venting...

[IndieGirl]

I gave birth to my daughter almost 2 months ago at 19weeks 4days. I lost her due to infection.

I'm a cashier at a grocery store, and I see atleast 3 pregnant women a day when I work. Today I saw a woman who was a couple days past her due date. I know I shouldn't have said anything ,but I told her she was lucky. She kinda laughed it off. I didn't tell her why I thought she was lucky because I know that it would make her feel bad.. and it would be inappropriate for me to do.

Not long after she left my line, I started to cry a little bit. =/ My boyfriend txt'd me at work asking how it was going. I replied Eh, okay. Of course he asked why I said eh.. and I told him I got upset because I saw the full term pregnant woman.

His response was " babe you really need to move on , toughen up, and realize life is full of pregnant women and children."

I told him not to hate... then he said "Who said anything about hating? It's called reality and most people live in it"

I'm so mad at him. I don't cry everytime I see a pregnant woman. I'm grieving the loss of our baby girl. I miss her so much.. and I just feel jealous of other ladies who have kids and/or are pregnant. Abigail was my first child and I lost her. I know guys grieve differently than women.

The first couple weeks after her death he was there for me and was very supportive. Now, if I show any sign of grief I get told I need to move on.

I am.....It's not like I stopped working. I feel so angry right now.

 

[Andypanda6570]

I am so deeply sorry for your loss . I lost my Ava at 20 weeks. I gave birth to her in my bathroom , went to the hospital was released after 3 hours then we buried her on 3-11-2011 Nobody understands what we are going through, they let us grieve for a time they think is sufficient then they say oh it is time to get over it now. What everyone does not know is we Never get over this, we carry it forever. They just do not understand so ignore their ignorance. This is just how it is, we will grieve always, but it will ease, I promise. I was getting better now my Sister-In-Law is 25 weeks pregnant and seeing her kills me and knowing it is probably a girl is another blow to me, i don't know how I am going to get through the birth and so on, I just have to find a way.. If you ever need to talk I am here.. Andrea..XOXOOXOOXO

 

[nicksi27]

im so sorry you lost your little angel abigail and find yourself on this section. Ive been though this with my OH too. He seemed to be able to cope better than me straight away and i just felt helpless. Him being able to 'move on'' faster than me made me upset and so angry, i felt like he didnt care. I just dont think men understand. Obviously they are hurting too and they have lost their LO but they dont understand the empiness that a woman feels. One minute we are growing this little baby and the next day its all over, its the most painful thing in the world - all the hopes and dreams have been snatched away. My OH was EXACTLY the same - was so supportive for a few weeks after then after this i felt like he was getting sick of me moping around and crying - i dont think he did this on purpose i genuinly think he just didnt understand what i was feeling because he didnt feel it himself. He constantly wanted to get up and do things and it just pissed me off to be honest.I still have bad days now where i feel hopeless and that ill never be a mum etc etc and i get the impression that he just thinks im a depressing pessimist, it causes rows sometimes. Hes an 'always look on the bright side' sort of person and im totally not. I think after you lose a baby your positivity is lost as well, i feel like a totally changed person. Sending you and your little angel lots of hugs x

 

[juicyrainbows]

That's really mean... 2 months is not enough time to 'move on' and you will never really move on, you will just accept. I am sorry for the loss of your baby girl. Maybe have a talk with him and explain to him that you can't just get over it like he can, and it hurts to keep everything bundled up inside... :/

 

[paulmcmn]

Hi,

We're still very early on in our loss. We lost our baby girl at 19w 5d on July 14th this year. We recently went to a SIDS counselling session where I brought this topic up.

I brought up the fact that I (as a man) feel tired, and helpless when it comes to supporting my wife through this time. I'm sure he is like me and wishes he could fix it, but he cant. I was told that all I can do and should do is listen - but I can tell you it's a damn tough job.

I'm not by any means condoning his vent I want to emphasise we do understand, we do grieve and we havnt just moved on, we just deal with the grief in different ways.

I've returned to work, and its very difficult for me not to think about how my wife is coping either at work or at home, but at the same time if she is upset, or having a tough time - I'm not sure how I would respond and what I could do - even doing the listening part at work would take me away from work, and then I'd start to worry about what that would do to my job, given I am the breadwinner and already had 3 weeks off to cope.

We're not as far along in the grieving process and I'm not by any means trying to downplay the event, I'm just trying to provide a male point of view.

Paul

 

[Cetarari]

What a lovely post Paul. Firstly, I'm more sorry than I can say for all your losses, how I wish we weren't all 'in the same boat'. In the great scheme of things two months is nothing, we're 6 months later and sometimes I still have bad days. However, the bad days are less and less and I can look at our Emmy's pictures and her baby book and smile for what we had and not always cry for what we lost. It sounds a cliche, but it will get better, and the crying, bitterness, anger and despair are all part of that.

I completely understand about the pregnant woman thing. My step sister was due 2 days after we would have been and had fallen pregnant within 3 months (took us almost 5 years). I dreaded my nephew's birth and didn't know how to cope. As it was my happiness for her trumped my grief, thank goodness, but seeing random pregnant women was too hard for a long time. As well as your grief you have whacky hormones to deal with too, and as Paul says, your OH is probably coping the best he can too. Just talk to him as much as you can, cuddle him and don't shut him out and let him know that although it'll never be the same again, your baby has left footprints across your heart, it won't always be this hard. It will get better.

