What to do when one kids is way more attractive than the other?

[MommyJogger]

How do you handle that? Tbh my DS1 is just so much better looking than poor DS2. When I was pregnant, I worried about ds1 feeling odd at people commenting on baby cuteness, but it never fails that ds1 gets the "oh my word, look at those eyelashes" and DS2 gets a few double-takes without comment (save one "bless his heart"). Does the public commentary stop as kids get older? Does anyone else have kids like this and has it caused issues with peers/self-esteem as they hit puberty? Worried the huge difference will always be there and be noticed more since they look alike, but with odd irregularities on DS2's part.

 

[AnneD]

Can you point out something nice about your second to balance out what the other person says? Perhaps like 'Yes, J has lovely eyes, and R has fantastically thick hair/perfect teeth/whatever applies'?

 

[jd83]

I think as his parents, you can work on building up his self esteem for qualities he possesses that make him a good person. I hate that people let looks become such an important factor in someone's worth. Yes, initially you do notice looks, but looks don't measure someone's worth. Be sure to always let him know what qualities he has as he grows that make him special.

I think pp idea is good, too, because yes, people's opinions do tend to affect you, whether you'd like them to or not. Pointing out his good qualities in those situations should help.

 

[jd83]

Also, yes, I do think comments tend to simmer down quite a bit as they get older. I don't know what is about babies that makes people so vocal in giving you their opinion of your baby.

 

[seoj]

No great input- but a friend of mine dealt with this often. Her middle girl seems to just draw people to her (funny enough, she's the shy one that doesn't want the attention)- and her younger is the more outgoing one. Both are beautiful girls- but her 5yo still get's more comments from random people. So my friend would just simply say yes- all my girls are pretty wonderful (when people would comment). It did taper off as they got a little older... but, like mentioned, self assurance is something that comes from within and so much more important that our outward appearance-- And you, as the parent, have a lot to do with it (well more than comments from strangers). So as long as you raise your boys to love themselves, and encourage their own unique gifts, they will do great!

 

[MoonLove]

I struggled with this in my childhood years because my younger sister is a redhead. She had curly ringlet red hair and if i tell you that NO-ONE ever looked at, or complimented me, it would be an understatement!

My mom used to say that people would die for my hair (it was really long down to my bum, lovely condition etc) but when i had everyone else in the world swooning over my sister's curly locks, it did really really affect me. I was never jealous of my sister's hair, i would have hated it, it was a big frizzy afro of hair! But it was different, and people couldn't help but notice it.

I wish i had better advice on how to combat such a thing, because children do pick up on it. I suffered greatly in my teenage years with self esteem issues, but i just found my own confidence as i grew up. I know i am no less attractive than my sister, in all fairness, it was always just her hair that got her the attention, and still, she has grown up hating it, and now wears it cut above her ears and always straight. My Nan even told her once that her hair 'used to be so nice' and that she had 'spoiled it' - so it's kinda come full circle. I am now easily the more confident of us both.

You can't control what people say to your children in terms of compliments, and i know for a fact people are stupid and do not think of how swooning over one child can really hurt the other. Just because my sister was a cherub faced, ginger haired 6 year old did not mean that i did not exist. I think my mom complimenting my hair really helped me, i know i didn't believe it so at the time, but looking back at my old pictures, my hair was incredible and i can only hope that it grows so long and lush again!

 

[tommyg]

I'd go with the "yes DD2 has lovely hair (or other physical feature)".
However I would not go down the route of commenting on personality or brains. A friend recently commented on how she was affected by her mum describe her as the brains her sis as the beauty. Leading both to have issues with self confidence.

 

[jd83]

I'd go with the "yes DD2 has lovely hair (or other physical feature)".
However I would not go down the route of commenting on personality or brains. A friend recently commented on how she was affected by her mum describe her as the brains her sis as the beauty. Leading both to have issues with self confidence.

Wow, that would be pretty hurtful! I agree, I wouldn't just point out one thing like this with one child, and looks with the other. In fact, as the parent knowing this is an issue, it'd be better to focus on traits aside from looks for BOTH children, so that neither end up feeling badly about how parents view them. Honestly, to me, the other traits that define us are so much more important anyways. Looks are fleeting. Personality, giving nature, kindness, etc that you instill in your child, those are lasting qualities that should be pointed out and celebrated.

 

[justplay91]

Also, keep in mind that babies looks change as they get older. Looking at pictures, I was a waaaaaaay cuter baby than DH was (stick out ears, funny looking face lol) but he's definitely the better looking one now. So it can definitely change as they grow up. Meanwhile, I'd just make sure to say things like, "Thanks, I know I got lucky with two beautiful little boys!" when people comment like that.

 

[minties]

Your DS2 is stll so young, but I know how you feel.

Sophie was always the "not as good looking" one. My family and strangers always gushed over Thomas. My family started calling him "his royal cuteness" from a baby and still do. He has nice features and full lips with golden skin and a gorgeous smile.

Sophie was a pretty ugly baby but she I think she's as cute as a button now. She was bald fat and had such an upturned nose for so long.

No stranger has ever commented that she was cute. But she loves herself anyway! I think she's beautiful even if she isn't what others find pretty.

My mum and MIL used to comment on how ugly they thought Sophie was . Now they think she is gorgeous.

 

[tommyg]

That's awful Minties for the grannies to comment she was ugly. Yes we have all had moments when we think that baby isn't cute but why on earth would anyone open their mouth and say anything? Poor kid.

 

[minties]

My mum means nothing to Sophie so she has missed out. Her own problem really. My kids call my grandma their grandma (she rocks). My mum is just some lady they see a couple times a year.

 

[jd83]

Minties, that is horrible I can't imagine ever voicing something like that out loud to someone, no matter what I thought in my head. That's just flat out a horrible thing to say. But even worse coming from family. But you're also right, SHE is the one missing out.

 

[pinkribbon]

All 3 of my kids (in my eyes anyways!) are beautiful, but my DS1 looks the most like his biological dad (DS2 looks like me & DS3 has a different dad, current partner) and I hate that he looks so much like this arsehole. I hate it even more when people remind me of it.

 

[Midnight_Fairy]

All 3 of my kids (in my eyes anyways!) are beautiful, but my DS1 looks the most like his biological dad (DS2 looks like me & DS3 has a different dad, current partner) and I hate that he looks so much like this arsehole. I hate it even more when people remind me of it.

^ exactly this.