Want it to be over

[HPmum2B]

I found out at my scan on Monday that my baby had died at almost 12 weeks. I should have been nearly 14 weeks.
I was not expecting this, I had a scan around 9 weeks (just to check dates) and there was a baby with a good heart beat. And I have had two healthy babies already.

I suppose I thought being nearly 14 weeks, having already had a scan and never having any problems before, I thought I was out of the risk stage.

I am booked in to have a medically managed miscarriage at the weekend (it was the earliest they could book me in). And I just feel in limbo... I am walking around with a baby I know will never be and I just want this to be over with.

I know I wont wait any time before I try for another (funnily enough this baby was not planned, I was on the mini-pill when I fell pregnant), but when I found out I was pregnant, I started planning for a baby, so now I feel I just need to get on and try for another.

I desperately hope the bleeding does not last too long, I know there is nothing I can do about it, but I think it will make the feeling of being in limbo last even longer.

I feel like 14 weeks is a long time to be pregnant, just to have to start again. The hospital were talking to me about what was going to happen and the doctor kept describing it as a 'large' pregnancy, I know the baby is only about 2 inches long at this stage, but I found her choice of words to be a bit scary, especially if I end up miscarrying at home.

I was also asked if I wanted to have a proper funeral for the baby, and I found this all a bit much to take. I was quite level headed about the whole thing until I spoke to them. So far I think they have made the whole thing worse. Just hope they are a bit better when I get in there.

 

[Starlight288]

I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my baby at the same time. My story was a little different as we saw something on a 12week scan and by 14weeks our baby was gone.

Not sure if medically managed means surgery or medication to pass everything naturalIy. But at this stage I only had the option of surgery. I will tell you my surgery went very well. I too had to wait over the weekend and I hated walking around knowing what had happened. But coming out of my surgery I felt pretty good. I had heavy bleeding for 1.5 after surgery. After that I some milder bleeding the next two weeks. I also has minimal pain, I was given heavier drugs but only took the ibprofen. I was very pleased. Of course emotions were pretty bad the entire time. But I tried to stay positive and I think it's the reason I have bounced back well IMO. I used these boards and read up on miscarriages. Do they know the reason your baby passed? If not get some testing done if you can,that helps ease your suffering sometimes too. Hang in there , we're all here to talk if you need us.

 

[Frizzabelle]

Sorry to hear of your losses. I'm also trying to find some information....I had a miscarriage at 7 weeks in February..it was nothing like how I thought a miscarriage would be. I spotted and had mild period pain for two days which then got heavier on the third day until I passed a large clot, baby still in its sac and what looked like grey tissue (placenta?). The bleeding quickly slowed down and was gone 3-4 days later.

I fell pregnant again after one period.
I went for my scan on Wednesday at 11+6 and found out my baby had not made it passed 7 weeks. I just don't know what to expect now!! I have to wait until next Thursday to see the doctor again but in the meantime I started spotting which has got heavier today. Will it be the same as last time? Or will it be worse as the sac had continued to grow?

Sorry to not give any answers and just add more questions but I feel I needed to write this to someone...somewhere.

Sending you lots of love and strength for the tough times ahead xx

 

[Rachael737]

I'm in the same position. I'm booked ok to go to hospital tomorrow, having found out baby passed a week ago at 11 weeks. I am having the medical management but have to stay in hospital for risk of bleeding.

I'm dreading it, but am finding it hard waiting too. My body doesn't realise what's happened. Bleeding has stopped, still feel nauseous. It's just cruel. I'm hoping Monday will be some kind of closure as I don't feel it's real at the moment.

How are you doing?

 

[Frizzabelle]

Sorry to hear of your loss. It is terribly cruel and I truly feel for everyone going through this.
Since my last post on Friday a lot has happened....
I basically went into what I can only describe as a mini labour on Saturday (my sons 2nd birthday). I had painful contractions that painkillers just wouldn't touch.
After about four hours the pain suddenly stopped and (tmi...) out came 'everything'. So many large blood clots and bits of tissue. Heavy bleeding followed.
The next day (Sunday) I bled very heavily all day. In the evening the pains came back and I felt something stuck in my cervix. After some pushing out came the placenta...it was huge! I really thought I had already passed everything!! Was in a bit of shock.
Today is Monday and I have had mild period pain all day, passing small clots now and then but much less bleeding.

