Who has a 3.5 year gap between babies and what are the pros/cons?

[LaBamba]

I am interested to hear as my husband and I are looking at adding to our family - our daughter is currently 2.5 yo. It probably would have been a lot sooner if she wasn't so high needs but things are what they are and now that we are through the worst of it (sleep still sucks but hopefully will have improved by the time new baby is here) I'm warming to the idea of another baby and would just love my daughter to have a sibling as 1) I was an only child and hated it and still do 2) think she would make an amazing older sister being so caring and nurturing.
Im off my birth control and charting but not trying hardcore - I have to admit im still quite traumatized by the long labour and her first 18 months which were horrendous and I suffered severe PND

So I'm looking for what other mums enjoyed or found hard about this age gap especially if your first was high needs

Thanks!

 

[Button#]

My DS was 3years 2months when DD was born and a definite pro has been his level of understanding. If I ask him to wait while I get DD down for a nap before I play with him he generally understands. He also is good at independent play at the moment so he's happy to entertain himself. Also he is more independent in other ways, getting up and down stairs being an important one for us.

He is a bit sensitive so has been affected a bit by her crying. He's also been affected by the changes to his routine. However he's more settled now. We have had a few issues with toys already, I got out his old baby toys and he didn't want her to have them.

 

[MindUtopia]

We don't yet, but this is the gap we're aiming for. For us, it's partly just practical. I'm busy with a work project until the end of next summer and can't take time off any earlier. Equally, my husband, who is also self-employed, has his busy season during the summer, which tapers off by September, so we'll be shooting for September of next year or after.

One of the main pros for us and why we're aiming for 3+ years is financial. Our daughter will get her 15 free nursery hours next summer term. We want her to stay in nursery part-time while I'm on maternity leave because she loves it and has friends there (and I also want a few days a week when it's just baby and I alone, just like I had with her when she was little). But it would be difficult to afford otherwise with me on maternity leave. Similarly, when I go back to work after a year, she will be starting school, so again, we'll still only have one child in nursery, which will make it a bit more doable financially. But she's also old enough now that I think she can start to understand what it will mean to have a brother or sister. She likes to help take care of the younger babies at nursery. I'm hoping that will make for a smoother transition because she'll be able to understand what's going on.

The con I think would be simply that we've left the baby days behind us a bit by now and it will be more of a shock going back to that again. Maybe it will actually be easier because we have had an easier time lately rather than just spending 4 straight years being exhausted and having no time to yourself. But since she's turned 2, we have been able to have an evening out on rare occasions and I'm much more rested than I used to be (even if she still doesn't STTN). Sometimes I worry it will be more of a shock going back to doing that all again because we've waited longer.

 

[LaBamba]

I'm thinking of starting up counseling again because I know being pregnant again is going to bring up a lot of emotions since I've been diagnosed with post traumatic stress disorder as a result of my daughters first year - no words can describe how awful it was.

The colic that didn't end at 3 months like I was assured (turned out to be high needs and just her personality - later diagnosed with SPD) , the silent reflux, the tongue and lip ties that needed laser surgery and consequently extreme breastfeeding difficulties - the blood and the cracks/cuts plus constant thrush , the inability to ever put her down without her screaming and screaming till i had to close all the windows, convinced someone would call the police, the waking every 20 mins and needing to be rocked, bounced and held all waking and sleeping hours, the sleep deprivation that became so severe I contemplated admitting myself to a mother and baby unit, the critisim of our gentle parenting - I could go on forever.

But I don't want fear to be a factor in not trying again. I'm adamant nothing could be as hard as that again.
Even Dr Sears advises a minimum 3 year gap between babies if the first is high needs

 

[Zombers]

I just had my second son almost 2 weeks ago so I can't offer too much experience but I can say it had been pretty difficult so far. My first had colic and reflux and has had night terrors since just over a year old. At 3.5 years old he still hasn't outgrown the night terrors so I've never really caught up on any sleep. His personality is very needy so he doesn't play by himself and is constantly begging me to play regardless of whether I just spent hours playing cars and trains.
Now we have a second and he is showing the exact same pattern as my first. He is awake for most the day as he is constantly getting silent reflux, hiccups, and wanting to nurse due to the pain. The only way I can get him to sleep is to rock him "violently" (not shaking baby violent) or patting his back pretty hard. I have also resorted to co-sleeping as he sleeps best near me and I had become so sleep deprived I felt it was affecting how I cared for him. I've also forgotten how much they poop, oh my goodness! Not quite 2 weeks and we've gone through almost 2 big boxes of Huggies.
Ultimately, I think the age gap will be fine and they will still be close enough to enjoy each other's company but until my youngest can better communicate (maybe around 2), that sibling bond isn't going to be very strong. My older son doesn't much care for him at this point and pretty much disregards his existence as little one needs me constantly and that takes away from his time. Hopefully the reflux will clear up and life will be easier.
With all that said, I'm glad that they will have each other even if it's tough initially. So worth it to me.

