To talk or not to talk? Advice please! (Rant warning)

[CocoMia]

Hi All,

Its been a Long Time since I've been on here but I feel like I have to get something off my chest before my head explodes!

We've been NTNP for about 5 years and only in the last 2 years we've been told that with PCOS, Hypothyroid and a poor morphology count that our chances really aren't as good as they could be.

I always had my suspicions so had mentioned it to friends as you do when they ask 'when will you guys have a baby?' Only now that things are serious, investigations are frequent and overwhelming and we are both an emotional mess do I hate talking to anyone about 'it'. My friends don't know the details and they only know there's obviously been some delay but every question of 'how are things' or 'any news on the baby front?' Makes me so angry and upset and send me into a flood of tears. It's awful and tiring and it's making me avoid any girls meet ups because I don't want to be asked - I know they won't react how I want them to and they won't understand how all consuming it is so I haven't filled them in on anything that's currently going on with the hospital.

I've now been told they are really sad that I'm shutting them all out! Is it unfair to think; suck it up! I'm going trough far worse?!!

Have you told your friends the details? Do you think it's unreasonable to want to keep the journey details to just you, your partner and parents?

Thanks in advance (apologies for the book!!)

Mia x

 

[bamluby]

Welcome back, Mia!!

It is so good to see you on here again (granted, I obviously wish the circumstances were different.) I am so sorry to hear about the struggles you have been facing. Navigating this journey really can be so much more overwhelming and emotionally draining than people understand, so it makes sense that you would feel hesitant to talk to friends about it!

I know for me, I go back and forth with my decision on how much to share with friends. On one hand, I want to be able to share occasional struggles on the journey with them, because it IS consuming and I often feel like I am about to explode if I don't. On the other hand, my friends typically don't understand even though I know they are trying their best to understand. Then, I find myself regretting the fact that I opened up because I get irritated and emotional hearing the "just relax" advice. I would say most of my close friends know approximately how long we have been TTC, and that I am taking clomid, but I only have one friend that I occasionally share more with.

I don't think it is unreasonable at all to keep the details to yourself! You should only ever share as much as you are comfortable with. I avoid get togethers too sometimes. For instance, one of my friends wanted to get together this evening before we go out to celebrate a friend's birthday, but I am in too much of a funk to hang out for any great length of time.

I am sorry to hear that your friends think you are shutting them out; do they know you feel uncomfortable opening up about the details of this specific situation? Let me know if you ever need someone to talk to! I know some days I just need someone to listen, and just be there and allow me to be sad for a little while without giving unsolicited advice.

I'm sending HUGE hugs your way!

 

[Topanga053]

My two cents?

It's not unreasonable to do anything you want to do in this situation. Share every last detail (hell, even put your appointments on their calendars!), only share some details, or share nothing at all. This is your journey and you have enough pain/stress in your life right now. You should do whatever makes YOU feel good.

With that said, if you choose not to share everything but also don't feel like answering questions like "what's going on on the baby front?" all the time, here's what I would suggest: Get all of your friends together or send them all an e-mail/Facebook message and tell them that you're still struggling with infertility, but that it's painful for you to share all of the details and that sometimes, frankly, you just don't feel like talking about it. Tell them that you'd rather them not ask you what's happening with it (assuming that's the case) and that you promise you will tell them whenever you have news you want to share, whether that's good or bad. I would also tell them that you really appreciate all of their support and their friendship is really important to you, especially right now.

That way you're keeping the lines of communication open, they feel heard and respected (and don't feel shut out anymore), but you also clearly establish your expectations, so you don't always have to be fielding questions about your fertility when you're having a bad day and don't feel like talking about it. If they're good friends, I think they will more than understand and just be grateful that you're sharing with them. They will probably also be glad that you're telling them what you need. It can be difficult for someone who has not experienced a loss/infertility to know how to react around friends who have. They probably don't want to say the wrong thing, so guidance on what YOU need would probably be refreshing to them. Some women want to talk about the loss/infertility, others never do. Until you tell them what YOU need, they're probably constantly worried about doing/saying the wrong thing.

Good luck and I really hope you get your BFP soon!

 

[mummy2_1]

Topanga that's great advice I'd just add do it in person rather then message. But def a great option

 

[bamluby]

I agree ^^^, that would be a great way to navigate the situation!

 

[CocoMia]

Hi ladies - apologies for the delay in responding. After a meltdown I went away to stay with my brother because I just couldn't handle any more stress - obviously running away was not at all helpful and just meant I brought it all with me but was away from hubby so couldn't get anything off of my chest!!

I am taking your fantastic and honest advice and I've called an informal coffee date with the girls. I've practiced what I'm going to say and it will be on the lines of I love you but everything is too hard at the moment. I'll talk when I'm ready to.

I honestly can't tell you how much I appreciate your advice. There were some terribly sad moments over the last few weeks and I've always run to my best gf's but in this situation it's the first time that hasn't felt right.

I wish you all well and now I'm back I will be stopping in regularly. I certainly don't have all the answers as you can tell but if anyone needs a friendly ear that isn't their nearest and dearest (who is not normally this down - honestly!) then please just let me know as I would be glad to return the kindness.

Best wishes,

Mia xx