What do we do with the baby?

[Nelliebelly]

Hello everyone. I am asking for your help on behalf of my sister-in-law who discovered yesterday that her baby has died. She is 13 weeks pregnant and the doctors think the baby died at around 11 weeks.

She is currently in the process of deciding whether to have a D&C or to let the baby come away naturally. At the moment she feels she would rather let nature take its course, and just wait for the baby to come out when it is ready. There are two things that are bothering her about this.

The first is whether she can cope with actually seeing it. I have offered to be with her when it happens and deal with the baby for her which she seems happy with. The second is - what on earth do we do with the baby? The thought of flushing just seems horrific. Can we have a cremation or church burial for such a young baby? Can we bury the baby ourselves or are there legalities involved? (We are in England).

Your advice would be greatly appreciated.

 

[Hevz]

At such an early gestation you're not obliged to do anything....like declare the body etc. Sad as that may be, it also gives you the option of a small burial in the garden if you like.

A proper burial would be highly unusual but I suppose you could contact the undertakers and ask if they have any suggestions.

Without meaning to be too informative....the foetus may not come out as one piece but rather a series of clots etc and probably not even identifiable as it would probably only be tiny, just looked at another site and they say about the size of a kidney bean.


My deepest sympathies to your sister and family....good luck with your decision

 

[LoraLoo]

Often the hospital can arrange, usually Cremations, not sure about burials, there. This is usually done with other babies, so not aure how she would feel about that. Some mums get comfort knowing their baby isnt alone iykwim. Im so very sorry for their loss xxxxx

 

[Nic-Flowers]

We lost our first at 18 weeks and seeing him after a natural delivery helped us grieve. We got him cremated, a local place here does burials and cremations for free for children under a year.

It is a very hard decision but hopefully she can figure everything out.

 

[misstrouble]

I am so sorry that you and your sister are going through this.I lost my little one at 8 weeks with a natural m/c and I must admit the biggest fear I had was seeing it. I was in hospital for two days and lost a lot of blood and assumed that I had passed everything there (I never got to see any of it as the nurses were monitoring my loss). My first day home I went to the bathroom and wiped, and there on the tissue was my baby(tmi sorry!) I just sat there with the tissue in my hand with my baby on it thinking what I am going to do with it. I knew that there was no way I could flush it, so I wrapped it in more tissue and placed it in the wardrobe (no idea why - think I was in a bit of shock) then when DH came home I calmly told him where our baby was. He went and got it and looked and agreed we could not flush it. So now we have bought a special plant pot and tomorrow we are going to to plant a rosebush and place the baby in the pot. That way I can talk to my little one whenever I want and I know that 'she' will never be forgotten. We can also take the plant with us if we ever move. Seeing it didn upset me like I thought it would I actually found it comforting and it somehow made things real. When the time comes she will know what is right for her.

 

[ClaireyF]

I am so sorry that you and your sister are going through this.I lost my little one at 8 weeks with a natural m/c and I must admit the biggest fear I had was seeing it. I was in hospital for two days and lost a lot of blood and assumed that I had passed everything there (I never got to see any of it as the nurses were monitoring my loss). My first day home I went to the bathroom and wiped, and there on the tissue was my baby(tmi sorry!) I just sat there with the tissue in my hand with my baby on it thinking what I am going to do with it. I knew that there was no way I could flush it, so I wrapped it in more tissue and placed it in the wardrobe (no idea why - think I was in a bit of shock) then when DH came home I calmly told him where our baby was. He went and got it and looked and agreed we could not flush it. So now we have bought a special plant pot and tomorrow we are going to to plant a rosebush and place the baby in the pot. That way I can talk to my little one whenever I want and I know that 'she' will never be forgotten. We can also take the plant with us if we ever move. Seeing it didn upset me like I thought it would I actually found it comforting and it somehow made things real. When the time comes she will know what is right for her.

I lost my baby at 7 weeks and did not know what to expect, unfortunately i was at work when it came out of me and i didn't know what to do. i ended up flushing it down the toilet and i have regretted this ever since. xx

 

[Drazic<3]

Im so sorry for your losses.
I was so young and i didnt really know what to do when i lost my baby. We were away in devon in some stupid little cottage by a river. I probably flushed most of him away (which i think i will always feel guilty for) but (sorry if this is tmi) with a clot which i thought could be him i wrapped it in a little tissue and let it go down the river.

Sorry, that sounds a little weird written down, but it felt theraputic at the time.

 

[misstrouble]

I lost my baby at 7 weeks and did not know what to expect, unfortunately i was at work when it came out of me and i didn't know what to do. i ended up flushing it down the toilet and i have regretted this ever since. xx[/QUOTE]

U poor thing, try not to be to hard on yourself. It is not always easy to know what the right thing to do is. Unfortunately I feel that there is not enough information given to women who sadly have to go through the ordeal of a m/c, and feel sometimes that if we knew what to expect it might not make the physical side so hard to deal with.

 

[wantababybump]

I personally couldnt handle having a natural miscarriage for the same reasons of not knowing what to do with it. My first m/c last christmas I was in so much pain and having so much trouble passing the baby that the doctor had to do it for me. Using same kind of tools as a pap smear. I didnt need a d&c for that one. With the second one (june '08 ) I needed a d&c because I was further along (14wks) and because I had so much trouble passing the first pregnancy. They also gave me the option of d&c, pills to kickstart m/c or natural and I chose the d&c because the thought of me carrying around a baby without a hb really got to me. They told me it could be 3 wks before natural m/c started. I am so sorry for your sisters loss

 

[bethyb]

I think the doctors may recommend a erpc/d&c but its entirely up to ur sister. I have had both a natural miscarriage and a eprc. The first one was horrible and traumatic but the fear of miscarrying naturally was equally horrific. I never got a chance to say goodbye to the baby I lost and had removed and the baby I miscarried at home was although painful and scary but I refused to use the loos crying i didnt want to lose my baby and when the large clots came i felt like i wanted to push which i did and out popped the pregnancy sac along with large clots of blood. I know this is very detailed but what i mean is its very grafic at times miscarrying naturally but I put my baby in a little box with a cross made by my son and a picture of mary and we buried it in a local beauty spot and whenever im down or need to talk to baby i wonder up there and have a cry. I couldnt do that the first time..
Shes in my prayers, its a hard decision. xxx