 

[LaBamba]

Oh my goodness Zombers - that sounds very much like my little girl - she is constantly begging me to play play play play play - it's exhausting.
We had her in kindy and she was getting all her stimulation there but now we've just moved interstate and not found a new kindy yet she's very needy.

As a baby she also needed to be rocked to sleep quite violently (to do with the sensory processing disorder according to the occupational therapist as she was a sensory seeker)
Wouldn't settle for a bouncer or rocker and wouldn't entertain a pram nor the car seat. Strapped to me or in my arms almost all day/night long and we had to bed share because of the constant night terrors - she would 'wake' up absolutely shrieking her head off and it was such a horrible way for us to be woken up, I have extreme anxiety as a result and even at 2.5 she still screams all through the night.
We started bed sharing immediately although we had bought a bassinet with the intention of her sleeping in that. Hah! I had to change my entire philosophy on parenting when she was born because of her extremely difficult temperament.

I guess I'm just terrified that baby number 2 will be the same but I honestly can't imagine how it could be so so hard a second time round when we are literally surrounded by babies who sleep well, can be put down with no issues , are happy playing with their toys without adult interaction etc.
Amazing how some peoples experience of parenting a baby is so different to ours. Our marriage nearly crumbled under the pressure but somehow survived.

 

[Zombers]

Our kids sound so similar! So you can imagine putting a newborn on top of all that, it is hard. But then I get those gassy smiles and the occasional 2 hour nap and it just kind of reboots me. Mornings are hard but as it starts getting darker I start to get a sense of dread, like the tiredness suddenly hits like a brick and I know sleep still isn't coming. My guy is fantastic and helps out after working all day but I feel like I've gotten more help with our second because he anticipates staying home in a month or so as I go to work and he can quit his job to be a stay at home dad. Honestly, that's what gets me through. Knowing soon I'll get the reprieve of going to work (how crazy that I look forward to it!) and he will be staying up at night to care for him instead of me. As bad as that sounds. Lol
If you decide to try for your second, just don't have the mind set that this baby will be different. That was my mistake. Everyone kept telling me that you have one hard baby and usually the second is easier, if even just because you already know how to handle a difficult baby. Yeah. Still just as hard so I call BS.
I understand that others frown upon how we sleep with our babies but honestly, it is better than the alternative of being completely sleep deprived and unable to properly care for baby. I just gave in to the co sleeping about 3 days ago and still have tried at least once a night to have him sleep inclined in his bouncer. He's not having it.
I hope your second is easier but don't be set on it.

 

[LaBamba]

I honestly don't really care what other people think of us bed sharing
I get to spend my nights next to the 2 people I love most in the world & wake up to my daughters beautiful smile and giggles - I can't imagine her in her own room. Of course if she asked I would oblige but she's always been 'high touch' and needs constant reassurance with the nightmares/terrors and it's nobody else's place to judge anyone's situation till they've been there themselves

I'm not convincing myself the 2nd will be easier but at least we know all the things to soothe a screaming baby
Like a friend who has became a mum recently was getting flustered with her crying baby and I scooped him up and began the rapid sway and he immediately stopped and I felt really pleased with myself! She was like 'how did you do that!!!!' And I said 'just experience I guess? We had to try everything with ours'

So even if baby number 2 is just as hard (though I honestly can't see that happening as my girl was 10/10 difficult and ticked all 15 of Dr Sears high needs baby traits) at least we will be better prepared to handle it unlike last time

On the plus side, she is extremely bright for a 2.5 year old - everyone comments on it. Her vocabulary is amazing, she's kind and empathetic, has a wicked sense of humour and generally acts like ger 4 year cousin. I'm very proud of her after everything we've been through and all the constant doubt with how we parented her, it's now becoming apparent we done something right because she really is an absolute gem of a child - don't get me wrong, she is HARD work and demanding, impatient, scarily persistent, needy etc but she just oozes charisma and I love watching her personality unfold.

