine, plus I have my mom who thinks we are going against God because we are using fertility treatment.
It is so hard to go through this, but then to have the people close to you to not understand just makes it all the more harder.
I hate that most people do not and can not understand IF. Not that I wish that they have to suffer it, but that they could at least understand the pain involved, just like someone knows a cancer patient suffers pain. You would never tell someone suffering from cancer just get over it and die already.
The thing I hate most about IF though is that it is abnormal, that being that you are suppose to get married and have children. Everyone does it. Not having kids you are looked at funny. You are an outcast, not part of the crowd like everyone else. Having children and raising a family is such a huge part of people's lives and not being able to experience that I feel cheated. I can't even turn on tv without seeing babies and families.

 

[BizyBee]

Ugh, that's awful. I'm sorry you had to deal with such insensitive comments. Each cycle is hard enough. You don't deserve any extra stress!

I have not told my family we are TTC and I am so glad I've kept quiet. After 14 months TTC, I don't think I could handle my mom/sister calling me and checking on my status all the time. That might just push me over the edge.

 

[Nathyrra]

I don't think ignorance is a good enough excuse for a lack of tack, especially towards your own daughter. Sure she never had to go through what you've been through. It's not her life. Actually I get shocked at stories like yours. There's no need for it. Just because I haven't been in the place of someone suffering a god awful disease or something, doesn't mean I'm going to turn around and say 'Ah well, tough luck to you' or 'if you haven't fought it off within x amount of time, you should just give up on life' It can't always be the excuse, some people are just morons in general. Ignorant or not.

We don't need their 'cure all' answers and wiseguy remarks. We just need them to give us a shoulder to cry on, and tell us they're thinking about us. It's not rocket science.

The sad thing is, each and every one of us probably has a story to tell quite simular to yours regarding one person or another supposedly close to us.

*sigh*

We'll get there chick, one way or another. You're amongst friends here.

 

[MillieMoo]

I agree!!!