Waiting for my babies heart to stop beating!

[nicki01]

I feel awfull for even typing this! But its what im doing!

i had an ectopic and 2 miscarriages over a 6 month period, found out i was pregnant again Halloween 2012! I wasn't excited, i didn't feel anything, i was just waiting to start bleeding or find out at 6 week scan it was another ectopic!
6 week scan came and seen a yolk and sac, 7 weeks 3 days a heart beat!

I still felt nothing and was sure by 12 week scan the heart would have stopped! Was stunned to see it still beating and a baby bopping around in there!

I was happy and reassured for about a week maybe 2. Then i just started to get worried again. Was convinced the little heart beat would be gone again!

Every week on a Sunday i don't feel happy to be another week further in my pregnancy i feel scared as im convinced that on my next appointment they wont find the heartbeat and it will be over! The further i get the more chance i would have to give birth to a sleeping baby.

I went to my 16 week apt today and drove there thinking, well this is it, they will probably send me in for a scan when they cant find the heartbeat and it will be over! They did find the heart beating away nicely and yes i smiled but i didnt feel super happy, the only thought that came into my head is 'oh its still alive then'!

I feel absolutely nothing about this pregnancy and it kills me to say that! I dont feel happy or sad, i dont feel connected, just nothing! Im doing things that are practical in the fact i have bought a crib and need to order a mattress, bought some bedding etc but with no happy thoughts about it. When i look at the crib i think 'if this baby makes it home will i wake up and find it has stopped breathing in there'

Why can i just feel a little more at ease about it all, i sailed through the pregnancy of my daughter and couldnt have been happier, this time its dread! I cant shake the thought that my baby is at some stage during pregnancy or after birth is going to die.

I wanted and still want this baby so bad but im just waiting for it to die!

Wanted to edit and say im sorry for a sad post i just wanted to get this off my chest, i wanted to tell my mw today but she is so happy and bubbly and had a trainee with her, all chatting happy about my baby! I acted it but i really dont feel like that!

 

[dextersmum]

what you are going through is normal after the losses you have had. I really think you should phone your midwife and arrange another apt with her to tell her whats on your mind or go to your doctor and speak to them. They should be able to get you some counselling for your miscarriages that will help you feel more positive about this pregnancy. You have reached a great milestone and are already 16 weeks and things are good. Are you having regular scans or apts because of your previous losses if not you should insist on them

 

[nicki01]

Thanks for your reply. Its strange as i dont really feel cut up or even any emotion about the miscarriages! The ectopic hit me hard but i think it was all that came with that (operation and recovery etc) the miscarriages i dont feel effected by! Its just this pregnany that i cant get a grasp on! Im worried that when baby is born i will not bond or not let myself bond because im frightened of what could happen!
My baby is doing just great and has no reason for anything terrible to happen i just cant shake the feeling, its not even worry, its like im just waiting for it to slip away. I dont think it 'could' happen, i think 'when' will it happen!

I dont want to feel like this but i dont know how to start this convo with someone sat in front of me! I can type it out and have told my sister and she to thinks i should speak to mw but i dont know what to or how to say it!

No i havent any extra care, i had 2 early scan because of ectopic and my losses were really early but once the heartbeat was seen i am now just as anyone else would be.
I have my 20 week scan on 25th feb but it will be 11 weeks from now till i see my midwife next!
I have got a doppler but i can never find the heart beat, it took the mw almost 10 minutes to find it today and then baby ran away! lol. Ive stopped using it myself now as i know it is still difficult to find at 16 weeks.

I hope some of this will fade when i can feel baby move but will it? Will i just then be even more scared that i can now feel it and yet it can still be ripped away!

 

[nicki01]

Wow i just read all that back! I sound like a right drama queen! I should be so greatfull to be where i am. There are so many people in much worse situations than me and all i can do is feel sorry for myself and moan! Im really not this sort of person! I normally take what life throws at me and move on or throw it back! This sucks! Why is the human brain and body such an uncontrollable thing! ugghhh!
I need to get a grip and pull myself together! Some one needs to give me a good kick up the arse!

 

[LuckyW]

No kick from me. Big hugs instead!

Seems quite sad you"re unable to get excited about this baby, but maybe it just is what it is, and joy will come later. I certainly don"t want to judge.

I totally understand about how you're evaluating your own emotionality, though. I do that a lot too.

It's funny. We had a loss last year and my OH tries to keep me from getting too excited. It's still way early. And while I understand the impulse, to try to be prepared for the worst case scenario, I don't know if it's all that reasonable. If the worst were to happen, I don't think my disappointment would be diminished in any way, by tempering my happiness now.

 

[PinkEmily]

You do not sound like a drama queen at all. I can totally understand why you feel this way. I think you should talk to your midwife and let her know exactly how you feel. Sending lots of hugs x

 

[nicki01]

Thank you for your replies, its nice to get it out. Im hoping as time passes things will get better and i will start to relax a bit!
I will go for my scan and chat to my mw at my 28 week appt if im still not feeling to good about it all!