What should have been...Due Date

[InTheVerse]

We're around the time of what should have been my baby's 'Due Date' and quite honestly I feel like I'm falling to pieces.

It's set me close to how I was before: very low and very teary.

It's worse because my friend who conceived the same time, her baby has been born so I'm happy for her but it hurts so much to see the pictures and hear the congratulations.

A few people remembered and I will always treasure and thank them for it but so many, including my best friend who knew what date it was, didn't. It hurts to think the baby is nothing.

We're ttc and getting nowhere yet my body still keeps throwing up surprises in the way of late period and pregnancy symptoms- go Body.

I feel like I'm failing again and I can't forgive myself.

I seem to be surrounded by super fertile people.

Did anyone else feel like shit around their Due date? Even if they'd felt better before?

How did you deal with the emotions?

How long before you conceived after your miscarriage and did anything help?

I'm using preconceive and ovulation sticks but since have the sticks have been void I think they are defective

 

[Moma Ali]

I lost my baby in febuary at 11 weeks (due date last month) and had some odd dreams before the due date, in the dreams I had a baby and was calling him JJ

when he was born (I was induced in hospital) we had a naming ceremony and they gave us a form to put his name in the garden of angels and I had the stupid idea of filling it out and dropping it off on the due date... well the drop off point is the maternity ward which is possibly the most insensative place you could ever put a desk for baby rememberance enquires - a month later and they still havnt been in touch

I knew a few people who got pregnant at the same time and I blocked them all... not to be nasty but I cant pretend to be happy for other people anymore

my body is acting up too, 5 day late period just before the due date then bang AF, but im use to the disappointment - I cant help with the how long to conceive again as we are infertile and we are now restarting the path to IVF all over again

as for dealing with emotions im not sure, I feel quite numb a lot but I got really drunk a few weeks ago and apparently unleashed a river of built up resentment and I dont even remember it... I think its worse because only my OH and boss knows anyway and I quit work right afterwards, we have been trying for years and I cant stand people prying in the deepest resesses of our lives weather well meaning or not - at this point I know im getting bitter and id rather keep that to myself because 'normal' people just dont get it

 

[BunnyN]

I was already pregnant when my due date came but I still cried.

 

[Deb_baby]

when i miscarried my first baby i was inconsolable and fell pregnant by accident ( i had a very traumatic time with my miscarriage and was very depressed)
7 years on i still get upset around the time i miscarried and my due date, and i have the same weights that were on the first set of ballons i let off that year and i always tie them to the ballons then cut them off so i can keep them again. around the time of both of these dates stil im emotional and horrible to be around. Even now my family and friends don't understand what i went through and nobody seems to remember but myself.

Take your time to grieve, i love my daughter but i felt i had to rush to get over my grief because i fell pregnant after it and everyone expected me to be happy. Very hard Pre and Post natal depression came with it.

Lots of hugs xx

 

[LynAnne]

First of all, I'd like to say I'm so sorry for your loss.

I've had three losses this year and I'm nearing the due date of my first loss now (24th October). Whilst it was "only" a chemical and only lasted a few days, I can't help but feel like I should be gearing up to become a mum for the very first time. My second loss' due date is 28th of November (ectopic) so it is going to be a couple of rough months for me. Furthermore I am five weeks post my most recent miscarriage (baby measured 8+3, found out 9+5, mc 12+3) so I am still trying to come to terms with that. I'm feeling very low at the moment and it's not made any easier by the fact that my sister is 12 weeks pregnant and everyone, including myself, is very happy for her. It's perhaps a little selfish but I do feel as though my lost babies and I have been forgotten about lately and it really hurts.

I try to remind myself that it is okay to grieve and feel sad about my situation but I end up feeling so selfish when everyone else is so happy about my sister's pregnancy. I feel as though every time I lose a baby there is a flurry of pregnancy announcements and it's hard not to fall into the mindset of "why not me?"

I hope that you get your rainbow baby soon.

 

[InTheVerse]

I lost my baby in febuary at 11 weeks (due date last month) and had some odd dreams before the due date, in the dreams I had a baby and was calling him JJ

when he was born (I was induced in hospital) we had a naming ceremony and they gave us a form to put his name in the garden of angels and I had the stupid idea of filling it out and dropping it off on the due date... well the drop off point is the maternity ward which is possibly the most insensative place you could ever put a desk for baby rememberance enquires - a month later and they still havnt been in touch

I knew a few people who got pregnant at the same time and I blocked them all... not to be nasty but I cant pretend to be happy for other people anymore

my body is acting up too, 5 day late period just before the due date then bang AF, but im use to the disappointment - I cant help with the how long to conceive again as we are infertile and we are now restarting the path to IVF all over again

as for dealing with emotions im not sure, I feel quite numb a lot but I got really drunk a few weeks ago and apparently unleashed a river of built up resentment and I dont even remember it... I think its worse because only my OH and boss knows anyway and I quit work right afterwards, we have been trying for years and I cant stand people prying in the deepest resesses of our lives weather well meaning or not - at this point I know im getting bitter and id rather keep that to myself because 'normal' people just dont get it

I'm so sorry for the loss of your son Moma Ali. A naming ceremony is a beautiful idea, it's a shame they haven't yet been in touch and the insensitivity of the drop off location.