I have found that nothing has really sunk in yet. I'm dreading my husband going back to work tomorrow as I think it will hit me hard.

Good luck for tomorrow Rachael, I hope it goes as well as it can and you are able to heal quickly. xx

 

[Rachael737]

Thanks Frizabelle. I'm finally home after a long but not painful experience. I have normal period bleeding now and no pain.

I hope that now the physical side of things is mostly over for you you can move on to deal with the emotional side of things. I'm anticipating a roller coaster of emotions...

 

[Frizzabelle]

I'm glad you're not in pain. Will you ttc again soon or wait? I'm tempted to try straight away but after two losses I'm very scared of what may happen.

I've had a very tearful day, still just waiting for Thursday to roll around to see if my miscarriage is complete. I have a memory box for both my angel babies and now and then I write all my thoughts down and pop it in the box to be looked at later. xx

 

[Rachael737]

I'm not sure. I think we will ttc again but maybe not straight away.
We've had 2 previous miscarriages following by our little boy, so this one was the third, but not in a row. Being pregnant has become a very stressful thing, rather than the exciting joyous thing it should be. My husband has commented that the stress has been hard, so I think we might have a break.
I think I'm most upset at the moment about how cruel this has all been. we thought we were in the "safe zone". I still had morning sickness, even though it was less (the first sign for me that things maybe we're not all ok).
I'm not sure now that we will be able to enjoy being pregnant again as every day I'll wonder if it's working. We definitely won't tell anyone if we do get pregnant again until we really have to. That was hard. We told people at 10 weeks, not realising that the following week the heart would stop, and then a few weeks later we'd have to tell them that I'm not pregnant. Just cruel.
I hope you feel better, and that the tears soon stop flowing so freely. Maybe now though crying is exactly what we should be doing. I'm being "brave" apparently but all I want to do is climb up a very big hill and scream and scream. Maybe that is what I'll do tomorrow.
Hugs X

 

[HPmum2B]

Hi Ladies, sorry I have not posted in a while. I went in on the Sunday had the pessary, followed by oral tablets every 3 hours. Took a while to get going, but felt my waters go followed by bleeding, passing large clots, then the baby, and after a long wait, finally the placenta came out too. I was put on nil by mouth as the placenta took so long, they were getting ready to take me to theatre, but luckily it came out just in time.

It is a week later now, and I have pretty much stopped bleeding, apart from the odd bit of spotting.

I started to test with ovulation sticks yesterday and they are indicating I am ovulating already. I don't think that can be right, and wonder if it is just a mix of hormones in my system, but we have both missed the closeness for the last couple of weeks, so will be BD just in case I am ovulating.

Although this is my first miscarriage, I know what you mean about the feeling of cruelty, I still had morning sickness even after I knew the baby had died. For me, I feel the only way to move forward is to be pregnant again.

 

[Frizzabelle]

HP I know what you mean about needing to feel that closeness again. I feel the same way. I also just want to be pregnant again. Falling pregnant after my first miscarriage felt 'healing' and then to have that taken away felt so cruel and hit me so much worse. I know I will be incredibly worried next time but I don't feel I can wait to ttc.

The ovulation sticks are more than likely to be picking up other hormones as mine did the first time. Have u had a negative pregnancy test yet? There's no harm in being on the safe side and bding anyway but be prepared to have positive ovulation tests again further into your cycle.

Good luck and baby dust to you! I hope we are all carrying out rainbow babies soon xx

 

[HPmum2B]

My Pregnancy tests are not quite negative, but they are very very feint, so I think most of the pregnancy hormone must be gone. Yes, I am going to keep testing with the OPKs to see if it goes down and back up again during this cycle... I don't mind if we have to BD a few more times to make sure!!

Baby dust to you too! I know I will be scared when I fall pregnant again, but I know being pregnant again will also be my best way of healing.