When did your LO ask about FOB?

[teal]

My son is 5 and has never met FOB. This wasn't my choice. My son has made comments such as "you're my mummy and my daddy too" and he has mentioned the fact that something's his friends dads pick them up from nursery. He's even mentioned that boys can be daddies when they grow up etc. but he's never actually asked about his own excuse for a father. When did your LO's (who don't have contact) ask about him?

 

[Meezerowner]

stalking.

this is something I'm interested in too. Mine are still too young atm (2.5yrs) but I wondered whether it's better to explain as we go or wait for them to ask questions.

 

[teal]

I wasn't sure if I'm best to mention it now or wait until he asks. He's very obviously aware that other children have fathers but he's just not asked about his. Of course I'll give him an age appropriate answer but it's sad and difficult.

 

[Dezireey]

I think it's probably best to wait until they ask about their Dad. Kids who grow up not knowing or have never met their biological father tend to just accept their life as it is whilst they are young. The questions and concerns also depend on the child. Some kids are just not bothered at all by it all their lives, others can be affected and / or curious.

I am just going to wait until my boy asks, until then I don't see any point in confusing him or discussing it properly until he can really grasp the information properly and process it maturely.

 

[daneuse27]

I think a good way to respond when and if they ask about their dads is to tell them about how there are different types of families: some children have one dad and one mom, others have only one of either, some have dads, two moms, etc. You could say that their 'dad' wasn't ready to become a father, but that you are and always will be their mom. Talk about the importance of being thankful for who and what they have in their life.

There is a children's book called "The Great Big Book of Families." I've flipped through it a few times and it teaches kids about how different people live in different types of families. It's a great book, and I'm thinking of buying it myself:
https://www.amazon.com/The-Great-Big-Book-Families/dp/1847805876

 

[40isnotold]

I'm in a little bit of a different situation as I conceived using donor sperm. I'm expecting twins in a few weeks. I've already bought a couple of books to read to them explaining that I had a "helper" because I wanted to have a baby to love. When they are older, I'll go into more detail. Like someone already mentioned, it would help to explain that there are many different kinds of families.

 

[Meezerowner]

I'm in a little bit of a different situation as I conceived using donor sperm. I'm expecting twins in a few weeks. I've already bought a couple of books to read to them explaining that I had a "helper" because I wanted to have a baby to love. When they are older, I'll go into more detail. Like someone already mentioned, it would help to explain that there are many different kinds of families.

Ooo congrats on your twin pregnancy!

 

[Rags]

Hi. I'm a single mum by choice and have a 5 year old from donor sperm. He started asking about where babies came from before he was 3 and I decided at that time that as long as I used simple language there was no reason for him not to know all the facts. I kept it very simple 'two seeds bump into each other and each gives half the information to make a baby...'. A couple of weeks later he came back and asked where the seeds came from and I explained that a women is born with her seeds and a boy's body makes his when he grows up. Another couple of weeks past and he came back and asked ' If one seed comes from a mummy and one from a daddy where's my daddy?' I told him that he didn't really have a daddy but that I had been lucky enough to get his other seed from a hospital where a man had put it so that someone like me could have a baby. It's gone on like that since, I answer any question he asks me honestly and with language that he understands - 'seeds' are now 'eggs & sperm' or gametes. He worked out himself how they get from a man into a women (the normal way that is).

Basically I'm saying just answer the questions he asks. Children are so much smarter than we give them credit for - they'll only ask what they really want the answer too. Don't be frighted to tell him the truth 'I was so lucky to get you and the man who's seed helped make you is the one who's missing out because you are brilliant'. Good luck with however you decide to tackle it.

 

[SophiasMummy]

My LO's dad isn't around, but literally all of her friends have their daddys around. so she started asking me when she was 3, we went through about a year of questions and she did get upset a bit in that time, I had to tell her she has a daddy but he lives far away (which he does) that's why he doesn't see her, but that she has lots of family and friends who love her more than anything. I think she's ok with it now, she said the other day 'I don't need a daddy mummy because I've got you and you love me more than anyone and I've got my Grammy and uncle and aunt' etc. I actually nearly cried when she said it. she doesn't ask about her daddy any more but she is very attached to some of her close friends daddies and they all understand and love her to pieces.

My door is always open for her dad to visit but at this point he knows he wouldn't be able to just tell her he's her daddy because she doesn't know him and it would really upset her to think she has a daddy and for him to disappear again

 

[teal]

I thought I'd post on this thread again because I did wait and my son asked me over the summer. Totally out of nowhere on a walk back from the park. He just asked why he didn't have a daddy. I just said that his daddy wasn't ready to be a daddy to him but I love him very much etc. He accepted this very well and hasn't asked about his father again.

I didn't expect to feel so upset for my sweet boy when he asked though I feel that there is truth in the "not being ready" seeing as there must be something wrong for someone to just walk away from their own child.

 

[Rags]

Well done. It's difficult not to be a bit taken aback when the first question comes. He sounds like such a bright we boy. You will both be fine. X

 

[lovejoy]

My eldest dd asked when she was 2 1/2. She started also noticing the kids at preschool being collected by dad, dads in stories and on TV. It wasn't long before the "where's my daddy?" Came up. I did explain about different types of family and just explained it in a kid friendly why his not around.

I have photos of him too if they want to see pictures. Ex family even tho they are oversea keep in touch, so the kids can some connection with him. My yougnest just turned 3 and she's never asked about him.

 

[Rags]

Lovejoy, that sounds like such a healthy way of explaining things. You are so right, families are all very different - I almost said 'these days' but it's not 'these days' they always have been it's just that people went to great lengths to hide the differences in the past, desperate to fit in with some warped idea of 'normal'. I'm hoping that our honesty will only improve things for our children and others.

 

[Scout]

Thanks for sharing this. My dd is just over 2 and hasn't asked anything yet, but I'm sure she will at some point. I like the idea of telling her about different kinds of family.