what I can do/say as a step-mum?

[Kathleen]

I love my OH's daughter. (we're getting married but I'm not allowed to be her stepmum). Theres some things I just don't understand. She's 9 years old, I'll list a few things that happens that I never did as a kid

- Gets OH to cut up her food up for her, pretends she can't do it then admits after its because she couldn't be bothered.

- Turn inside out clothes the right way, same reason as above (she got in a huff when I wouldnt do it for her as she can do it said ''daddy will do it then''

- She insists on being with him while hes in the bath or toilet

- She cant have a bath without him there, he doesn't let her either in case she falls

- if anyone is staying over, she has to sleep in our room

All of this makes it sound like I'm moaning about her but like I said, I love her loads-I'm just wondering if OH is feeling guilty for not being with her all the time. Her mum is also very protective.

 

[Hollys_Twinny]

Maybe they both overprotect her to make up for them not being together, when did you and your OH get together? Maybe in time she'll get used to you x

 

[N1kki]

parents have mollycuddled her for too long,you should talk to the your O/H saying shes 9 yrs old and needs to not be in the bath or loo with him,she needs to have a bath by herself and her dad or someone will supervise,she needs to learn to dress herself and most of all certainly cut her own food up whats next her dad will chew it?Jeeze your O.H and the mother of his daughter need a kick in the pants.Sit down with him make him see whats happening needs to stop.

 

[5-a-side]

I have 9 year olds and am a step mother also. I'd say the same as N1kki, this girl has been so mothered she hasnt been able to grow herself and can probably work things to her way in an instant, she needs to grow up and her family need to let her.
A good talk with you DH is needed about starting here off in being more independent. Just little steps at first. A 9yo should be able to shower/bath themselves surely, mine do, they want their privacy.
Good luck, it wont be easy but it will be good for her in the long run.

 

[tjw]

Her parents are halting her development by over compensating for the break up of their relationship.

I'm a step mum too. My step daughter is almost 9yrs old and now lives with us full time.

Prior to moving in her father gave her way too much leeway and often cut up her food and did up her shoes etc. I have seen her mother dress her, even going so far as to putting on her socks, at the age of 8! She didn't even know how to wash her own hair or do up VELCRO shoes! Plus she had huge attitude probs.

As soon as she moved in I sat down with her father and said 'look we need to encourage her to develop appropriately for her age.'

She now bathes herself - including washing her hair, she gets dressed and undressed without help, she does up her own shoes - even ones with laces on now , she cuts her own food, gets her own drinks (juice or water), eats a proper diet (before she would constantly say she was full after just a few mouthfuls and then fill up on junk and sweets later on), and her attitude has improved with every new thing she learns.

Unfortunately we found out shortly after she moved in with us, that she had been physically abused by her mother's partner and that her mother knew about it and did nothing to help her. We've been through court etc and she is now with us permanently. It has been a complete fresh start for her, and with everything she learns to do for herself - her confidence grows, and you can see she is far happier than before.

Praise everything your step daughter does for herself. It gives the child incentive to do more, and makes them feel proud of what they accomplish.

Good luck x

 

[Kathleen]

Her parents are halting her development by over compensating for the break up of their relationship.

I'm a step mum too. My step daughter is almost 9yrs old and now lives with us full time.

Prior to moving in her father gave her way too much leeway and often cut up her food and did up her shoes etc. I have seen her mother dress her, even going so far as to putting on her socks, at the age of 8! She didn't even know how to wash her own hair or do up VELCRO shoes! Plus she had huge attitude probs.

As soon as she moved in I sat down with her father and said 'look we need to encourage her to develop appropriately for her age.'

She now bathes herself - including washing her hair, she gets dressed and undressed without help, she does up her own shoes - even ones with laces on now , she cuts her own food, gets her own drinks (juice or water), eats a proper diet (before she would constantly say she was full after just a few mouthfuls and then fill up on junk and sweets later on), and her attitude has improved with every new thing she learns.

Unfortunately we found out shortly after she moved in with us, that she had been physically abused by her mother's partner and that her mother knew about it and did nothing to help her. We've been through court etc and she is now with us permanently. It has been a complete fresh start for her, and with everything she learns to do for herself - her confidence grows, and you can see she is far happier than before.

Praise everything your step daughter does for herself. It gives the child incentive to do more, and makes them feel proud of what they accomplish.

Good luck x

oh my goodness! Poor girl! Thank you for the advice, you must of had your patience tested!

the little things do wind me up and I think that I dont have any right or business to say anything but you're all right about it affecting her in the long run.

Thank you ladies
xxxx

 

[RiverSong]

Im a stepmom too and for a time my ss was like this to a point. I just point blank told oh what i thought and that ss was being lazy. Since oh has made an effort to help him develop and it shows, ss is still lazy but certainly happier with more structure.

One thing i dont understand, you say youre not allowed to be her stepmom? What role exactly do they expect you to take? If theyre going to insist on that, personally i wouldnt do ANY 'motherly' things. But thats me, and i can be harsh :S xxx

 

[IHrtSteve]

I was also wondering who said you are not allowed to be her stepmom?? My DHs ex-wife trys to say that my SS is not to call me "mom" but she doesnt live in our home and personally I feel that is HIS decision to make. I would NEVER force him to call me mom but I also wouldn't want him to feel he couldnt (esp now that DS is starting to talk and is calling me MAMA- want SS to feel equal always).

I thnk being a step parent is one of the most challenging roles a person can take on. We are expected to treat the children like our own but at the same time, we are constantly questioning where our authority begins and ends. Do we discipline them?? and just how much?? I put up with a lot more attitude from my SS than I ever will with my DS. That is mostly because my DH has so much guilt about the divorce (not that he says so- I just know) that he never disciplines him. His mother never does either, so if I repremanded him as much as i felt necessary- I would truely be the evil stepmom compared to all the other parents in his life.

