You should think yourself lucky you have one!

[mmoon1]

Sound familiar?
When I had Reece we werent trying for a baby. It was a horrid pregnancy with the constant hospital stays, the blood loss, the pain etc but soo worth it. However, I spent the majority of it terrified.

I love my boy and really want another baby after 3 years of trying I am naturally getting really down. But if one more person tells me that ;with your problems you should be grateful you have the one and not push your luck' or 'isnt Reece enough?' that makes me feel so ungrateful for what I have. Or 'concentrate on something else' HOW???!!!

Am I the only one who believes I need to do this so Im not afraid next time and Reece deserves a sibling?

I am so upset!

 

[Yearning]

Sound familiar?
When I had Reece we werent trying for a baby. It was a horrid pregnancy with the constant hospital stays, the blood loss, the pain etc but soo worth it. However, I spent the majority of it terrified.

I love my boy and really want another baby after 3 years of trying I am naturally getting really down. But if one more person tells me that ;with your problems you should be grateful you have the one and not push your luck' or 'isnt Reece enough?' that makes me feel so ungrateful for what I have. Or 'concentrate on something else' HOW???!!!

Am I the only one who believes I need to do this so Im not afraid next time and Reece deserves a sibling?

I am so upset!

Hi,

I can relate to what you are saying and in all honesty find those kind's of comments condecending and patronizing, even if people mean well when they say them.

In fact those type's of judgements make me even more determined and stronger....and after 7 long years of TTC #2 I have heard it alot!

Try not to let them upset you sweetie...rise above it, be and feel how you want to, some just don't fully understand the passionate obsession TTC evokes.



Always...Yearning.x

 

[Sinead]

Hun, I can't relate to what you're saying as its taking me 2 years to ttc #1, but you need to do what's right for you and your family. Ignore what other people say to you and good luck getting your BFP in the future

 

[Faerie]

I think before I joined BnB I would've probably been one of those people. Now I don't think I would have voiced it but to myself I would've thought "hmm, she should just be grateful". I spent two years trying for my first, and it wasn't until I came on here that I really understood secondary infertility. Don't take their comments to heart hun, they just don't have a clue, I should know.

 

[HAYS]

chick some people havent got a clue, faeries right.

Chin up my lovely, you will be blessed again
xxx

 

[mmoon1]

Thanks girls. I hope you are right HAYS.
And who knows if I had this problem before? When I fell pg with Reece we'd been having unprotected sex for 3 years then. So maybe I was just very lucky!

I guess in my naivity I assumed 'I did it once ill do it again' ha big joke that turned out to be and I know they mean well but it cuts like a knife, especially when one of them that said it has 3 and it TTC #4 id NEVER say that to her. She should be blessed with as many babies as she likes. We all should! Sadly for some of us it just isnt the case is it?

 

[JASMAK]

I get that all the time. "Just be happy you have two". My reply is always: "who says I am not?" If anything...I look at my two children every day and thank God that I do have them. I know how hard it is to be trying so hard for #3, BFN after BFN, and then to lose the three pregnancies that I did manage to have. I cannot imagine going through all of this, and not having my two children kissing me every night. I KNOW I am blessed. But, it is not like I want this baby any less than my other two. I had troubles conceiving my other two, but not this much trouble. I really hate it when people think I am not suffering because I have kids. I had a co-worker tell me to my face that he didn't feel sorry for my m/c, because I have kids. It was so cruel, but, honestly, I think that is how some feel. I don't feel that I can tell anyone. Even DR's are rude. I pretty much had a nervous breakdown in June/July of this year, because of my losses, and my daughter was diagnosed with Autism, and I went to a DR to seek help because I didn't know how to carry on. I was told "why do you want more kids when you are so stressed". It was so hurtful. THe reason why I was stressed, was because I COULDN'T get pregnant. But, people just see my kids and think: she's lucky. I am. But, I am hurting too.

Sorry, kind of got carried away..it struck a chord.

 

[Vestirse]

That's very insensitive and I'm so sorry. I have to admit in my rabid desperation for my first, I sometimes briefly feel that way too, but I'm always very ashamed after that angry, jealous cloud passes. It's not right and it is a non sequitur that if you are trying for more children, you are not happy with the ones you may already have. All you ladies hurt the same way I do when I see that or AF after every cycle. Please forgive me and those insensitive people for having such ugly thoughts.

 

[FsMummy]

awww, hun they obviously havent been through what you have. ppl really dont understand until they are in that situation themselves. try to ignore thier ignorance! i am soooo grateful to have my daughter and i know that i am so lucky but that doesnt stop me wanting another! sometimes i do think to myself that its not fair on faith and ill be neglecting faith in some way if i get pg but i know thats silly. i hope you feel better and these idiots leave you alone, sheesh as if its not hard enough without thier spiteful comments. u do what is right for you, it is none of thier business

 

[mmoon1]

Thanks guys and wow some of that honesty was refreshing. I can see how it must look from the outside but its like anything Ive heard ladies say that MC hurt more when you have children as you know what youre losing. Its not true we all hurt the same.

It breaks my heart I cant have the family I planned for, the sibling my son deserves.
None of us should be thought badly of for just wanting someone extra to love x

 

[Faerie]

Thanks guys and wow some of that honesty was refreshing. I can see how it must look from the outside but its like anything Ive heard ladies say that MC hurt more when you have children as you know what youre losing. Its not true we all hurt the same.

