WTT but not sure my partner really wants a child

[Babydaydreams]

Hi

some advice/thoughts/opinions please.

I have been with my fiance for 3 years and he has a son (6) from a previous relationship that he sees every week. From the start of our relationship I made it known that I was hoping to have a child of my own one day, especially as I was getting older (nearly 40 now) and I was finally with someone that I wanted a child with (or so I thought).

In the beginning he seemed very keen but as time moved on he has basically said that he isn't fussed about having anymore children and that it isn't all that great! He loves his son but equally I think he enjoys being a part time dad because he gets a break and, as I see it, he just doesn't have much patience for being a parent.

I think he realises it a big deal for me as he always goes on to say that he will have a baby with me so I 'have one of my own'. Ok.....well I kinda thought it would be a joint venture lol!! So I guess what I'm asking is, am I crazy to even entertain the idea of having a baby with him? I know he would be happy with the status quo but I don't think I will be. We lost a baby a few months ago and we were both devastated but it hasn't made him any 'keener' iyswim.

I don't want to give up on the dream of being a mother just because he wants an easy life but equally I don't want to end up a single mother struggling to pay for everything. I literally swing back and forth and don't know what to do for the best.

Please help.

 

[kksy9b]

im so sorry you're being faced with this decision. I think given your circumstances, you need to sit down and have a very frank discussion with him. Decide first if having a baby is a dealbreaker for you. If it is, then he needs to know that. If he says that yes, he will have a baby, the nail down a timeline. If he absolutely does not want anothee then it's in your court to stay or not.

My DH did not want to try for our first, nor did he persay want ANY kids (this was 5 years into our marriage. when we got married he had said he did). After a lot of discussion he, reluctantly, agreed. Fast forward a few years and we have our two boys and are considering a third. He loves our boys and being a dad.

All this to say, the best thing you can to is be very open and honest with him. He may surprise you and change how he feels! Good luck!

 

[Babydaydreams]

im so sorry you're being faced with this decision. I think given your circumstances, you need to sit down and have a very frank discussion with him. Decide first if having a baby is a dealbreaker for you. If it is, then he needs to know that. If he says that yes, he will have a baby, the nail down a timeline. If he absolutely does not want anothee then it's in your court to stay or not.

My DH did not want to try for our first, nor did he persay want ANY kids (this was 5 years into our marriage. when we got married he had said he did). After a lot of discussion he, reluctantly, agreed. Fast forward a few years and we have our two boys and are considering a third. He loves our boys and being a dad.

All this to say, the best thing you can to is be very open and honest with him. He may surprise you and change how he feels! Good luck!

We have had lots of discussions over the years and I just get the feeling he deep down doesn’t want a baby. He didn’t enjoy the baby years with his son but I think a lot of that is because his relationship with his ex was so bad. He also is pretty lazy with helping out with chores and I always say if we have a kid he has to help out. I just worry that I will end up working full time, doing all the household chores, cooking etc and doing all the parenting! That’s not fair and not healthy. He is a lovely guy apart from this. He has lots of other strengths but he acts a bit like a teenager when it comes to this stuff. Sometimes I feel like his Mum which really p*sses me off.

 

[babycrazy1706]

It's a difficult one but I have to be honest at nearly 40 I think you just need to get pregnant. I'm a single parent and I love it. Even if you did split if it's your dream to have a baby you need to, you won't regret it. Hope it goes well for you xx

 

[babycrazy1706]

Plus.... if he was devastated after your loss, it shows there was some attachment there. Some Men don't get overly excited before a baby is born but when baby is here that all changes

 

[Charm23]

I agree with what others have said. Firstly, I would have a long hard think: how would you feel if you never had any children or grandchildren? Personally, becoming a mother is exceptionally important to me and it would break my heart if my husband told me he didn't want kids because I know that I couldn't stay with him if that was the case (luckily it isn't).

Once you've thought it over and made your decision, you need to have that conversation with him and be prepared to put your foot down if motherhood is that important to you. I don't mean force him to change his decision, that's not right, but stand up for your own happiness and if he doesn't WANT it and you do, then there's an even harder conversation to be had... Goodluck and please think about your own happiness xx

 

[6ncounting]

I’m sorry you are in that situation!

I agree with the above posts you need to work out if it is a deal breaker for you or not and if it is put your foot down. Being a single mother if it comes to that is hard but it’s doable.

 

[meigemann]

Hello,

I'm sorry to hear that you lost a baby that had to be very difficult for you. I would recommend that you and your finance have a conversation about how each of you feels about having children. You may have already done this but if not I would strongly encourage you to seek to understand his view point and the reasons why he may not want to have more children. While you can never predict whether or not you'll end up raising a child alone you can certainly work to make sure the two of you are on the same page. Keep in mind that men and women are wired differently so what may seem like a lack of desire to you may just be his way of expressing himself. I wish you well in your relationship and on your venture into motherhood.