I'm trying to be happy and a part of me is happy for them, especially one who had a miscarriage herself but seeing the happiness in person or on social media isn't something I can do either.

I'm sorry you have infertility on top of everything else, it's all just so very unfair. I don't begrudge other people having babies but I do have to wonder why some people find it so easy while others struggle, especially when it's the people people who don't treat the children they have with care and love who find it so easy. (to be fair, that's not my friends who are super fertile, but others I know of)

I don't think people get grief, especially grief that comes to do with baby loss. Some people have been so supportive but some so insensitive I want to shake them and say 'have you any idea how this feels? Try going through it before you judge.'

People don't understand how loaded some questions can be. While someone may think 'are you trying'or something similar is innocuous it really just shows how lucky they are not to have lost a baby or known someone close who has.

I hope the IVF goes well and you get your Rainbow baby. I also hope the hospital shape up in regards to your son's naming ceremony.

 

[InTheVerse]

I was already pregnant when my due date came but I still cried.

I'm sorry for your loss BunnyN.

I wasn't sure if it would help to be or not. At the time, I heard so many telling me how the miscarriage would mean something if I was pregnant again I think I fixated on it to push away the grief.

Then when I wasn't, I had nothing to hold back the grief.

I hope you got your Rainbow baby.

 

[InTheVerse]

when i miscarried my first baby i was inconsolable and fell pregnant by accident ( i had a very traumatic time with my miscarriage and was very depressed)
7 years on i still get upset around the time i miscarried and my due date, and i have the same weights that were on the first set of ballons i let off that year and i always tie them to the ballons then cut them off so i can keep them again. around the time of both of these dates stil im emotional and horrible to be around. Even now my family and friends don't understand what i went through and nobody seems to remember but myself.

Take your time to grieve, i love my daughter but i felt i had to rush to get over my grief because i fell pregnant after it and everyone expected me to be happy. Very hard Pre and Post natal depression came with it.

Lots of hugs xx

I'm so sorry for your loss Deb and that no one seems to understand or remember. There's a quote I read once that says when a mother has a child they want to protect them but when a mother loses one they want to protect their memory. It really resonated with me. You do want to remember and you want to grieve because someone isn't here who should be. Adding in all the trauma to that and you need...something.

I'm not sure I can explain very well, but the quote very much resonated with me and your feelings around your family and friends not remembering or understanding reminds me of it.

Balloon releasing is a lovely idea, especially using the same weights each time. I want to do something with my husband but we can't think on what, at the moment I can't seem to let the booties I had for my baby go.

I hope you are feeling in a better place now after the pre and post natal depression, it's the last thing you need on top of grief. I'm really pleased you got your Rainbow baby.

I do need to take time to grieve, you are right. I need to be kinder to myself too because I'm the hardest on myself that I've ever been since losing my baby.

 

[InTheVerse]

First of all, I'd like to say I'm so sorry for your loss.

I've had three losses this year and I'm nearing the due date of my first loss now (24th October). Whilst it was "only" a chemical and only lasted a few days, I can't help but feel like I should be gearing up to become a mum for the very first time. My second loss' due date is 28th of November (ectopic) so it is going to be a couple of rough months for me. Furthermore I am five weeks post my most recent miscarriage (baby measured 8+3, found out 9+5, mc 12+3) so I am still trying to come to terms with that. I'm feeling very low at the moment and it's not made any easier by the fact that my sister is 12 weeks pregnant and everyone, including myself, is very happy for her. It's perhaps a little selfish but I do feel as though my lost babies and I have been forgotten about lately and it really hurts.

I try to remind myself that it is okay to grieve and feel sad about my situation but I end up feeling so selfish when everyone else is so happy about my sister's pregnancy. I feel as though every time I lose a baby there is a flurry of pregnancy announcements and it's hard not to fall into the mindset of "why not me?"

I hope that you get your rainbow baby soon.

I'm so sorry for your losses too LynAnne. I don't think there's ever an 'only'when it comes to loss and grief although often we feel like it could always be worse or someone has it worse so we punish ourselves for feeling the grief.

I'm not surprised you are feeling low. It was just a friend who was pregnant but a sibling...that would really hurt, especially as you feel like you have to feel happy and can't be sad to bring them down.

It is not selfish to feel that way in my opinion. In a way you have been sidelined. Not through your sister's fault but because people like to focus on the positive and tend to forget about those who are suffering. I must be selfish too if it is because I would feel very very resentful and as though my babies were forgotten, I would feel the desire to have them remembered by others and then feel guilty for it. In fact that's how I have felt with those who've become pregnant or had babies.