It breaks my heart I cant have the family I planned for, the sibling my son deserves.
None of us should be thought badly of for just wanting someone extra to love x

 

[Redfraggle]

Some people just don't think before they speak do they! I have to confess to having occassionally thinking this sometimes but would never actually say it to someone. I know the heartbreak a BFN each month can bring regardless of someones situation.

I've had mothers of 4 children tell me I should just be thankful for the life I have and then proceed to complain about family life!! Also had a mother of 3 boys expressing her disappointment about not being able to concieve a girl and debating whether to try one more time. (They all know I have been TTC for over 3 years)

Try not to let them get you down. All the stupid thoughtless comments won't be so important when we get our BFP's!! (and we will - PMA!!)

 

[mmoon1]

We will! PMA we flipping will and if not hey, adoption here I come!

 

[FJL]

People just don't know when to shut their mouths!

In all honesty, I used to think (as we have had big probs TTC#1) that anyone who had 1 child is lucky and I would be jealous for sure, but I don't think i've ever thought that they should be grateful, because as Jasmak said, why wouldn't they be grateful?

I think as women we have that yearning to be pregnant and have a child. Some women no longer have that yearning once they have 1 child, while others still have it, and some women may have 3 or 4 children and still have that yearning for another, and really, who is anyone to tell them they shouldn't? The heart wants what it wants.

I hope your BFP is just around the corner, and in the meantime, don't put up with those comments, put those bitches in their place!

 

[mmoon1]

May all your Be around that same corner xx

 

[Pippin]

Hi Mmoon1 just saw your name on this thread and thought I'd come and have a look. I totally understand and all I can say that if it's this painful trying to conceive my first one then I can only imagine it's 10 times worse with the second. You know what it feels like to be a mum and you've had all the hormones running around your body. I've never felt that so in some way the wonders of being a mother is still an unknown to me, I don't really know what I'm missing (yet). Before we started trying a close friend said to me.... 'you'll never be ready pippin, but you'll also never experience emotions/feelings like it' but you have...... Am I making sense?

 

[mmoon1]

Of course hun but its like anything that yearning is the same for you as it is for me.
Im trying so hard to keep positive but comments like that made to me do make me feel low and ungrateful.

I dont think anyone is ever ready for a child no matter how you imagine it to be its never like that but thats the best part of it really. And I would never say for a minute that secondary infertility is in any way worse than those who struggle first time. Its the same. We all feel let down by our bodies and we all feel the same heartbreak when AF comes.

If there was just a wand we could wave and that gave us all and happy and healthy babies. Id do it in a second.

Now im off to comfort eat. Its the only way xx

 

[Littlecat]

I am ttc #1 and have just been told that it probably won't happen naturally (though I'm going to keep trying for a few months) and one of the first things that ran through my mind was if I'm able to have one then I still probably won't get to have two. I have a picture in my head of how I want my family to be and it most definitely involves two kids. The idea of having a child and not being able to give them a sibling is, I agree, heart-breaking. My mum's involved six or seven and she got two, not that she didn't love us but it was still something she missed out on that mattered to her dearly.

Anyway, just wanted to say you're not alone and it's a perfectly reasonable thing to want.

 

[CurlySue]

Some of the people who will tell you that you are lucky to have one will be those that are not. It's not a nice thing to say, I will admit, but I suppose there are those who are thinking that they do not have a child to come home to. So, whilst you want a sibling for your child, they just want a child of their own.

I would never begrudge a person from longing for a second child but at the same time I would love to know how that feels because after so, so long of trying I still have no idea what a BFP truly looks like. So, when those with no children are getting their period yet again with no child in sight and are looking forward to Christmas with no Santa Claus I think THAT is why they make the statement "You should be happy you have one."

I don't think it's anything personal. It's just that absolute hurt and dejection that comes from still waiting. Having nothing but a dream to love.

 

[JASMAK]

Some of the people who will tell you that you are lucky to have one will be those that are not. It's not a nice thing to say, I will admit, but I suppose there are those who are thinking that they do not have a child to come home to. So, whilst you want a sibling for your child, they just want a child of their own.

I would never begrudge a person from longing for a second child but at the same time I would love to know how that feels because after so, so long of trying I still have no idea what a BFP truly looks like. So, when those with no children are getting their period yet again with no child in sight and are looking forward to Christmas with no Santa Claus I think THAT is why they make the statement "You should be happy you have one."

I don't think it's anything personal. It's just that absolute hurt and dejection that comes from still waiting. Having nothing but a dream to love.

I actually get my comments mostly from those (and it's not always just women) who already have children. I think that most likely, these people do not understand the position that I am in (the struggling, and losses), and don't want to hear about it. When I hear the comment "just be thankful you have two".....it almost feels like they really wanted to say "awwww...shut up and quit whining...you have kids, how hard can it be?" I would actually understand if it came from someone who was childless, or TTC with difficulty. That would make sense. Heck, I have been there myself. Becoming pregnant has been no walk in the park for me-ever! I even got into an arguement when I was TTC#1 with someone who had kids and was TTC. I told her that she could never feel that pain that I do, because she has kids. How is that for karma kicking me in the a$$?