What to say to friend after loss at 18 w

[pinkcatgirl]

I hope you ladies don't mind me posting here. I found out a few days ago one of my friends has lost her baby at 18w. I am so so sad for her and wanted to send her a card to say I was thinking of her, but struggling to put down words and am worried I might say the wrong thing.

I have thankfully never been in this awful situation, and if I wasn't pregnant myself would go over and give her a hug, but I imagine that I'm the last person she will want to see at the moment.

Any advice on what to say? Did anyone appreciate a card, or did it make things worse?

 

[Laurans]

I think that's really sweet that your making the effort to get peoples opinions . You must be a good friend! In all honesty flowers and cards did make me cry but for me it was worse when people pretended it hadn't happened and avoided it!

After 2 losses the things that I found considerate were.....
Thinking of you, if I can do anything to help please call, I can't understand how your feeling but I'm here for you! I'm so sorry and sad to hear your news, I wish there were some words I could say to make you feel better/ take away your pain Etc

The things that certainly weren't helpful...but believe it or not people said...
At least you know you can get pregnant, you will be pregnant again before you know it, there will be another baby, don't worry you will be a mum someday...
I'm sure everyone feels slightly different emotions but for me the last thing I wanted to hear was how I would have another baby soon ! At that moment I was grieving for the child I had just lost and getting pregnant with another does not replace him/her !

Good luck with it! Sorry to hear about your friends loss xx

 

[pinkcatgirl]

Thanks Laurans, that's very helpful. I am sorry for your losses too. Xx

 

[alex_22]

My friend's jusy lost her baby boy at 20 weeks and I'm in the exact same situation I haven't seen her yet because my oh is away and I don't want to have to parade my 19 week old baby in her face I'm going to go up tomorrow with a card and flowers butvjuwy dint have a clue what to put in the card, I mean where on earth do you even start x

 

[londongirl]

You are an awesome friend to be so sensitive to her needs at this time. I know lots of people who would avoid the topic or - as you are pregnant yourself, some people wouldn't want to see her because they would find it too hard being pregnant themselves (i.e. thinking about themselves) - but you're thinking of her, which is very sweet. Having had two (first trimester) losses, I think the best thing people did was just be there and listen. I think the words 'thinking of you' can't go wrong. If she is anything like me, she will always remember the people who were there for her.

 

[Leilani]

There is a sticky thread over in the Miscarriage Support forums which is worth a read.

Don't mention yourself , or the word "I" in your message, unless you are say I'm sorry or I'm thinking of you. Thinks like "I can't believe this has happened" or "I'm shocked by your news'" make you the emphasis of your emotions, it needs to be your friend and her OH. I only received one card that I wanted to rip up, it was from a colleague who basically threw all her emotions at me in a chest-beating fashion, and basically made it all about her - I still can't stand to even talk to her at work/social functions, she is just too draining.

Make her a meal, don't wait to be asked for help, or she'll never ask for help.

 

[flou]

I agree with the other ladies. Put words in the card like I'm thinking of you etc. It will make her cry but it will also make her feel that someone else cares . Going through a loss can feel so isolating. And don't mention the possibility of future children. People did this with me and I felt that I didn't want future babies I wanted the one I had been carrying.

 

[Happy happy]

I lost a baby at 21 weeks in September .. I didn't receive many cards as I think, similar to how you feel, you can't find the right words to explain how you feel without it sounding like to about you?? I received lots of flowers and my closest friends came round just to sit with me and basically, without my knowledge, tidy around and watch over me.
You sound like a lovely friend to have and I'm sure your friend will appreciate your company more than anything .. don't avoid her she will already feel lonely xxxx