You are not selfish at all. I think people, including ourselves, forget that grief is grief and with miscarriage you are grieving a hell of a lot. You grieve your lost baby, your lost innocence about pregnancy, your hopes and dreams for that baby and your family. You can have anger at your body and everything and one else and even self loath. On top of that your body and mind are recovering from a trauma.

An the biggest thing of all is it seems so wrong. It hurts when an elderly relative dies but you can try to console yourself that they had a good life or were even ready too and try and get some peace or closure that way (it may not work but at least you try). When it's a baby that's very different, it's not supposed to happen that way.

I think people forget too. When it is a physical person people can see, people find it harder to understand your grieving but even then it seems like often there's a limited tolerance and acceptance of it. When they never saw the baby or felt it inside or knew the love, they stand little chance of understanding unless they've been through it themself.

I hope you get a more lot of support from them soon and that you get your Rainbow baby.

 

[InTheVerse]

Thank all of you by the way. I am so sorry you've suffered too. I hope you all get everything you want.

I was dreading coming back to this post because I felt so sensitive and sad and angry at myself, you've all helped make me feel a lot better.

So thank you.

 

[BunnyN]

I was already pregnant when my due date came but I still cried.

I'm sorry for your loss BunnyN.

I wasn't sure if it would help to be or not. At the time, I heard so many telling me how the miscarriage would mean something if I was pregnant again I think I fixated on it to push away the grief.

Then when I wasn't, I had nothing to hold back the grief.

I hope you got your Rainbow baby.

Thank you, we have two children now so have a lot to be thankfull for. Our loss is not as painful as it was but I still like to mark the due date. I feel like I need to remember my baby because thats the only difference its existence made in the world. Not quite sure if it makes sense but I think any woman who has felt that feeling knows what I mean. I also think its healthy to take time to be sad. I tried to bottle up my feeling to start with and it wasnt untill I let myself grieve that I started to heal. Its not good to let the grief take over your life forever but dont be afraid to have bad days especially around times like your due date.

Hugs

 

[Moma Ali]

I'm so sorry for the loss of your son Moma Ali. A naming ceremony is a beautiful idea, it's a shame they haven't yet been in touch and the insensitivity of the drop off location.

I'm trying to be happy and a part of me is happy for them, especially one who had a miscarriage herself but seeing the happiness in person or on social media isn't something I can do either.

I'm sorry you have infertility on top of everything else, it's all just so very unfair. I don't begrudge other people having babies but I do have to wonder why some people find it so easy while others struggle, especially when it's the people people who don't treat the children they have with care and love who find it so easy. (to be fair, that's not my friends who are super fertile, but others I know of)

I don't think people get grief, especially grief that comes to do with baby loss. Some people have been so supportive but some so insensitive I want to shake them and say 'have you any idea how this feels? Try going through it before you judge.'

People don't understand how loaded some questions can be. While someone may think 'are you trying'or something similar is innocuous it really just shows how lucky they are not to have lost a baby or known someone close who has.

I hope the IVF goes well and you get your Rainbow baby. I also hope the hospital shape up in regards to your son's naming ceremony.

thank you

I thought of something else I do but im not sure if its a normal thing or im a bit wierd but I treat the things we did while pregnant as things HE did, example:

we went to the cinema so now thats HIS film (and have the teddy)
we went on holiday to scotland so HE visited scotland
I liked cheesy pasta and garlic while pregnant so HE liked that
and so on... and so on

might be a bit strange but when you lay out all the things its feels like a full little life with personalities

 

[momwithbabies]

Ladies, it's heartbreaking to read these stories, and I'm right there with you. I completely understand the guilt of feeling sad when nobody around you remembers your baby's due date. I don't know if my husband remembers, but our sweet baby was due this November 6th. I still have it on my calendar, and I can remember the excitement we felt when we found out. Nobody mentions it anymore and most of the time it's because they don't know what to say. When I bring it up, even with my husband, things get quiet. It makes me want to scream. I'm still angry at God for this and my heart is far from peace.

And it is an extra kick to the heart when you know someone who is due around your due date. I work with a lady that is huge right now, and yes, I'm happy for her but also feel like God is mocking me at times. Stupid, I know. It does help to talk to people even if they just sit and listen.

I think all these feelings are normal. Every day is a struggle.

 

[OmarsMum]

Our baby was due October 27th, I should have a 1 year old this month, I also had another mc in July this year, I should be pregnant now. I don't know how I feel, but most of the time it is anger not grieve.

Hubby was talking about going back to the doctor this month to talk about trying again, but I am not ready, I had 3 mcs in a row (1st was a chemical), after 2 years of trying and ending up with losses I am not ready to even talk about getting pregnant