Worried about niece.. Advice please!

[aimeefolds]

I would like others' opinions on how to help my sister with parenting and also help her 12 year old niece. My niece has always had a number of issues: ADHD, terrible social anxiety, and now she is struggling in school with her grades. My niece refuses to take any responsibility for her life, will not do her homework or projects and now has all D's and F's.
My sister either ends up completing her work for her or says "oh well, don't do it" and my niece gets failing marks.

There are also other issues, my niece stays up very late every night (1 or 2 o'clock in the morning!) and she is not made to go to bed. She eats terribly and does not do many important life skill tasks:brushing teeth, getting dressed, refuses to shower. My sister usually drags her to the bathroom and does it herself and dresses her in the morning.

I've made lots of suggestions as I am very concerned and want to help them get their lives on track, but I'm not close by. She also has had counseling that has not helped. Has anyone else seen these issues and what did you do to change them? Thank you!

 

[tommyg]

Your sis needs to be a parent not a friend, ie get her into bed at a decent time, what are the consequences for not doing homework? Really there is no point in her doing it for her. A few years and she could be in work is she going to do her work too. Where is the childs dad?

It's not that long ago that I watched a documentary where they were saying ADHD is so over diagnosed and in lots of cases lack or sleep / over tiredness has the same effect.

You need to encourage sis to get her into bed, not do her homework and if necessary get referred to child physiologist. She needs to get on top of her now or she will have a completely out of control teenager on her hands.
Remember you can be a teenage rebel if you have no rules to rebel against. Teenagers need rules as much as a toddler does.

 

[aimeefolds]

Your sis needs to be a parent not a friend, ie get her into bed at a decent time, what are the consequences for not doing homework? Really there is no point in her doing it for her. A few years and she could be in work is she going to do her work too. Where is the childs dad?

It's not that long ago that I watched a documentary where they were saying ADHD is so over diagnosed and in lots of cases lack or sleep / over tiredness has the same effect.

You need to encourage sis to get her into bed, not do her homework and if necessary get referred to child physiologist. She needs to get on top of her now or she will have a completely out of control teenager on her hands.
Remember you can be a teenage rebel if you have no rules to rebel against. Teenagers need rules as much as a toddler does.

Thanks for your advice, I have said the same thing.. It will only get worse from here as she becomes a teen. There is no dad in the picture at all. My sister does try to discipline her or take things away when she does not complete assignments, but my niece throws tantrums (like a toddler) for hours. I think my sister just gives up after awhile. I have a toddler myself and know you've got to stick with it. I am just not there to help!! I will look into an actual psychologist her my niece.

 

[tommyg]

What about your mum could she help?
Your sis either sounds out of control, is it because she doesn't care or because she herself is depressed?

 

[aimeefolds]

My mom definitely helps, she brings my niece to all her activities and watches her most weekend nights. My sister was extremely irresponsible for a long time as she was a young mom (had her at 20). Myself and the rest of her immediate family have helped a lot with this child. But now we all have families of our own, it's hard to keep helping and I recently have found out my niece is worse off than I could have imagined! I think my sis has just been really lazy and doesn't want to truly see the child she has created. I am so afraid for this little girl and what her life will be like! I try to remind my sister that she was a high school drop out, got pregnant in not good circumstances! She says she doesn't want the same for her daughter, but right now my nieces life is so much worse than my sisters as a child! I told her she has to change this right now.

 

[noon_child]

I think the sleep is maybe the first issue to tackle - many things might fall in to place once she is getting decent sleep, like tantrums might not be so frequent or long.

What time does your sis go to sleep, are they up together or does your niece stay awake in her room playing games/ watching TV?

I'd advise taking distractions out of the room and helping her daughter relax by maybe going back to a childlike routine. Wash and comb her hair, read to her, sing to her, cuddle her. Also go to bed at the same time as her for a while so she's not thinking "well Mum's awake why can't I be awake?". She might have to be forceful about things like cleaning her teeth but it is possible to be forceful and nurturing at the same time. I don't think there is any point punishing her for never having learnt these things in the first place. She isn't really a 12yr old because she hasn't learned the things most 12yr olds have learnt.

Later on when she has a better home routine you can try to tackle the school work. This should be done in partnership with school as they will have strategies they use in school and knowledge of ADHD (I hope!). Are they setting appropriate homework for her (stuff that can be completed in small chunks etc.) Telling an ADHD child to do a project and hand it in in a weeks time wont work. She needs to be set each step of the project to do each night so she has clear time limited tasks not just hours of work stretching in front of her which she doesn't even know where to start.