You'll find the most random things will set you off (certain adverts in my case) and some days will be hellish, then comes the guilt that you're not as upset as you were, but ride it out, you and your OH have been through a terrible time and deserve every happiness in the future. If you ever need to vent throw me a PM, best of luck to you and your OH

 

[nicksi27]

Hi,

We're still very early on in our loss. We lost our baby girl at 19w 5d on July 14th this year. We recently went to a SIDS counselling session where I brought this topic up.

I brought up the fact that I (as a man) feel tired, and helpless when it comes to supporting my wife through this time. I'm sure he is like me and wishes he could fix it, but he cant. I was told that all I can do and should do is listen - but I can tell you it's a damn tough job.

I'm not by any means condoning his vent I want to emphasise we do understand, we do grieve and we havnt just moved on, we just deal with the grief in different ways.

I've returned to work, and its very difficult for me not to think about how my wife is coping either at work or at home, but at the same time if she is upset, or having a tough time - I'm not sure how I would respond and what I could do - even doing the listening part at work would take me away from work, and then I'd start to worry about what that would do to my job, given I am the breadwinner and already had 3 weeks off to cope.

We're not as far along in the grieving process and I'm not by any means trying to downplay the event, I'm just trying to provide a male point of view.

Paul

Thank you for your post paul - its so nice to hear a mans point of view. My OH doesnt really talk about his feelings, he just tries to be strong all the time - ive gotta admit i get annoyed by this but maybe its just his way of coping. im so sorry for your loss - sending you and your family lots of i hope you all find some comfort in the coming months

 

[IndieGirl]

Thank you for all your responses. I decided to drop the topic since it would probably start an argument. He can't understand how it feels. While he does mourn over the loss he didn't physically carry her for 5 months. He doesn't have the same bond. He thinks I should cope like him.

 

[MizzPodd]

Indiegirl

You should not feel bad at all.... You lost a child; and you were the one carrying the precious angel. No one can understand that connection and bond unless they physically go through it themselves. I am still grieving over my beautiful baby boy Dejuan Jr. and some days it feels like I am taking steps back through the grieving process. But everyone grieves in their own way. There is NO wrong way to grieve the loss of a child.... I feel it still because I wanted to protect him, and I blame myself sometimes.
Your partner should understand that this wasn't the loss of a pet or something, but an actual human being that will be loved and missed dearly. His way of coping may be to just move on and not think about it, but that may not be your way. You take all the time you need honey to get through this. I understand about seeing pregnant women everywhere too, it is painful or as well. I think these ladies here will continue to be supportive, and we will all get through this in time. You can PM me whenever you need because I would love to have people to talk to right now...

 

[nicksi27]

Indiegirl

You should not feel bad at all.... You lost a child; and you were the one carrying the precious angel. No one can understand that connection and bond unless they physically go through it themselves. I am still grieving over my beautiful baby boy Dejuan Jr. and some days it feels like I am taking steps back through the grieving process. But everyone grieves in their own way. There is NO wrong way to grieve the loss of a child.... I feel it still because I wanted to protect him, and I blame myself sometimes.
Your partner should understand that this wasn't the loss of a pet or something, but an actual human being that will be loved and missed dearly. His way of coping may be to just move on and not think about it, but that may not be your way. You take all the time you need honey to get through this. I understand about seeing pregnant women everywhere too, it is painful or as well. I think these ladies here will continue to be supportive, and we will all get through this in time. You can PM me whenever you need because I would love to have people to talk to right now...

Im so sorry for your loss. sending you and little dejuan lots of

 

[MamaBare]

I'm really sorry for you loss. I lost a baby at 17 weeks a month ago, and I can understand everything you're saying. My best friend is due shortly after I was, which was going to be awesome, but now, there are times I look at her and I don't even see her anymore. All I see is what she's getting that I won't be.

My husband seemed to be "over it" so quickly, I was really angry with him, but when I brought it up I realised he was just grieving in a different way to me. I think you need to explain what you're thinking, even if you think it's obvious and that nothing is new.
I had a 45 minute talk with my DH when he asked me why I was crying one night explaining what I feel about it. And I just let it all out without worrying about how stupid I sounded. Sounds odd, but it was very cathartic.

I do think it's almost unfair to expect him to get it, he's never carried a child, and so doesn't understand the feeling of one's own body betraying you. He doesn't understand that your body changed and you started thinking of yourself as someone's mother. I can't remember exactly, but I don't think you would have been at the feeling kicks from the outside stage, so for him, it's easier to quash the feelings of loss. It doesn't mean he doesn't care.

I'm struggling with this so badly at the moment. All the typical social structures to help grief don't apply when you have a miscarriage. There's no funeral, no wake, no stories to tell about the deceased, no sympathy cards, no flowers. No one seems to know how to cope with it other than reassuring you that you will have more children. They don't understand that babies aren't commodities and can't be replaced like that. I feel like I am the only one grieving, and it's not just for my baby, but all the hopes and dreams that went along with that too.

Take care of yourself. Everyone I've spoken to says it doesn't ever go away, but that one day I'll go to bed and wake up without thinking of it and that will be okay.

 

[jessandaj]

You shouldint have to get over it or come to reality its something you dont stop thinking about you just learn to deal with it and cope more, i read a post from someone on here who met a women at the cemetery who was had lost her twins 60 years ago and she was at the cemetary and she was crying about it still because the pain doesint just stop you dont forget or doesint start to matter less with time and i think men have a hard time expressing emotion and dont know what to do anymore anyways very sorry for your loss and everyones loss who is on tis thread