TTC After a Loss and jealous

[EllieTTC]

It's been 3 months since my miscarriage and it's been hard. My pregnancy was a surprise and it felt so natural and easy! I was so happy when I found out the news. I miscarried 17 weeks in which was hard emotionally and physically. Tracking my ovulating and dtd doesn't seem as magical after my loss. It's my first real cycle tracking and I am 11dpo with bfn. I didn't test positive until a week after my cycle last pregnancy so I wasn't expecting anything, but it's still disheartening. I know I should wait till I miss AF this Saturday, but It feels like everywhere I go someone has a newborn baby or an adorable bump reminding me of what I am missing.I get so jealous missing my last jelly bean and wanting my sticky baby to finally be here. I'm sort of taking it out on myself for not being able to concieve right away and it's making my DH upset as well. It feels so good to be on this forum and talk about my jealousy, impatience, and excitement for my first child to be conceived. Luckily I have been having all the signs I had my last pregnancy this week! Not sure if it's PMS or symptoms but wish me luck everyone! Any support or kind words would be so helpful for my heart. Also tell me what tests give you ladies the the fastest results!

 

[drudai]

I'm sorry for you loss, ellie. We're here to listen when you want to vent... It's much easier to voice frustration over text than to try and talk with people in RL isn't it?

11 dpo is pretty early, I'm keeping fingers x'd for you. I'll be looking out for those hpt pictures.

 

[EllieTTC]

Thanks for the hugs and support Drudai it means a lot! I agree that it is terribly easier to talk online than with the people in my life. I've felt pretty isolated not having anyone to talk to about this.

I will definitely keep you posted and will post my BFP the second I get it! Thanks for the crossed fingers!

 

[karoolia]

I'm so sorry you had to go through that. Feeling jealous or sad when you see others is completely normal. You are happy for them because none of us would wish a miscarriage on our worst enemy, but at the same time it is like a wrench to the heart everytime you see a pregnant woman or baby. You think "that should be me" or "why can all these other women have children when I can't". They are difficult and conflicting emotions, but I think most of us experience them.

Good luck TTC! 11 DPO is still early so you're not out. You may be surprised how quickly it happens. When it does (fair warning) there is a whole new emotional roller coaster.

 

[EllieTTC]

Thanks for your condolences Karoolia I feel like something is wrong with my body for not being able to concieve right away. I would never wish a loss of a pregnancy on anyone it is so heart breaking and something you don't ever get over. It's so nice to have people to talk to about how upsetting this is for me. My dream is to have my first baby be a girl and I know at least 5 pregnant women who are having girls and it crushes me every time I see them. I'm crazy excited they are having healthy babies, but it makes me want those cute pregnancy announcement shirts and healthy baby of my own so much more and I'm getting terribly impatient . Thanks for letting me vent! I hope you're right that this will all start to happen quickly, because I find myself counting the hours till AF. I'm hoping having these symptoms are all a good sign that this is the month. You've been very kind

 

[MindUtopia]

It's really tough and what you're feeling is really normal. So many of my friends got pregnant at the same time (due at the same time as I would have been) and all of them were announcing their pregnancies just as I was having a mc. It was about 3 months from finding out about the mc until I found out I was pregnant again (mc itself took 3 weeks, then we took a month off until I got my period again and we tried again after my first period and got pregnant that first cycle). But it was literally 3 months of listening to everyone's happy news and feeling like I couldn't talk about it with anyone (I was 11 weeks so we hadn't really told anybody). My friends who are pregnant are my age or older (I'm 36) and having their first and all so excited. I knew rationally I should be happy for them, but I really just wanted to stab them in the face! I felt such rage about it all. There was literally one day after a particularly rough day at work when I was so depressed about it all, so I got a glass of wine for the train home (I have a 2 hour commute several days a week). And then this pregnant woman with her cute bump sat down next to me. I was literally still bleeding from the mc and here is this pregnant woman looking all glowing while I downed my glass of wine and wanted to cry. I literally wanted to shove her off the seat! But I knew it was irrational and I knew eventually it would get better. Finding out I was pregnant again was actually really healing, after the initially panic and fear. Hopefully it is for you soon too (btw, I also got a total BFN at 10 dpo despite loads of symptoms and feeling just awful, and I was devastated, it wasn't until 16 dpo when I still felt horrible and my period never came that that I tested again and it was positive). So hang in there. What you're feeling is really normal and there is still plenty of time this cycle too.

 

[EllieTTC]

Thanks MindUtopia for that encouraging post! I cried reading it because I can relate to it so deeply. I work with a lady who is pregnant with a girl and I resent her so deeply it's hard not to snap at her when she talks about the baby because she is as pregnant as I would have been... Honestly the only thing that gives me hope lately is to think about making a new baby. Last month when I got first period after my miscariage I realized I needed to start trying again and it's been healing but also a little unhealthy for me. Getting pregnant is all I can think about or talk about with my DH and the wait has become unbearable.

I am so happy you conceived right after your loss! The fact that it has helped heal your heart gives me so much hope How far are you right now? I hope you get the baby of your dreams! I'm so excited for you!! I'm really hoping my first cycle is my lucky cycle too! I am wishing with all my heart that these symptoms that I had with my first pregnancy than I am currently having again are a sign that I'm going to get my BFP this Saturday instead of AF!

Thank you again for your kind words it has lifted my spirits so much! I am so happy for you and your sticky baby! You truly deserve it

 

[xxxjessxxx]

I lost my baby April 24th at 3 months. Ive had previous miscarriages but they were 'easier' per say. Being further along with this one i had to go into labour and birth it. Lost lots of blood and then placenta got stuck. Even after that i then had retained product. I completely get what you mean by being emotionally and physically drained from it all.
Everyone says it will get easier just give it time but i dont know about you but im findong it harder as time goes on?
I miss my bump.. so much. And i get the pains of jealousy as soon as i see a pregnant lady or bump. I think its normal for us to.
Dont feel bad for having those feelings either. We're human.
You'll get your rainbow baby when the time is right. I know its hard. I want it now too. But it will happen for us hun. Keep strong and message me if you ever want to xxx