As far as bathing, cutting food etc...that is craziness. My SS is going to be 7 and bathes himself (I only wash his hair)...cuts all his own food (and has for ages). She is definately being spoiled. Personally, I think it is unnatural for a girl that age to be in the potty with her dad. Kinda grosses me out to think about being the bathroom with my dad at that age. ewww.

It is very difficult to discuss these things with the father because no one is a precious to them as their kids (which we understand) and they can get very defensive...

Handle is gently...good luck!!! ) I totally feel your frustration!

 

[seoj]

Honestly hun, in my opinion, that is way to overprotective for a child of that age. She's 9, not 2. I met my step-daughter at the same age. She was just barely 9yrs old... and she has always lived full time with her Dad. So they have this very close bond. But because of her lack of relationship with her mom, her grandma and great aunt tended to OVER coddle her. Her grandma would even cut up her food for her and serve it to her like she was her maid!!!! Finally, at one point, I just straight up told my kid "you are 9 yrs old and you can cut up your own food- that's not your grandma's job"... and it actually did seem to help. But let's get real, if an adult is willing to slave to their child, then why wouldn't the child expect it???? I think most people would lol. BUT- children need to learn to do for themselves. To help build up their esteem and know they are capable young adults.

Yes, 9 is still a child... but she should be doing most stuff for herself. My kid didn't even brush her own hair at that age... I had to push her to do that for herself. She has curly hair, and it get's tangled, but she COULD do it- she just choice not to and her grandma (who would come and get her ready for school in the am) didn't push her to do much of anything for herself. But today, she has grown SO SO much and she's almost 14 and is such a great kid. I love her to death!!!!! We still have to push her sometimes- but that is just what parenting is about. As well as step-parenting.

I know it's hard to "find your place" as a step-parent. I had a rough time of it at first... and didn't always know when to step in or back off? But you'll get there. I can only guess it's more difficult when you don't have the child full time-- but just stand your ground with her and "gently" push her to do more for herself. It's time. Maybe even chat with your OH and see why he doesn't push her more? He can't possible continue to coddle her as he does... she's becoming a young woman. Truly the hormones are gonna kick in at any moment... LOL.

I'm sure he's just having a hard time letting go of his "little girl" and may feel guilty he doesn't have more time with her... but that shouldn't affect him parenting her. And you just need to get on the same page with what is OK and stick together on it. So she doesn't have contradictory parenting while she's with you.

I'm not claiming to be an expert by any means... but I went through a LOT coming into full time step-parent so quickly! And have had to deal with a horrible and nasty ex... and thankfully, that's gotten better over the years... but I will always be her primary "mom". Period.

It's not an easy road... and obviously you love this child very much, or else you wouldn't care either way. Being a parent is hard work... and I think being a step-parent can be just as hard (if not more so) and with less gratitude at times!!! But overall, even with all the ups and downs... it's such a wonderful experience.

Best of luck hun I'm sure you'll make it work great!!!

 

[Kathleen]

I was also wondering who said you are not allowed to be her stepmom?? My DHs ex-wife trys to say that my SS is not to call me "mom" but she doesnt live in our home and personally I feel that is HIS decision to make. I would NEVER force him to call me mom but I also wouldn't want him to feel he couldnt (esp now that DS is starting to talk and is calling me MAMA- want SS to feel equal always).

I thnk being a step parent is one of the most challenging roles a person can take on. We are expected to treat the children like our own but at the same time, we are constantly questioning where our authority begins and ends. Do we discipline them?? and just how much?? I put up with a lot more attitude from my SS than I ever will with my DS. That is mostly because my DH has so much guilt about the divorce (not that he says so- I just know) that he never disciplines him. His mother never does either, so if I repremanded him as much as i felt necessary- I would truely be the evil stepmom compared to all the other parents in his life.

As far as bathing, cutting food etc...that is craziness. My SS is going to be 7 and bathes himself (I only wash his hair)...cuts all his own food (and has for ages). She is definately being spoiled. Personally, I think it is unnatural for a girl that age to be in the potty with her dad. Kinda grosses me out to think about being the bathroom with my dad at that age. ewww.

It is very difficult to discuss these things with the father because no one is a precious to them as their kids (which we understand) and they can get very defensive...

Handle is gently...good luck!!! ) I totally feel your frustration!

Thank you!!

I think because my OH insisted that there shouldn't be step parents because theres only one mum and dad (yes, this hurt me a bit) I took the defensive. We're getting married next year though, maybe it'll change.

Since I put up this post I had a word, OH agreed that it was all silly and he's scared to let her go. So glad I said something, phew! I won't be so scared to point out things within reason

 

[Kathleen]

oooooh and just to clear up, they don't share a bath!!! He's just there next to her! oh no, that would be wrong!

 

[tallybee]

Glad your OH is taking things on board

I know how tough it can be... Step parenting is challenging enough without having the denial/guilt/refusal to see things from your OH - their exes are another matter entirely

Unfortunately things have broken down so badly between my OH and his ex that we barely see his boys any more, she's just made things so difficult, we've almost split up over these issues before now. His boys are nearly 14 and nearly 10, and have been spoiled a lot, to the point where they will not eat normal meals, they have to have specific things and not even a different brand That's just the beginning of it. OH has had ridiculous guilt issues and tended to give them what they want because he didn't want them to stop wanting to come round to our place.
They haven't even been round for months now, but that's another story - it's their mum being twisted and horrible.

Anyway hopefully things can improve for you guys with your OH on board xx

 

[morri]

If it is your house, than you are allowed to set a few rules that differ from her moms house. This includes how dinner is eaten and where to sleep etc.