 

[Iren_iren]

I dont have any advice yet, my son will be 3,1 when this baby will be born. I wanted smalish age gap, but he been difficult baby (not as difficult as you describe) but colics and need of constantly being held, screaming a lot and bad sleep put us off any baby and only after he turned 2 we started to think about it again on the plus side he will inderstand more, can play by himself a bit (but still demands a lot of attention) and he will be getting some free hours, so will go to nursery 3 half days a week. I really hope to get good and calm baby this time, but if not, i at least will have these 3 mornings to sleep with the baby
Do you have an option of nursery/childminder/relatives to look after your girl sometimes if needed?

 

[amelia26]

This is the age gap I will soon be having. Generally my son is great at independent play but the last few weeks he's so clingy and had massive tantrums if I do chores. I'm sure it's because of the baby and now he's got me scared!

 

[Ziggy2]

We have a 3 1/2 year gap, it was great cause my eldest was at preschool and then started school when youngest was 7 months so I get 1:1 time with my littlest! They love each other so much and I am hoping they will play well together as youngest gets older!

 

[zebbed89]

We have a 4 year age gap and so far ut has been really good. My daughter is very good and will play alone plus she was in pre school for the first few weeks after he was born for a couple of days a week which helped. Baby doesn't like being put down to nap so we play quiet games and drawing on the sofa and then I have him in a wrap when I need to do things. My daughters bedtime is my favorite oscar comes up with us and we read stories whilst I breastfeed as my daughter loves oscar and involving him. To be fair he's just slotted in to our lives. I Co sleep so I can get sleep to function although he's pretty good! I always wanted this age gap so I spent a good time with my daughter as an only child for a while and then she will be at school so oscar can have my time and we can have family time at the weekend! Xx

 

[Quartz]

I have a high needs little girl and then had a little boy when she was 3 1/2 I had a little boy.

I love my age gap, I could not have done it any sooner - he was born just as I setteld DD into preschool (it took awhile). And now they get on as well as any other siblings - the 1-2 year was the hardest as he was walking but not interacting as such. Now they play going on adventures and building tents, they have their moments but what sibling doesnt.

DS I think is slightly less high needs particularly socially (DD was always very play intensive, lots of role play and struggled to make friends) and will play on his own a bit more. I still co sleep with him (DD occasionally to) but I have seen how amazing DD has become and what great reports she gets at school and her activities. All that is left really is a clingness to me that only occurs at home so I am ok with that.

 

[louiseee]

I had my DD 7 weeks ago and my DS is 3.5. For me this has been the perfect age gap. DS is fully toilet trained, is quite good at independent play when he needs to and goes to preschool 3 days a week.

He absolutely adores his sister and helps out with her when he feels like it to keep him involved. He's shown no jealousy towards her at all but to me and his dad he's started to get a bit aggressive which we're trying to sort.

The tiredness isnt half as bad this time i think because we've already gotten used to broken/little sleep so is much easier to cope with

Good luck!

 

[mummyruston]

My DD is exactly 3.5 and my DS is a week old so not too much to report but what I can say is she's been very excited since we told her and understood about me not being able to do things with her (like forward rolls, climbing frames etc) and sang to bump often and kissed it.

She was incredibly excited when baby was born - and still is. She's very independent so she dresses herself, brushes her teeth, goes to toilet etc which makes life easier with a nursing newborn. So I do think the gap is working, because she doesn't specifically need me for certain things like the above or requiring pushchairs etc.

My only concern is that she's had a lot of my love and attention over the tme and now she's more aware and understanding she might feel a little neglected (yet I try to do as much as I can with her).

I guess there's never a perfect time to have another - but for me at least this gap is manageable and my DD understands not to run off etc when holding pram or getting out of car.

 

[londonangel]

My daughter was three years and seven months when her sister arrived.

Pros
Toilet training of first one is way in the past
Big one and little one adore one another
Big one can get me muslins and so on and feel involved with caring for little one
Big one entertains little one

Cons
Big one is demanding and sometimes jealous of little one
Still breastfeeding little one and for months big one accused me of loving little one more and not playing with her even though I took her out to do things loads!

 

[x__amour]

I have an almost exact 3.5 year age gap. It was good, DD was very helpful, but I wish they were a little closer some days. We'll be going closer to a 2.5-3 with #3.