would you let her?

[Elljo3]

My 13 year old is in trouble for shop lifting and has always been a handful to handle.

Deep down I think the best place is at her dads.

I just can't help but feel like I have failed

 

[bdb84]

How does she feel about going to her dad's?

Have you looked into counseling for her? There may be a deeper reason for her acting out.

 

[Elljo3]

Have tried counselling, nothing seems to work.

She isn't bothered where is goes

 

[emyandpotato]

Unless she has asked to live with her dad I don't think it's a good idea. She'll feel like she isn't good enough for your new family and is being sent away.

 

[seoj]

Can I ask how long she was in counseling? Did she connect with the counselor? Did you go to sessions with her? I ask because my SD (whom I helped raise full time) had pretty bad anxiety due to thing her bio-mom put her through. Obviously a very different situation- but she was in counseling for many years. To help her deal with deep seeded issues- and help us with tool to help her. She wasn't "acting" out per se- but was kinda dealing with her own demons and through each stage, as she grew, her understanding and how she reacted would grow with her... so seeing a counseling throughout most of her young life was such a useful tool. For her, and us. She rarely ever goes anymore (she's almost 18 now)- but still will on occasion because of life things she wants to talk through. It's something she is very comfortable with for obvious reasons.

Your daughter is dealing with something- and acting out. No clue what that could be- but it most likely has nothing to do with how you are raising her hun. Part of who we are is our born temperament. I certainly wish there was an easy button. If only. And I know it's hard to watch your child struggle-- and there isn't always much we can do, other than support and love them. Unconditionally.

IDK- just my two cents. You need to do what you feel is best

 

[alibaba24]

I wouldn't send her anywhwere I would keep her with you shes so young and vulnerable. I have no experience of this but i would continue trying to work through it

 

[Larkspur]

I read a couple of your older threads and her dad's place sounds totally unsuitable for her. I know it is probably exhaustion/ depression talking to say you've failed her, but I think you need to see this as a demand for more attention and closeness, not less.

 

[minties]

I was sent to live with my dad at 12. It wasn't very suitable, we ended up sharing a caravan and I hated it.

Good: I hated it so much that I grew a huge appreciation for my mum. I calmed down, moved back in with her and was quite good from then on.

Bad: I felt like I had been rejected by everyone. That I wasn't wanted and that I was inherently "bad". It took a while for me to feel that my mum loved me and I still question it more often than not at age 32.

 

[Boomerslady]

My instant response is no. Also does she want to go? Should I let her implies that she's asked?

I'm going to list below some of the things I put my mum through from the age of 12+, I turned a corner by 15, but I'm surprised she didn't send me into care (she threatened it once and it broke my heart!)

I was out getting drunk sleeping with people at 13. She didn't know this....apart from when I didn't come home and she'd hunt the streets for me.
I smoked from the age of 12.
I got suspended from school 8 times, mainly for bunking off, any chance I could get I'd run away from school.
I shoplifted a lot.
I ran away from home a few times, once she called the police to look for me.
I was generally a little shit!

BUT she never gave up on me. Not once. Please don't give up on your daughter, sending her away will fail her.

I'm just saying this as she isn't a bad kid. I did all that as I was desperate for friends and happened to fall into a bad crowd, so I was desperate to please them. There's so many reasons she could be playing up. Try to find out why.

Also me and my mum went to counselling at the peak of it (took an attempted suicide on my part for it to come to a head, although I only took about 12 paracetamol!) and it reakky helped out relationship. The GP organised it. Can you go down that route??