Trying for #2 but absolutely terrified - anyone else?

[justmeinlove]

Hi,

I really hope there are some more people like me out there, as whilst I am pretty sure I do want to have another as a sibling for my DD, I am so so regularly overwhelmed with absolute fear at the idea - and I want some support on why it's happening and what it means.

Watching my DD, I really want to give her a sibling, who I so so hope she would love and would love her. I want to give her a buddy against the world (which is so broken it scares me), I want her to have someone to play with growing up and on holidays. I watch her look after and cheer up younger children of friends and oh, it's heart-melting. She seems v up for the idea too, has said she will share her toys with the baby etc, it's lovely. Even ok with sharing her mummy milk apparently...!

But - whilst I can see it being lovely - I am so so scared. Our DD was a horrible arrival - emcs, absolutely terrifying, gave my hb ptsd/pnd, he was so scared I was going to die. I felt zero bond and one didn't develop for over a year - she was a silent reflux baby (undiagnosed for months) who basically screamed ALL the time and didn't sleep. It felt completely like my / our life had been utterly ruined and I was going through the motions of looking after her because she had to be looked after for more than a year.
She still doesn't sleep through the night.
Now I do absolutely adore her - but I have no good memories of the idea of having a baby. None. It was a hellish nightmare that I am so glad we got through. But could we live through that again? I don't know :\ And I am scared, so SO scared to put us back in that place and find out it's hell Again

We didn't really have any support network when DD arrived, it was just us. Now I do have a few friends and think I would probably get a baby shower But I think our temptation would be to fast-track the life plan of moving to Cornwall (with jobs) to be by the beach and cash in some of our property value so that hb could stay home for the first year. That might make it work. And hopefully friends would come and visit a LOT (free holiday, right?)

Anyway, basically if I picture DD and another toddler, it sounds awesome! Another baby makes me feel sick on the bad days/nights (and basically I seem to alternate every 12 hours atm).

Please help. Does anyone else out there feel that way? Did anyone else have that experience and it worked out well?

We're also quite financially tight which scares me too. I love my hb SO much and we're just about starting to get some time together every now and then now. I don't want to lose that. Can you have a baby, a second baby even, and be happy?

 

[justmeinlove]

Hmmm, today has just reminded me too that one of the worst things about being pregnant and the early months (bar reflux and no sleep) was my hb was ill So much. We found out I was pregnant and then he was ill for two months straight with two forms of food poisoning. He doesn't get paid when sick so that was £1k gone right away. And I couldn't be excited about being pregnant, I was just constantly stressed about him. On top of that he got ambulanced into hospital once and another a&e visit for reasons I.can't remember.

All of which Is awful. My poor love. But at the same time I couldn't relax or be excited, so much of the time was being stressed about him or none.

He was ill again today, had to go home to sleep and all the 'omg it will all be up to me' stress came flooding back.

He's utterly awesome when not ill though!

 

[AngelofTroy]

I can completely understand what you're feeling, I hated pregnancy, I was really really sick for months and had so much time off work, and Micah was also a difficult baby at first, with undiagnosed lip and tongue ties, so although I really wanted another child I was terrified when we started TTC #2, now it's been 5 cycles with no luck and I'm desperate for a baby now! I think having to work at it this time has made me more sure of what I want.

I hope you can make sense of your feelings, and try to remember that the baby days are really so very short, They'll be over before you know it!

 

[justmeinlove]

Yes, I know, but it feels so long when it's happening ;-) but yes, and thank you