Traumatic memories left from MC

[BunnyN]

I'm not really sure where to put this but I guess this is the only place that makes sense. My MC was over 2 years ago. At the time I was broken hearted. The emotional part was definitely the worst but during the last two years I have come to terms with that. I still feel sadness when I think about my lost baby but it is not the unbearable grief of the first months it is a kind of comfortable sadness (I am not sure if that even makes sense but it's the best way I can think of putting it). It helps that we have 3 lovely children, including one from after my MC.

Now physically my MC didn't go to well. I hemorrhaged and went into shock. At the time my OH was pretty traumatised by how close he came to loosing me but it was the least of my worries. I survived, my baby didn't that was all I really cared about. After a while it hit me just how close it had actually been. I read about shock from blood loss and realised I had gone through every stage, except death. Then I kind of freaked out and physically shook thinking about the whole thing. Thankfully I am here to tell the story but all this time later I find there are still some images in my mind that I find quite disturbing. For some reason I have a super vivid memory of sitting on the toilet and looking at my hands that were covered in blood. There were also huge amounts of blood clots. I bled for 6 weeks after. I was quite shaken after when I got my first period which was super heavy. Getting pregnant again was very healing for me but the day after he was born I remember crying and shaking about the blood (which was normal post natal blood loss). Now it seems silly for a grown woman who has never been in the slightest squeamish but I still find getting my period quite unsettling. I'm hoping that will wear off with time because it's only been 6 months since I got my cycle back after pregnancy and breastfeeding with my youngest.

I don't really know what I want to say here. I guess it just seems like it will do me good to put it into words and maybe someone can relate. I imagine even those that had a 'normal' MC are often left with traumatic memories of the physical process. The ladies on here have always been a great support through pregnancy and MC.

 

[LilFooshFoosh]

Hi bunny, sorry for your loss and the terrifying experience that you had! I understand what you mean when you say comfortable sadness. For me it's been 4 years, I can talk about my loss but I can't think about the specifics without breaking down entirely.

It's sort of sounds like ptsd. Have you talked to your doctor about it? I'm sorry I'm not much help, just wanted to let you know I get it.

 

[BunnyN]

Thanks hun. I did wonder about ptsd closer to the time. There were a few times after that flashbacks really made me emotionally and physically shaken. The last time I felt like that was just after ds was born. I haven't had any incidents like that since then, which was over a year ago. Now I it's not nearly as dramatic but the memories are still somewhat unsettling.

 

[Meezerowner]

Oh my goodness this is the first time I have heard someone describe the same thing!

I had a traumatic mc 6 years ago and then got pregnant again after one cycle. By the time my cycle came back after my rainbow it would have been 2 years since the mc and every AF I would freak out and flash back. I would have to remind myself that it was normal and I wasn't pregnant so it didn't matter. It lasted a good while but I have to say it has stopped now I cant tell how long it went on for and didn't notice when I started to feel ok again with AF.

I am sorry for your loss and hope that time will soften the trauma for you too. It might be helpful to get some counselling if possible - I should have done this in hindsight.

 

[BunnyN]

Thanks so much for your reply I am so sorry about your loss and traumatic experience but it is nice to know that I am not the only one. It is d also nice to know that it improved for you with time. I think the same will happen for me also as it is already much better than it was.

 

[dakotarose]

Hi Bunny,

Im so sorry, I went through something very similar and it is still traumatizing, a year and a half later. I had 3 healthy pregnancies so I thought that one would be a breeze. We announced it to everyone at 12 weeks because, you know, your supposedly safe after that point. at 13 weeks I started having painful contractions and went into the ER. They told me there was no way I could be having contractions yet there I was and they couldn't explain the horrible pain I was going through. They did an HCG test-cam back great. They even did an ultrasound, and there was my baby, kicking around, great heartbeat. At that point, they have no idea whats going on but discharged me, even though I was in so much pain, i could barely walk. My mom was helping me walk me and my toddler next door to my OB because there was still something wrong. My OB listened to the heartbeat and said everything is fine....just ligament pain. I told her, I have had 3 pregnancies and I can tell you, this isn't ligament pain. Nope, sent us on our way.

My water broke in the hospital parking lot. I went home, thinking I just peed myself, still trying to stay positive. I ended up in my bathroom, alone, covered in blood while my baby was born. We then I had to bring my baby back into the clinic and I asked my OB if I needed an ultrasound to make sure I passed everything and she simply said no. Let me tell you, a week later, I was in the ER and had to have an emergency D&C because I was hammering that bad. They had blood on standby because I lost so much of it and my blood pressure was extremely low.

That still haunts me to this day. Last Christmas, I was adding red food coloring to some dough for my cookies so my hands were covered in red dye...I freaked out and instantly flashed back to when I lost the baby and my hands were covered in blood. I really hope this goes away, but it is so difficult. The pain is still raw and with the other losses right after, I feel like I lose more of myself each time. I am with you lady, this is some tough stuff we are going through. I really hope it gets better for all of us.

 

[BunnyN]

Wow, what an experience. Thank you for sharing. So sorry for what you went through but it's nice that I don't feel like the only one anymore. It sounds like they really slipped up on your care. Especially with not following up afterwards. It must have been extra shocking when you had seen your baby aparently doing well such a short time before. I also know when my waters went but I already knew I was having a MC at that point. I can totally understand about the red food dye. Its funny how small things can trigger memories. After over 2 years I can say it has gotten much better for me but it hasn't gone altogether. I hope it continues to fade.