Wedding plan blues - advice please!

[Sapphia]

My mum is helping us financially with our wedding and I am very grateful for this, but she is verging on taking over where the plans are concerned!

My mum and DF don't see eye to eye at the best of times, but it is now getting me down as I feel like piggy in the middle and hence emotionally torn.

The main issues are the guest list, the invitations and the wedding menu.

The guest list - my mum has added 12 people to the day list without consulting us. When I spoke to her and asked if we could move some of them the the evening list she said that she had already asked them! Well, I didn't know what to say to that, so I just left it (after all she is paying for them). When I told DF he said that I need to be more forceful and tell her that it is our wedding and she should un-invite them. I don't feel comfortable about doing this as I know it will upset her.

The invitations - me and my mum want the invitations to be from her because she is paying for the majority and it is traditional. DF wants the invitations to come from us and refuses to budge on this!

The wedding menu - I have asked DF to come up with a menu because food is his thing and he wants to be involved. My mum has her ideas about what we should have and thinks DF is being awkward! I have explained to her that I have asked DF to come up with ideas for this, but she still didn't seem happy and I fear that there will be disagreements about it later.

I feel emotionally torn and this is ruining the enjoyment of planning our big day. I feel like pulling my hair out - I don't know what to do

 

[kintenda]

That must be awful hon. I can understand why you're feeling this way.

My opinion...

Guest list - does inviting these people jepordise places for people you'd like to invite? If so then I would remind her that it is YOUR day and you want to invite people you know well. It seems strange that she'd invite people to your actual ceremony when they don't even know you well! You could raise that as a point.

Invitations - I can actually see her point here. I would speak quietly to your OH and say that as your mum is paying for the majority of things then it would be nice to let her have her 'moment' in this way... you could always both sign little notes to put inside the invites saying how excited you would be if the recipients accepted the invites? This way they are from you...

Wedding Menu - I personally would be firmer with this than anything else. Your OH wants to be involved, and your mum should appreciate that & understand his need to have an input. I don't think you should compromise with her on this.

At the end of the day, if she won't budge on anything, tell her that you won't be able to accept her offer of paying for the wedding as you feel as though you and your OH are compromising on your special day. I know it's a tough time. I am fairly lucky in a sense as my OH and I are paying for our day (my mum is pretty chilled out & might pay for the car or something, but won't take over) - whilst I'll be diplomatic if his parents try and take over, I am not 'indebted' to them as such. It's a bloody tough situation for you! My OH's parents have quite strong opinions on stuff so I can understand where you're coming from!

 

[Sapphia]

That must be awful hon. I can understand why you're feeling this way.

My opinion...

Guest list - does inviting these people jepordise places for people you'd like to invite? If so then I would remind her that it is YOUR day and you want to invite people you know well. It seems strange that she'd invite people to your actual ceremony when they don't even know you well! You could raise that as a point.

Invitations - I can actually see her point here. I would speak quietly to your OH and say that as your mum is paying for the majority of things then it would be nice to let her have her 'moment' in this way... you could always both sign little notes to put inside the invites saying how excited you would be if the recipients accepted the invites? This way they are from you...

Wedding Menu - I personally would be firmer with this than anything else. Your OH wants to be involved, and your mum should appreciate that & understand his need to have an input. I don't think you should compromise with her on this.

At the end of the day, if she won't budge on anything, tell her that you won't be able to accept her offer of paying for the wedding as you feel as though you and your OH are compromising on your special day. I know it's a tough time. I am fairly lucky in a sense as my OH and I are paying for our day (my mum is pretty chilled out & might pay for the car or something, but won't take over) - whilst I'll be diplomatic if his parents try and take over, I am not 'indebted' to them as such. It's a bloody tough situation for you! My OH's parents have quite strong opinions on stuff so I can understand where you're coming from!

First of all, thank you for your advice

We have invited everyone that we wanted to to the ceremony. My mum just added to this! I did speak to her about not wanting people there that we don't know very well, but her response was that she doesn't want to be sat facing people that she doesn't know (at the wedding breakfast)!

I like the note idea for the invites! I will speak to DF and see what he thinks.

I agree re. menu.

Unfortunately it is a bit late to turn down her offer of paying for the wedding as everything is now booked and deposits paid. Just the little things to buy! While we had planned to pay for our own wedding and have savings for this, the budget has now doubled due to my mum's kind funding.

 

[kintenda]

Hope it is resolved soon xx

 

[booflebump]

If your mum is paying for the majority of the wedding, unfortunately, as annoying as it is, she is the 'host' and therefore can expect to be allowed her own guests. Same with the invites - she is 'hosting' your wedding and therefore the invitations should be from her. I think with all that, you need to stand firm on other matters before your day is completely taken over by her xxx