Update on my situation

[surprisechild]

Not been on here in ages. I still read what people have been going through. My username used to be "surprisebaby" but have now got a new username.

Anyway my situation is I have a three year old daughter that does not have anything to do with her father (he didn't want anything to do with her), He hasn't paid a penny towards her upbringing and has never seen her.

Have tried to go through csa lots of times and it always comes back nil assessment, because he was studying. But now all of a sudden there is a change and the inland revenue has come back with the information that he has an employer!!!!!!!! So hopefully he's not just volunteering somewhere and I can get money for the first time.

He has been horrible in the past. Ignoring all my emails, calls, attempts to discuss situation, his family have been the same, so to get this good news with the csa is really great for me, because he has taken no responsibility so far.

I have to call back the csa in 3 weeks because they should have what his earnings are then. Does anyone know long it should take from here or what the process is?

 

[Dezireey]

It depends. Sometimes it takes weeks, sometimes months. The CSA called me quite regularly and texted to update with progress. Even when FOB stalled to say LO wasn't his, they called me. Just make sure that if you don't hear from them, you contact them to be updated. It's a waiting game now with all the procedures and paperwork.

Glad you got results in the end. It's the only closure or justice we can have sometimes ( getting them to help financially through CSA) and its always upsetting when you can't even get that off the *******s. So it will make you feel better when he starts paying. Made me feel loads better.

 

[surprisechild]

Oh that's so good to hear. I felt so good when it came back from the Inland Revenue that he had a job! It just feels so good to think he will start paying me this year! Not just because of having the extra money,but for the satisfaction of him not continuing to hide from all responsibility. I can't wait for the CSA to start writing letters to him with the assessment on asking for money for my daughter! Wow that will be a great feeling. Glad you're getting money now. Thanks for reply. Apparently it should be backdated from Feb of this year. Do you think this may cause him to rethink how he doesn't see her?

 

[Mummy1995]

To be honest it might. But she's 3 years old and imo yes a dad is important, but if he's only gonna bother because he's having money taken from him, then he doesn't deserve her and she doesn't need him. Imo bringing a stranger into her life would just confuse her too much. Just my opinion though x

 

[surprisechild]

I can't imagine him having the guts to come back into her life but you never know. He really is missing out.

I so hope he has a good paying job so it's a larger amount for my daughter.

It's almost four years ago since this whole thing happened. Getting pregnant by my boyfriend and then being dumped as soon as he found out. I often wondered what the future would bring. I did think that he would have wanted to see her and it has shocked me that he never did. I definitely don't feel as hurt, but I do get the odd times where I feel hurt about the situation. I really do have a greater bond with my daughter, because of it all and I am proud that the way she has turned out is totally to do with me. And she is a lovely confident and happy three year old and hasn't actually missed out at all, even though I think in an ideal situation a father is very important.

I do wonder again what the next 5 or 10 years will bring. Will he ever want to see her? Will I manage to find a new guy to be her father? So many unknowns.

 

[Dezireey]

I think that as long as the Mother is a good Mother and she provides a safe, happy and very loving home, a child wants for nothing. If you never had a father in your life, there is nothing to miss is there?

Yes, she will probably wonder about things as she gets older but like my son, she will know that you did everything in your power like me, to convince her father to be a father and it didn't work. Kids understand a lot and I am sure that they will totally understand that Mummy did her best and the fault lies totally at the biological father's feet.

All we can do as Mums in these situations, is do our very best and love them with all our heart.

 

[LastBabyforMe]

I am new to this site but I followed your experience as my situation is very similar. I am currently pregnant from a very casual relationship. When I informed him that I was pregnant he was adamant that we should abort the pregnancy. After careful reflection I am convinced that I want my child.

He has stopped speaking and does not contact and that is fine. I have two children from my previous marriages and I already know from prior experience that men tend to come in their on time if at all. And if they contact it is usually fleeting and is not something dependable. To that end I have grown quite resilient to such situations.

As for your situation, it astonishes me that your FOB never contacted. But as I grow older I become more aware of how selfish men can be. I am not downing all men, but from my experience (and picking the wrong ones obviously) they seem to care more about satisfying the needs of their life first and have great difficulty putting others before their own needs.

I am very sorry for what you have gone through, but I honestly feel that the FOB will be the same way in my experience. But it is his loss.

Good luck to you.

 

[Angeltk42]

I'm still pregnant so I don't know how FOB will be after the baby is born. Right now things are going good between us after a rough spot. But i wanted to tell you my story.

My Mom and Father were HS sweethearts my father was about a year older than my mom and he got my mom pregnant with me and blatantly told my mom I DON'T WANT KIDS! They were 20 and 21. My mom chose to have me and raise me as a single mom.

My Father lived less than a 1/4 of a mile away from me, in the same town, my WHOLE life and I never met him, spoke to him or anything. If I saw him on the street I wouldn't have been able to tell you he was my father.
Did I have the curiosity as i got older to meet him OH YEAH I DID. I made a feable attempt when I was a teenager and wrote a letter. NO RESPONSE. On my 21st Birthday he showed up at my mom's job and asked her if it was my 21st birthday that day. She said yes and he was like OH OK and walked out. My mom was so excited thinking he wanted to have contact with me finally. I looked at her dumbfounded and said "HE JUST WANTS TO KNOW BECAUSE HE DOESN"T WANT TO PAY CHILDSUPPORT ANYMORE!" Her face sunk and she realized I was right. She was always optimistic with my Father because ironically over my life she stayed in sporadic communication with him. He was an alcoholic and basically chose alcohol over me.

He died in 2008, no one contacted me. I found out about a month later via a rumor in our small town. I cried because I would never get to talk to him and find out what personality traits we shared. Never see if the color of his eyes were closer to mine than my mom's. I never got to tell him THANK YOU for not being in my life and subjecting me to alcoholism. Or tell him that even though he wasn't there i was so loved by my Grandparents, aunts, uncles etc that i never even missed his presence! I still wish I met him just once and talked to him but it wasn't meant to be and in the long run I realize I did have a dad and I called him (Papa) it way my grandfather! He raised me from birth, provided for me, read me books every night when I was a little girl, Kissed my boo boo's and Loved me more than any other man ever has or ever will.

It truly doesn't matter about biology because a close relative or friend can be a daddy to your LO... it doesn't have to be the Lo's Biological father. Just thought I would share